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Asked by Last Updated:

Husband saying no to kids, anyone else been through this any advice

Post 1 of 3 sorry for the length.
We are 35, been together for 10 years married 2.
We never had an ultimatum talk and should have I know that now but we're married so can't go back.
Whenever kids came up I would say I want 1 and he would say he doesn't we'd then talk and he would say maybe you just need to work on changing my mind.
Looking back I see patterns were I was questioning in my head if I should get out and we'd end up in big fights about other things.
In all honesty before we got married I developed a rash that the doctor thought was shingles.
I know it was stress related and I thought it was the stress of planning a wedding and being extremely busy at work.
But I think it was my subconscious screaming at me to deal with this issue.
I justified it by the past experience with him.
When we meet he told me he doesn't do relationships but yet 1 month later we were pretty much locked in, he would say he doesn't want to get married.
That he loves me and wants to marry me but the idea of married was something he didn't take lightly and didn't want to ever get divorced and felt like getting married had to be right.
I can't say I didn't push starting at year 6 but I never gave an ultimatum on it either.
So with him hes always been no I don't want this but then ended up doing it.
I felt it was fear based.
I have been asking for us to try for a child now for a little over a year.
His reasons for saying no include: 1.
I don't communicate with him well enough.
If you can't tell from above, I tend to hold things in and not want to have confrontation.
I have a lot of anxiety over fighting and we have the same communication fight every month.
He feels I don't, answer questions, express the truth, listen, and express myself without only talking about how things make me feel.
A example of what I an talking about is, we are going to omaha next weekend.
He in passing brought up going to a nice dinner one night.
I kind of responded with a yeah maybe.
Last night when sitting there he goes, "here are the top rated steak houses and lists 10 names.
" My reaction is how am I supposed to discuss these without knowing more.
I could feel my anxiety build but thought okay respond with what your first thought was.
So I say I can't really tell you what I think about those without more info, do you have more info.
To which his response is I wasn't wanting to pick I wanted to have a simple easy conversation.
This set of my anxiety more because I'm thinking okay what does he want he listed names.
So I go into explaining why I answered the way I did.
Which lead him to say his typical comment, when are you ever going to be able to just have a conversation, this is why we will never be happy.
I deserve a partner who can just have a conversation.
I was looking for information on do you want to go to a steak nice dinner, does that sound good, do you think we should spend the money, etc.
Not ti pick a place, I want to know what you think not your final decision.
I feel like there is something wrong with me that my responses aren't what he calls normal.
And being this is the

2 Answers

Here is why I have hope. I do love him. Hes so smart and funny and he's been there for me so many times and has a way about making me look at things in ways I never would have before. Hes definitley added to my life. In terms of kids. Last year he went with me to the OB to understand fertility and pregnancy over 35, we also did a genetic test to ensure we would be fine. He does say things like if we have kids, and things like that would be a good name for a kid, and if I have a kid we'd. Also recently he posted on a financial blog about my proposition to move for his job and everyone told him not to financially so he said for a few days he felt like he could give up his salary and take less. But then changed his mind because he wouldn't feel like a man and couldn't support himself if we tot divorced. Also for the 3 months hes been willing to go without protection most of the time. I thought this meant he had come around so I tried initiating during my O time and he shut it down saying not without protection and that we aren't ready for this. That lead to a long very emotion and heated talk all day. In which he left it with unit you want me to change my mind start fixing all the things I am telling you I need and a long talk about budgeting. Which I reacted poorly too. We keep things separate right now because I want to make sure we keep saving (and hes a saver too but much less than me... hence hes into buying stock and metal because he feels like hes buying something but its saving at the same time.) And I don't want to feel like I can't buy a new dress or get my hair done because I'm taking money away from him or spending his. I am completely comfortable with giving money and me paying for the majority but don't want to be told did you really need that 5.00 coffee when you could have had a 2.00 one when I'm saving at such a high rate. I came around a couple days later and understood what he was saying was with a budget that couldn't happen unless you went over 5he budget and that budget would be set by us and didn't need to be ultra low. But at first I felt like it was going to be a layer of control and control scares me. It wasn't what he was getting at he was trying to find away to loss out on 20k and still feel like we can keep things in the direction we are now. He won't let me walk it back though so.

Post 2 or 3 #1 thing standing in the way of getting to be a mom and also end my anxiety and sadness about the inability to naturally communicate together. When he first brought up the no to children and keep pointing to above types of weekly conversations I started therapy hoping it would help me fix my issues. It didn't really seem to, I felt like all I did was complain about him and justify why I did what I did and it was no more than complaining to a friend about your life. What has helped me is religion and spending months working on my self worth and working to forgive the areas I have felt wronged. I've grown very much in myself and my own understanding of my worth and how I let come tendencies influence my life too much. But I still struggle with communicating to him and not shutting down as soon as he makes me feel like my responds isn't valid. Any advice here? He does deserve someone that will speak there mind without anxiety ruling the conversation and not just trying to avoid conflict. This is just easier said than done for me and he thinks I'm just not trying because if I just said I am going to respond and listen everytime I could succeed. Hus #2 is he took a job because the old owner he worked for retired and gave the business to his daughter and she knew nothing about the business and to be honest wasn't a high functioning adult "like would ask him why her computer didn't work weekly and all it was was that it shut down. His business is very niche only a few companies on the US. So he went to work for a company out of state and took a sales job. He hates the traveling but now likes his boss and feels much better outside of not wanting to travel and having anxiety over being in sales and anyone in sales understand how budgets and reviews can give you anxiety. But he says we can't have kids because his dad worked nights and he wouldn't want to do that to a kid with him being gone all the time. He is supposed to travel for 1 week a month. I have suggested we move to his companies state so that he could take a less travel job which had been hinted at to him. He is reluctant to do that because I make 6 times more than him and as I am in sales and it's a ne market and I'd be starting over it most likely would mean a big hit for a few years. Plus we would be losing his mom so we would have no help with a kid. #3 I'd the money kids cost. This one kills me because I have been working so hard to set this up to not be an issue, I just paid off the house (I say I because its been all my money, he still owns a house with his brother and pays his own morgtage) we have no debt besides a car loan that has 20k and would be paid off this month if he didn't need a new car as well so we're debating were my commission check should go downpayment or pay off my car. We max retirement, we invest in a brokerage, we do spend a decent amount but the past 4 years I have been putting over 50% toward building wealth. We split all discrecanary per our income. So a kid would cost him but I feel like what he has gained from my working hard at work it's like a slap in my face to put that back at me. Just the fact that having a kid could cause us to let be able to go out as much would take care of 40% of the cost of a kid on the high end. #3 kid create tension which will lead to a divorce due to our communication issues. This one I can understand. And if we got divorced and he quit his job (which without any education he'd never get a job paying him what he makes nke) so he wouldn't be able to support himself especially with child support. #4 freedom... I get the but we wouldn't be able to go to Europe or adults only especially being we can only really trust his mom to watch the kid for us. But I see it as we would have other things liej camping as a family, doing road trips to see historic sites which he loves, and just hanging as a family playing board games etc. Mind you our typical life is we work, we come home we eat, clean, maybe play a video game or watch some tv . On the weekend we sometimes go to a college football game, but mostly we might go out to eat and have a beer or two then we go home and hang out at home. We don't have a big we go out and do things lifestyle. We do typically do a week vacation every other year. #4 kids are sticky and they will ruin all my things. He has a but of OCD when it comes to things he has bought. It drives him nuts that I eat in my car and that I throw my purse into the back seat when he rides in my car because it shows I don't care about this expensive nice thing we bought. I feel like it's a car and yes it's nice which means I need to clean it more, and make sure it gets maintenance but that I use my car for work and drive a decent amount and if it saves me time to eat in my car or makes it easier I am going to. I do try and respect him more and clean it out more often use more caution. He brings up our nee Nintendo and eating when playing. He totally caught me eating doritos and playing and he said see you do it so no way the kids wouldn't or that you would let them when I wasn't home. Theres some truth to it because I look at it like this. The Nintendo was 100.00 we bought 2 because he wanted to keep a back up just in case. To me eating and playing it and potentially ruining a 7 dollar remote isn't a big deal. I am trying to just accept how he feels and try and be better here even though to me it's crazy. I feel this is an area that I can try and respect him and show I care about his feelings. Instill daily sometimes... i.e. Nintendo story. #4 hes never had a desire to have kids So when we talk about all of this what he tells me is that I need to start solving problems and then all I need to do is convince him and if he was in a happy perfect marriage he probably would. This of course makes me feel like crap and I focus on the pain of it. I am trying to instead realize he needs problems solved but so much if above I don't see a solution anymore. I think I feel theres so much at stake for me that I'm blocked. man.

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