In the worst and most heartbreaking situation. please help. desperate.
I am a 28-year-old female, born and raised in Australia, although my parents are Pakistani.
I had a semi-arranged marriage with a lovely, kind, sweet, soft-hearted soul.
In many ways, he is the perfect husband that gives me respect, space, and encouragement, a dream for most women.
The main problem between us during our 2-year marriage is that there is an enormous mismatch in libido.
My husband, a very handsome and attractive man.
I feel a lot of love for him, but it seems he does not have much sexual desire or arousal for me in particular? I am a beautiful woman, have the perfect 34, 24, 38 figure and take excellent care of myself.
He has told me I am physically attractive but seems to be put off me.
He keeps changing his story from it being that I look too innocent and sweet, to me desiring sex too much (“being too keen to sleep with him”) and requesting sexual favors in bed.
Now after two years of constant rejection and being pushed away by him (sex going from 4-5 times a month in the beginning to 0-2 times a month), I have become a bitter, demanding and sexually frustrated lady which he now uses as an excuse not to come near me.
I’ve tried everything in bed, every tactic to get him more into having sex with me, it doesn’t seem to work.
He’s seen a doctor and psychologist to check if he has a sexual problem, but it seems he’s fine.
He is physically ok, but I feel put off him now, He keeps getting soft in the middle of sex, tired, keeps washing his hands, only started french kissing recently, is mostly selfish during sex and gets rude and put off when I ask him to do a sexual favor.
He reminds me of a 12-year-old boy in bed; he is 29.
I was a virgin before marriage and waited 26 years to enjoy a sex life with my husband, but all I’ve gotten is sadness, depression, and heartbreak in this area.
Another problem between us is that I do not find him very masculine.
It seems he doesn’t seem to be a very protective man.
He will be okay with me being out all day and night, out with any man on my own (in our culture it is somewhat shunned upon).
He pushes me to have a career (I desire to be a housewife and have kids soon, though I do want to work part-time), doesn’t particularly miss me or wait for me to come home.
In many ways we are mismatched, the latter problem I can still adjust to, but the former is making me sad.
My husband and I are best friends and truly love each other.
Intellectually, humor-wise, family-wise, and in many ways – value system-wise – we are a match made in heaven.
The problem is I don’t think I can take this marriage even in it’s most perfect state without the sex or the sex is fake.
I think I want to end it, but there are so many good things about him that I can’t just walk away from either.
Divorce is a huge deal in our culture, two huge families split up, not just the couple, and I have genuinely grown to love my in-laws, as they love me.
However, there is something highly offputting to me about a man with low sex drive and desire for me no matter how many times I talk about positive things.
I am at a point now where I feel so put off that we have significant fights every day.
We have talked about divorce a lot lately, threaten each other, then kiss and cuddle at night as we are too scared to leave and be alone.
It is now at the point I know we need to separate, I’ve decided to move back to Australia, and we will take a 3-6 month break to reconsider the marriage (for me at least, I think he is keen to treat this as a holiday at my parents' place and not a separation – though I have mentioned it).
The problem is he is such a sweetheart in almost every other way, never an important date, anniversary, anything he would miss.
He makes time for me, remembers all the favorite foods, movies, things I need/want, nurses me in sickness, etc.
My family says that sex is something every guy will want with you, but very few will want to care for you and genuinely love you the way he does.
I just want to run away.
Can anyone offer me any advice? I feel very heartbroken and stuck, either option to stay or leave is very painful, I can’t decide what is worse.
Okay my advice would be to stay in the marriage. There are so many good things that outweigh the few bad ones. Although not to diminish the bad whatsoever. Compatible sex is high on the priority list in most relationships but for some it's not. Relationships can't be perfect in every single way. There has to be compromise along the way. No one person is alike so we have to know that each person has their own ideal view of how sex should be, the importance of, how often etc. What was our cultural view growing up? How were we conditioned by what we learned from our parents? I suspect your husband either didn't learn much at all or learned to be ignorant of the female's participation and PLEASURE by thinking only of his own gratification (which believe it or not is a common view that males have in many cultures). Your husband is conditioned the way he is so I would first try to get him to come around and get him to realize that things need to happen here. It's very selfish of him to not consider your pleasure and your feelings - how important this is to you. If he doesn't eventually realize this by making an effort then if it were me I would consider other avenues for my pleasure in that department and I would stay married because as you say yourself "he is a sweetheart in most every other way". Which BTW is so hard to find in a man so keep him!=)