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Trust, should I, shouldnt I ?

I have been married for 7 years and we have 2 children together-5 and 2. My husband is 17 years younger than me, he will be 30 next month and I am 46. I think it is safe to say I have always had some level of  insecurity issues about my looks versus girls his age. I can say, however, that I have always trusted him-until recently.

A couple of weeks ago, we were over at his friends house for a bbq. Normally it is just his friend and his girlfriend, and my husband and I and our children. This time though, another male friend of my husband and his friend was there, and a couple of girl friends of the girlfriend, and one of them had a boyfriend with her.
 
So I am normally DD and I am normally the one to watch our kids and keep them entertained, which is fine by me-I like when my husband gets to hang out with his friends. I will also say, that he and his friends drink A LOT when together, and this night was no exception.
 
This night however, my husband was very overly attentive to the one girl whos boyfriend was there. Like seriously flirting and pretty much ignored me the entire night. It wasn’t until she left that my husband finally came over to where I was and I said it was time to leave.
 
He was pretty drunk so I left him alone, but I confronted him about it the next day and told him I was embarrassed that he would do that in front of me. My husband is a pretty selfish person, and he said that he was sorry and that he was just selfish and immature. It is hard for me to get over things, so I probably spent a good week being pissed off. He has never done anything remotely like that before.

So yesterday I was using his computer, and when I turned it on, skype popped up. He was talking to his friend (same guy) that he works with about a girl that they both work with. His friend said "damn she is sexy" and my husband replied "soooooo sexy, and shes lost weight from when I first started her. Chubbier version, I was like hmmmI coulget that. Now its like, daaaamn out of my league but I would still give it a try". I sent him a screen shot and he said that it is just guy talk, but to me if you are married you shouldn't be saying stuff like that. I just dont know what to think anymore.

Is this really how guys talk and I just stumbled across some meaningless chit chat? Am I being niave and he is just a cheater waiting to happen? I really love him, I feel like he really loves me. We have a great family, a great sex life. I am just feeling more insecure about myself, and now our relationship than I ever have. Any input would be appreciated.

Answers (2)

namnam said on
I understand what you must be going through. An incident like that can upset anyone.
It's totally disgusting for sure ....but not siding him or anything; I guess this is just the way guys  talk. I know it's totally annoying and cheap and he should not have done it ...
But before getting all worked up, look at what you have and share with him. So many years of marriage, kids, a great love life and so much more. Plus, you admit yourself that you love him and he loves you too. Do speak to him that you do not appreciate such talk and dont expect him to do such things ...as it hurts you and its just plain disgusting. He is a married man and he must always remember that. However, calling and believing that he is just a cheater waiting to happen is taking it a bit far. If he is really apologetic about his behaviour then let it go.
Peaceandlove said on
Well, here are some points from what you have written:


I am normally DD and I am normally the one to watch our kids and keep them entertained, which is fine by me



I feel you have taken up this reponsiblity all by yourself. You should let him participate too as he's the dad. Make an effort to create situations where he spends time whith his children more. Even during parties, you could ask him to look after the babies for a short while, while you take a breather. He may get irritated at first but it will eventually make him feel more like a family man




he and his friends drink A LOT when together, and this night was no exception.



This is an absolute nono. You have to make it explicitly clear to him that if he drinks beyond a certain limit, it will harm his health and also put you and the kids at danger as you might have to drive back home from parties. Make him understand that it's his responsibility to keep himself and the family safe. Please demand strictly that he should drink within reason, no matter where he is. Kinda set a rule such as not more than 3 drinks.




It wasn’t until she left that my husband finally came over to where I was and I said it was time to leave.



He was probaly too drunk in this case. But yes make sure that you tell him how left out you felt and if he doesn't understand then decline to go on future parties with him, since it only makes you feel lonely. 




My husband is a pretty selfish person, and he said that he was sorry and that he was just selfish and immature. 




This is the most crucial part. It kind of tells me that your husband has a low-opinion about himself. You have to change this by showing him the good points about him. Improve his self-confidence and self-respect. Tell him about his good points but dont forget to highlight his shortcomings and how he can overcome them. All of this must be done with a positive attitude and not condescendingly





my husband replied "soooooo sexy, and shes lost weight from when I first started her. Chubbier version, I was like hmmmI coulget that. Now its like, daaaamn out of my league but I would still give it a try". I sent him a screen shot and he said that it is just guy talk




Ya, men talk like that. First of all never check his messages, Facebook, skype etc. That's just wrong as eveyones privacy should be respected. Also these are just irrelevant. See how he treats you, the kids and then you'll be able to judge him better. Not by some random words written on an online forum or social network.  



If you do this it will only make him defensive and he will still continue to do this but just try harder to hide it from you.



Last words: 

Don't give him the guilt trip. Try to reason with him and bring out the positive side of him. The loving, caring and understanding side of him - that every man has but is kind of dormant because of the centuries of indoctrination we men have undergone at the hands of other men.



Give him time. Say a year. If things dont change then you know what to do.



Cheers,
From a happily married man 

 
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