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What questions should I ask before marriage?

Answers (24)

andrea.paul said on
When you’re contemplating something as serious as marriage, although it’s nice and romantic to think that “all you need is love”, the reality is it takes a lot more than that in order to make that kind of relationship work---and more importantly, last. So I am glad that you are already thinking about what questions to ask.


That’s why, if you’re getting to the point where you and your special someone are contemplating marriage, it’s a good idea to see a marriage counselor. Although a lot of people tend to wait until after they are engaged, seeing someone before the big proposal can help to put some things into clear perspective. It can help you to see marriage from a more realistic point of view.
But, if you’re curious about some of the questions that you should ask your significant other as you’re considering sharing the rest of your life with them, here are some crucial ones:



Religion
  • How much does religion, and religious affiliation, matter to you?

Family & Parenting
  • Do you want children? Why or why not?
  • How many?
  • Would you adopt? Why or why not?

Relationship & Love
  • Why did your last three relationships end? Have any regrets?
  • Which religion would our kids follow?
Person / Personality
  • What was the good and not-so-good parts of your childhood?
  • What do you like about your parents’ relationship? What would you do differently?

Personal Goals
  • Why is marriage important to you?
  • What do you feel is your purpose in life?
  • What do you feel a spouse can do for you and your dreams and ambitions?
  • What is more important: compatibility or communication?
Again, these are just a few questions but taking these things into serious consideration will help you to get a greater understanding if you and the one you care about can do more than just love one another. It will help you to discover if you can build a life together too.
LoveCoach said on
andrea.paul those are some GREAT questions, good job!  I would also add just a few as to round out what you should know or be aware of going into a complex relationship like marriage:

1.  How and when will you argue?  Will you have these exchanges as soon as the issue presents itself or will you schedule it for a later time when both partners have had time to process and calm?  
2.  Will you use past behaviors in your discussions?
3.   Do you have a SAFE word?  A word used by either partner to signal that things are getting too heated and you need to take a break before one of you says or does something they will regret?
4.  What will your day to day schedule look like and what household/family chores and errands will each partner be responsible for completing?  What about your time together?  
5.  Will you have date nights or perhaps time where you volunteer together for a non-profit you both enjoy?  What about your individual creative outlets?  Will you share those or will they be reserved only for your time alone?  
6.  What is the way your partner most likes to receive love?  Are they tactile and love to be touched, kissed, hugged, made love to, or are they visual and they like texts, notes, or gifts that you send or give unexpectedly?  Are perhaps they like "acts of service"-washing their car, changing the oil, filling the gas tank, running errands they need to run, etc or perhaps they are auditory and they need to hear they are doing a good job or that you love them and this could be with phone calls, voice notes, or whispers in their ear... by knowing how your partner likes to receive love, it will make it easy for you to know they always know you love them.  There is a wonderful book by Gary Chapman called the Five Love Languages and in that book there are quizzes for both men and women and at the end you will know your partner's love language, and you can then learn to "speak" it frequently and fluently!
andrea.paul said on
That is a great addition LoveCoach. You are awesome! I really like what you have written. I think couples are now really seeking & want to know how they can improve things. They may even have long disussion on these matters before getting married. But the real problem that may occur is when things don't go as planned after marriage...and it's bound to happen. A couple cannot plan their whole lives...when things don't go as planned, that's when one gets to know the strength of a marriage. What are your thoughts?
micheal.dors said on
The most important question to ask before marriage is, “Why I do I want to get married?” This question looks at motivation. If the answer is focused on relationship, love, common ground with a partner, etc., then congratulations! If the motivation for marriage is centered on the wedding ceremony, the reception, and the other frills of an event, then one must step back and reevaluate marriage. Another question to ponder is, “Am I emotionally mature enough for marriage?” To answer this question one should seek insight from a counselor, a wise friend, or a spiritual leader.
LoveCoach said on
You are absolutely right, andrea. We can only plan for what we know, and the rest we have to just prepare for as best we can.  I have often said that the quality of our lives is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty we can comfortably live with, and I try to prepare all of my clients for exactly this.  Reminding them and arming them with tips, tools, and strategies to keep them ever aware that the partners are on the SAME side, no matter what, that when issues do come up, each of them should only be focused on what is best for the union.  They are not coming from a place of selfishness, but rather selflessness and that the best outcome for the BOTH of them is what they should strive to attain.  When life does throw us those nasty curve balls, and it does, over and over again, the only thing we can control is the way in which we interpret those curve balls.  We can see it for what it is, and deal with it instead of making it much more than it is, and thereby causing much more unnecessary pain.  In my work with clients, I help them to re-frame and see that even a seemingly horrendous event or curve ball had some amazing qualities and impact on their lives, and when they really get this, they are immediately standing taller, breathing deeper, and smiling from ear to ear, and in most cases, crying because of the profound impact it can make.  It is probably the most rewarding part of my work!

There is another tool that I will share here...I encourage all of my couples to schedule what I call "state of the union" meetings.  This is a time when the partners get together, whether at home over meatloaf or at a romantic restaurant, and they discuss any issues that have come up since the last meeting.  They also discuss what they love in their relationship and how to expand upon those things, as well.  It should be a very neutral, non-threatening discussion where you can exchange thoughts and feelings (in a non-attack manner) with one another and gain even more intimacy!  

 You are a very intelligent and wise one, andrea, and this forum is lucky to have you here!  <3
sparkle said on
Am I ready for a marriage? Do I really understand what a lifelong commitment means? Do I have any doubts?
lauramarie said on
Does it make me happy to be with the other person? Do we really feel close to each other? Do we believe in each other?
LoveCoach said on
If you are asking these questions, it sounds to me like maybe you do have some doubts.  It might be very helpful for both you and your fiance to talk with someone like myself to go through the things that new lovers dont often think about, but come up later in life and then they are ill prepared.  I would be more than happy to have a conversation with you via telephone, Skype, Facetime, etc so we can nail down some of these issues before they become issues.
loislane1234 said on
Am I willing to make decisions with two people in mind rather than making decisions only for myself?
happykid said on
Am I willing to honor this commitment knowing I may go through seasons of emotional discontentment with my partner?
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