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Asked by Last Updated:

Should I trust her?

I've been married to my wife for less than two years.
We're middle-aged and it's the second marriage for both of us.
She is considerate, intelligent and soft-spoken.
She has told me she loves me.
I've been faithful and loving to her, as well as a good stepfather to her children.
The chink in the marriage is I don't trust her.
For two years after she divorced her first husband, she admitted she regularly tried to get picked up at overnight business conferences, conventions, etc.
 She wasn't very often successful, but she was always trying.
She continued doing this while dating her boyfriend who came before me, whom she dated 18 months.
She still goes on several of these trips a year.
I fear she may still engage in this practice.
She invites me on some of these trips, but not on others.
Why some and not others? Before we wed, she said her only hesitation in marrying me was she wished she had dated more.
Five weeks after we got married, I found Facebook messages between her and a married man she once bedded down with during an overnight trip.
A few of these messages were sexually charged, but nothing in the messages clearly showed they had gotten together again.
A few months after our wedding, I found an unopened box of condoms in her dresser drawer.
She told me they were left over from before she met me; I've never worn one with her.
She said she forgot to throw them away.
Last summer, she asked me how many partners I had had before I met her; the number was higher than she expected to hear.
The first thing she said in reply, was, "Maybe I need to have a few more men.
"  At a recent wedding reception for another couple, she was tipsy and at one point, laughing it up with a group of men, putting her arm around one of them.
She also danced provocatively (not with a man, but with two female friends, but on display for any man watching).
She spent a good part of the reception away from me, socializing around the hall.
  I have no clear evidence she has cheated on me, but I do suspect she has the urge.
What kind of trust should I have in her?

1 Answers

Namnam Answered:

Okay, now that sounds really fishy to me frankly. Just be open about it to her and ask her what is going on. I'm guessing before even marrying her, you had trust issues about her, which probably u did not feel the need to address then. Did you think marriage would solve it? If that was the case, then clearly the problem still persists. You should tell her - trust is a major component in any marriage and you need to feel comfortable about your partner. She needs to leave her past behind - and focus on nurturing the marriage now. Comments like 'I need to have more men' does not help. You should be irritated about it. Don't be afraid to speak you mind, or get pissed, She needs tp grow and understand what a marriage is and most importanly what your expectations are....Find out what she expects as well, as work towards that. That's the only way to make things work....unless you're in a different kind of an 'open marriage' situation where it's ok. Speak up, man and do what's right for you!  


Replied on Feb 26, 2015

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
I completely trusted her before the marriage.
Suspicion entered five weeks after the wedding, when I found the Facebook messages.
I then took the marriage down from the pedestal and looked at it in a cold light.
I have brought up to her my concerns and I have gotten mad with her.
Her response is she loves me very much and would not do anything to jeopardize the marriage.
However, I know people can love their spouses, after a fashion, but still cheat.
My overall fear is, although my wife loves me, she still wants to experience a few more men through dalliances.
Again, thank you for your time.

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