Does my husband love me?
I have been married to my husband for 11 years now and we have 2 kids.
He lost his job few years into the marriage and his savings are also gone on family needs.
He is a very caring father.
Helps a lot with house chores and all, but he does not know how to care for my emotional needs.
Maybe I'm selfish and self-centered.
Since we have been married, he has never tried to hug me voluntarily.
I always initiate the hugs.
Even at that, he does not try to hug me back, but keeps his hands outstretched.
Unless I ask him why, then he folds his hands around me.
He does not care about my mum or siblings and tries as much as possible not to make contact with them.
He is also not a very friendly person.
No parties, birthdays or visitations.
Just his wife and kids.
He does not even believe in going out together with his family.
He uses nasty words at me like useless.
Since he lost his job, God has been using the job He gave me to support our needs.
Rent, schools fees, feeding and everything else.
i did encourage him to get a menial job at the time, but he mentioned that getting such jobs as a graduate was embarrassing.
He blames me for not having left the country to overseas.
My argument at the time was that we need to establish business in our own country and grow from there, not to go to another country to serve.
Finally, we compromised and did try to immigrate.
We spent so much, took loans.
He spent 1 year there and was not able to secure a job.
The work Visa he was given did not allow his family travel with him until after a qualified job and approval of our residency permit.
He returned home.
At the airport (thinking he'll be so happy to see us after 1 year away), he was obviously upset and I could feel no love from him.
I asked him what the matter was, he said cause the car had some dents and he was unhappy about that.
After this episode, he agreed that we set up our won business, but did not make any move towards this.
Somehow, I created a website for our company and showed him.
Asked him to to review and decide the company name.
He liked it and made some changes/improvement, picked a name, which we registered.
We tried marketing our products together but nothing came up.
I felt my husbands nature with people was not helping out.
So, praying and searching, I was hoping to meet someone in IT we could partner with that had all the business savvyness.
I met someone and we became friends.
I hinted the person about partnership and he agreed.
We shared ideas, created a profile and sent out.
Several prospects showed real interest and stuff started moving forward.
My husband got very upset that I was spending time chatting with this guy, even late into the night.
I must confess I was attracted to the guy, but I am the type of woman that does not cheat no matter what.
But my husband started responding to me a lot, both emotionally and otherwise.
he showered me with so much attention.
Hugged me all the time.
I felt suffocated.
My heart was already drawn to someone else.
So I did a double check and tried hard to take my mind off the other man and focus only on business with him.
During that period, I got angry with my husband and told him to stop monitoring me all the time.
He got angry and blocked me on Whatsapp.
At that time, I was so broke and could only reach him via whatsapp chat and call.
No call credit at all.
We were in so much debt.
I took a car loan for him so we could do uber as per his request.
But the car needed repairs severally and instead of making profit to pay back the loan, the profit was used to fix the car and I had to pay back the loan from my salary, which was not enough in the first place.
I remember fighting him about us not taking a loan for a car when we had exiting debts.
Wanted him to focus on starting a business in his line of profession, but he found one reason or the other to shun the idea.
Anyways, we made up about the whatapp blocking and stopped fighting.
Things were moving fine again.
Then my office decided to let me go.
I was so afraid to tell him cause I felt he had so much weight on his mind already.
So, after 24 hours and while upset I told him.
maybe it was the way I said it.
I don't know.
He did not even hug me or try to really console me.
He said sorry from some meters away from me.
I got angry and said he was not responding well to my emotional needs.
Not even a hug or something.
He got angry and stopped chatting me on whatsapp again.
Now he's not talking to me.
I have sent him several messages to make him feel happy and that I'm no longer upset.
He has not even read them.
I called him on whatsapp, he did not pick.
I don't know what to think.
I feel he really does not love me.
Love comes from the heart and you will do anything for someone you truly love.
Right? I did not expect him to get angry at this time.
Remember I still have the car loan debt on me and the landlady and kids school call me to talk about balance payment.
I feel like separating from him
I’m really sorry you’re feeling so confused about your marriage right now. Sometimes men express themselves differently than women. There's an article (found here: https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/does-he-love-me/) that talks all about the signs you should look out for to confirm whether or not your husband loves you.
You can look for the signs to try and decode your man, but I would suggest working on your communication. Since you are clear about what you want i.e. more intimacy, start by asking him what he wants now, or maybe a year from now or 5 years from now. It seems like both of you are looking in different directions at times. It would be great to have some shared goals instead.
It also seems like you have different love languages, you display physical intimacy and crave it while he believes in acts of service. (you can learn more about it here)
Also, the feelings he experienced when he thought he would lose you show that he has strong feelings for you. He may call you useless but in fact, his own failures are also weighing him down. There are many factors here that can be worked with if both of you focused on better communication, focusing on the positives (I know it’s hard but not impossible) and changing your outlooks.
At the same time, if his treatment borders on mental abuse then you may rethink the relationship.