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Emotional affairs

I have been married to my husband now for 26 years.  We have two children, 19, 24.  We were high school sweethearts and married a year after we graduated.  So in setting this up I wanted to say that my son played travel ball since he was 7 and my husband worked alot of the time and I had to take my son to his tournaments.  So last year my husband went to the Barbershop and there was a woman that they had hired and she cut his hair.  She was a person that he knew in the community, she was a preachers wife.  She asked for his number and he gave it to her.  She then began to text him and he was texting her.  This went on for several months.  I found out threw finding his phone and she had text him. There was nothing sexual in the text but there were emotions involved in the texts and cards that my husband gave her.  The day I found out my heart shattered into a million peices and I was so oblivious to this. I did know something was not right because of the distance that there was between us.  But this hit my like a ton of bricks.  My husband hit his knees and said that he was so sorry and I just did not want to hear anything at that point.  She had the nerve to call me and tell me that My husband was just a friend who helped her through a tough time. She also said to me that it is very hard to be a preachers wife.  I told her that I did not give a ____ about her or what her problems were.  She better stay away from me and my family.  So I find out that my husband went to our preacher and talked to him and gave him permission to talk to me about there sessions and the preacher told me that he was trying to get her to stop texting him and there was no sex involved it was that he was flattered that he was getting attention from someone.  I will never blame myself for his choice but I do know that we were so wrapped up in everything, raising kids, and everyday life that my husband and I forgot about each other, this is true.  So I guess my question is how do you heal and not freak out everytime he leaves?  Has anyone ever gone through this I would love to hear from you.  My husband has spent every day since the day I found out trying to make up for the hurt he has caused.He has had no contact whatsoever with this woman.  He has given me access to his phone and he actually put a gps on his phone so that I could check his whereabouts anytime I wanted to.  He tells me daily that he loves me.  I just am hurting over the fact that he told another woman he loved her and left me at home wondering why there was so much distance.  He calls me all day and text me all day how much he loves me and that he would never do that ever again.  I want to believe him but I don't trust anything right now.  He planned a weekend away and wanted to renew our vows which we did. I feel like our marriage is going down a different path where we respect each other and try to communicate more.  I need help and I want to help anyone else that might be going through the same thing.  I appreciate anyones feedback.

Answers (4)

n.marriage said on
Dear Emotional,
I can understand all you must be going through right now. I REALLY do. But the real question is not what happened, or what he did, or about that woman or how hurt you feel, the question really is do you still love him and want this marriage to work? I can sense that your answer is a yes which is why you are trying your best to resolve the matters.

If that is the case, then you need to trust him again. And this is the hardest of all, because if you have ever been let down – and we all have – reconstructing the trust is difficult. This isn't about infidelity, but many small matters – broken promises, bad intentions, frustrated hopes. I know, and possibly your husband also understands this. If you love him, you have to trust him.
Yes, you have to trust, even though you have no guarantee you won't be let down....If you want this to work you need to forget and forget again about any perceived hurts and mistreatment. Dragging the weight of the past behind you will drag you down in the end. Since your husband is accepting the truth and even assuring you of his feelings, then give him a chance.....just saying. You may just look back at this as a rough patch...which you both could overcome in your marriage.
All the best :)

emotional1268 said on Dec 15, 2014

Thank you for your response. It was very helpful.
hstewart said on
Hello Emotional1268,
The fact that your husband gives access to his phone and repented shows accountability. Fear and distrust are destructive emotions. God does forgive and none of us are perfect. It is true that acts of betrayal or deception grieves one spirit and is wounding for months after the event(s). Since you both have taken the steps to restore the trust by renewing your vows and open access to each other 's cell. Read the book " the love dare" together. Read the Bible together esp Proverbs. Subscribe to websites like www.Familylife.com  or http://www.marriagetoday.com/  .Give marriages a chance for healing.  The negative powers regret success of marriages.Good luck.
emotional1268 said on
Thanks so much for your comment above. You are right
truemarriage said on
Dear emotional, this is the situation at any time occurs in every marriage. You said there is no sexual contact between them. Please leave to God what happened and back your trust for your husband. When you are thinking bad things, it occupy your whole soul and it is difficult to manage after that. Please think all the positives of your husband. Forgive him for what he did, then love him. Finally, you will harvest from God and your husband. Don't forget your sons/ daughters will be happy when you are together.
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