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Asked by Last Updated:

Should i Forgive Again?

So here's my story.
My husband and i have a three year old daughter, while i never wanted kids and he did i gave in.
Now i love this little girl more than anything.
My husband got a promotion almost a year ago which required him to be out of town mon-fri.
  He comes home on friday afternoon and leaves on monday morning.
We facetime everynight before our daughter goes to bed.
I found out in February that he had been talking to/seeing a 23 yr old waitress single mom that works at the waffle house.
My little sister is 25.
 I found out that he has told this girl things about his life and childhood that after 13 years he has never told me.
He even took her and her daughter to dinner at the outback and paid.
This had been going on for 6 months.
He had given her his work phone number and she was calling/texting him on it.
I found out and we separated for two weeks, then i forgave him as he assured me he had ended it with her.
However my gut screamed he had not.
Things went fine for a month or two then i got our phone bill.
Apparently he had since given her the personal cell number.
Idiot he knows i pay the phone bill and they have detailed billing.
This phone bill blew me away.
not so much the talk time but the texts.
I had 3-4 pages of nothing but her number back and forth from sunup till sundown.
I even found a picture of them in his email.
He had never stopped talking to her.
Now he has ended it completely and blocked her number from both phones.
He swears he never kissed nor had sex with her.
I soooooooo don't believe this as i have spoken with her and she admits she has feelings for him.
He is so pathetic right now and wants ANOTHER chance.
Not to mention in the 13 years we have been together this is the 2nd emotional affair and an actual sexual one to boot.
Those happened before we were married 8 years ago.
This has been the first instance since we were married that i know about.
Anyway he has lied to me so much with her.
Now he says he hates her etc.
Should i forgive him again? He lets me check his phones this time, calls/texts me alot, and has started treating me alot better.
He however is still working in Charleston during the week.
I don't know what to do.
I still love him but i don't think i can get over this.
He still has not told me the info from childhood that he has told her.
He lied multiple times and i gave him another chance and he tossed it down the drain.
What do i do?

4 Answers

Lesterwife Answered:

So you would need to work with him first then me then us together? How much do you charge? and how do we reach you? do you do this by phone? Facetime? I have been keeping a notebook and have a few pages typed i would like you to read. Most of it my side. He has a few paragraphs he added at the end. Can i email this to you?

LoveCoach Answered:

Absolutely! I have done it time and again! I am not saying it is easy but it is simple! I do weekend intensives where we really delve into every aspect of the marriage and life-physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and relational. The life partner we choose is supposed to be for life, as well. It really is no different. It is only different in your mind. You are feeling insignificant and uncertain about so many things, and this is a very difficult and trying time for you. The Bible says to forgive 70 times 7, and this is what we all need to practice. I am in no way saying what he did was excusable, it was not, but what I am saying is that when we realize none of us are perfect, and while we might not commit the same sins, we do all sin, then we can get out of our own way and learn to love with heartfelt understanding. When I work with a couple such as you, I do the bulk of the work with the offending spouse...obviously he had some real issues that drove him to infidelity and that needs worked on first and foremost. He obviously wasnt always like that, so we just need to get him back to where he was when you two fell madly in love, and do a relationship reset. The weekend intensives are truly an amazing way to reset any relationship, no matter what the issues are, and though they are emotional, they are much less emotional than separation and divorce, and I promise the outcome is much happier! I can tell you are a loving woman and are just feeling so lost, hurt, and betrayed, and my wish for you is the peace, joy, and understanding that you deserve!

LoveCoach Answered:

Lesterwife, would you ever contemplate giving up on your daughter if she did something that caused you to question your trust in her? Would you just walk away from your child? I ask you to remember when you took those is for better or for is no matter advice to you is to reach out to someone like myself-a Strategic Interventionist -who can, in a matter of a weekend, take you from where you are to happily, blissfully, joyfullt married and trusting 100% again! What I do is not therapy but rather an almost immediate shift in the relationship to get you back on track! You saw something incredible in this man, and you were right! You deserve a passionate, wonderful, loving relationship! I wish for you a life filled with Gratitude, Abundance, and Passion!


Replied on Aug 05, 2015

No I would never give up on my daughter but that is completely different.
I carried her inside of me for 9 months and birthed her.
She is my life.
Him however is a completely different story.
I do love him I'm not in love with him anymore.
There is not but so much emotional abuse a woman can take before enough is enough.
Why do I have to continue to be hurt so much in my marriage while he doesn't.
Yes I take my vows seriously which is why I gave him a second chance in the first place.
He blew that and wants a third chance.
The bible does speak of infidelity being a reason God would not frown upon divorce.
It is the only reason.
To be honest I have been lied to and beat down so much in this marriage I honestly don't think I could ever trust him again.
So what's the point right? Every time he touches me I flinch b/c I'm repulsed by his touch.
All I can see is him/her together every time.
So now you tell me.
Do you honestly think you can shift this relationship back on track?

Helpinghand Answered:

Hi Lesterwife, I feel sorry that you are going through such a tough time right now. But these things happen in most marriages, it's hard to deal with when your partner, whom you trust so much, cheats on you. You ask if you should forgive him again. Well, no one can give you that answer. You need to decide for yourself - based on your love and trust - if you want to. You mentioned towards the end that you still love him. If his behaviour and attitude towards this marriage has also transformed and he has realised his folly, it's up to you if you want to save your marrige or not. In any case, I strongly advise you to visit a marriage counselor and seek appropriate guidance. I'm sure you are currently in a state of confusion and seeking councel can help you (as well as your husband ) tremendously. It is important to find the right marriage counselor who can understand you both and help you achieve clarity, and eventually the best decision.

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