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Asked by Last Updated:

Wife refusing intimacy and sex

I have been married 14 years now.
since last few years why wife has shown reluctance to have sex with me.
And since last one year we have had sex only once.
She says she does not like to do it.
Does not give any reason.
says she does not want to die due to engaging in sex.
She says she's had enough of it.
Most of the time she does not like me touching, hugging and kissing her.
She does not wants any affection shown my me whether physical or even through texting, etc.
(85w) I do love her and very much need intimacy and sex with her.
Her behavior is very much hurting me and frustating me.
Also, I am very much stressed since one year due to this behavior of hers.
I have even told her about the stress I am going through due to her behavior, but she does not relent.
Says it my problem, do whatever you want to do with it.
I have tried many times to discuss this problem, but it ends in arguments and fights.
Whenever I try to initiate any physical contant or sex, she gets into an argument by saying "no" and then that leads to heated arguments.
So for a few weeks we are going just fine.
Then I feel the sexual tension (my wife is beautiful and sexy) building in me and then I try to initiate physical contact or sex and then I land up in any argument leading to very bad verbal fights and she starts screaming, at which point I have to stop talking since it becomes very embarassing for me.
This happens every 2-3 weeks.
I have asked her to come to marriage counselling several times, but she refuses.
says i have a problem, she doesn't.
To me it looks like she have lots of resentment in her for me which has been collected over the years.
This is coming out in her refusal to be intimate with me in any way.
Any guidance to improving my situation?

2 Answers

AnanthiM Answered:

As you said your married 14 years now. since last few years why wife has shown reluctance to have sex with me. And since last one year, we have had sex only once. She says she does not like to do it. Spicing things up in the bedroom and making your partner uncomfortable are two absolutely different things. Physical Intimacy in the Bedroom Is a Two-way Street Counseling will help. Counseling psychologists help with current situations and problems and then offer advice. Since they typically do not work with people struggling with severe mental health disorders, People usually consult with them to discuss relationships, substance abuse, career, and other problems.

Roeshell Answered:


It's natural to happen.

Don't worry, if she isn't comfortable to get into any sort of intimate zone with you.

Since this problem is arising from her side, it's better if you speak to her politely and understand the reason for her resistance.
And to you, my advice would be, please try to communicate with her on the matters other than sex.

Now that you already know she's not comfortable to share such space with you, you should try to build her trust in you at first.

To get intimate one has to have a mutual trust to expose themselves on such levels. It might be disturbing for her too that most of your conversations with are based on sex only.

This opinion (if she has) will trouble her every time when you ask for such favours.

As you mentioned, it has been 15 years to your marriage and she doesn't feel the need to get sexually attached to you yet.

It's a bit strange to know but then if that's the case, you should try to understand the reason behind it. And this, in fact, she won't share unless you both share a cordial bond.

You need to work on that first. This will help you solve this problem and will develop a trust factor for future as well.

I know it will take time, perhaps a lot of time, but to save your marriage in a long run, you should show some patience.

If she is not comfortable to approach personally, you can consult an online counselor. You can also connect with a therapist if she's not comfortable with marriage counseling for sexual advice. Couples therapy is yet another way to solve a problem as such.

Good Luck!!


Replied on Sep 26, 2018

Thanks for this Roeshell.
I'm going through almost identical situation as noted in my question here - https://www.
I do believe that something has happened in our relationship that we need to uncover as our sex used to be amazing, but lately, there is nothing.
She said it's her libido that simply isn't there, but I find it practically impossible to understand that after 10yrs of relationship, 8yrs of marriage that you can just "shut down".
There simply has to be a reason, and I'm keep trying to help her find it, either correct it or I guess we both need to move on (super sad panda).

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