Is it time to walk away and how?
A little background before I get to the question.
I was 15 when I started dating him.
At age 19 while we were broken up, I found out I was pregnant.
HIs parents basically talked him into marrying me.
We have now been married for 23 years and its been full of turmoil from day one.
He likes to drink.
He doesn't consider himself an alcholic because he doesn't drink every day but when he does drink it's in excess.
Over the years he has had at least three trips to the ER (broken jaw, separated shoulder, cut in head) due to drinking episodes.
He frequenly calls me nasty names when he has been drinking and says such things as "I don't know why I even married you".
Even when he's not drinking he belittles me and I have never felt like an equal partner.
He often treats me like he's more like my father than my spouse and then he gets very very upset when I don't want to have sex with him.
I know I have blame in the relationship too.
I have found over the last 7 months I have completely shut down and am very cold towards him.
Everything he does annoys me and I have become very defensive in everything.
I can't even stand it when he tries to hug me or show any affection.
I avoid him and don't want to spend any time with him.
The thought of spending the rest of my life in this causes me anxiety.
We have been separated on at least three occasions but I end up going back out of hope things will change and the guilt I have for tearing our family apart.
I recently hit my breaking point and told him I couldn't do this anymore and wanted a divorce.
I have no where to go right now so I am having to stay there and he keeps saying that he thinks we can work this out and that I would devastate the kids if I do this.
I feel awful in the fact that I don't want it anymore and I don't love him.
I feel mad that now, after 23 years, he decides that he will attempt to be nice to me and our children and I know deep down it won't last.
He will go back to his ways after the dust settles like every other time.
But every day I am there with him I feel more dread that I will get sucked back in to believing it will be different this time only to be dissapointed but I also feel extreme guilt for breaking up my family and the thought of my kids being upset with me because "dad is really trying this time".
If anyone has any advice I would so appreciate it.
Is it time to walk away? Do I keep trying? How will all of this affect my kids? Thank you all for your time.