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Asked by Last Updated:

Is my 20 year marriage worth saving or moving on?

Let me start off by saying me and wife have been together since high school which is going on 20 years.
We are still fairly young (37&36yrs old) for having a 20 year marriage.
It's very rare in this day and age.
We have been through many ups and downs early on in our marriage and I was a major factor of that.
  I will admit I was very immature and selfish when i was younger and looked for attention from other women.
I would blame my wife for my cheating which was just my way of diverting the embarrassment of getting caught.
I eventually did grow up and I stopped all the bullshit.
I tried to be a good husband and father at that point but i guess the damage was done.
This time the roles were reversed and my wife cheated on me.
I took it as I deserved it because of the immature shit I did to her.
I found out that she was having an affair for a year with a co-worker.
She even moved out and was ready to move on with her life at this point with a guy that was very very toxic and physically abusive towards women.
 I fought for her and eventually got back together and have been ever since.
  It has been years for both of us since anything regarding infidelity was an issue.
But since then we have been battling other issues.
My wife works from home, I work in a field that is very stressful and demanding with very little sleep.
 Our two kids go to school and play sports.
I literally live off of 4-5 hours of sleep a day and sometimes I'm irritable and do snap (verbally) towards my wife and kids.
My day typically consists of me working midnight shift and getting off at 6-7am.
I come home and take my kids to school and then go to bed around 8:30-9:00.
I get back up around 2 and pick them up from school.
We rotate on days with sports but I try to always go anyway because I want to watch my kids.
I handle all the finances, Bills, doctor/dentist appt, repairs around the house, during the day school activities, parent/teacher conferences, etc.
    I have been doing this stuff for so long that my wife expects it to be that way forever which I guess is my fault.
I have tried to get her more involved in stuff to relieve some of the burden on me but it somehow gets pushed to the side and back on my lap.
I'm just stressed out and have a lot on my plate and dont know what to do.
I know I'm a good person and have changed.
I'm decent looking (I think haha), have a good career, house, car, etc.
I try my best to make my wife feel wanted, buy her flowers and let her know I appreciate her.
I just want to feel the same in return.
I have even noticed recently that my wife has been drinking a lot more as well.
I'm trying to do what I can to save my marriage but I'm lost at this point.
 There is a definitely a lot more but I think I would need to write a book first to include it all.
     

1 Answers

Andrew Answered:

Wow! It sounds like you're really going through it right now.
I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a stressful time. It sounds like you do a lot for your family and strive to put them first.
Let me start by saying that you and your wife have overcome a lot together. You know how to rely on one another and how to forgive, which are great lessons that many couples still need to learn.
It may be tempting to leave, especially when you're feeling so rotten. But think about it this way.
You've basically been down this road before. You've cheated on your wife in the past and pursued other options and she has done the same. But where did you end up? Back together.
Remember that every woman becomes a "wife". You will only find the same types of problems in your next relationship, so why not work on fixing the family you've already built?
I strongly suggest marriage therapy. (There's a great tool for finding one in your area, here: https://www.marriage.com/experts/)
A counselor or therapist can help you and your wife open the lines of communication and get to the bottom of any resentment you guys are carrying in your marriage.
Good luck.

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