I don’t know if I should divorce my husband or not?
A little background: We have been together for 7 years.
Married for one.
We started dating when I was 14 and he was 17 and we have been having sex since then.
He comes from an extremely religious christian family and we have kept this hidden from everyone.
Literally not one person knew outside of our relationship knew.
I have always thought of my SO as my best friend, and I really haven't had any other person that I spent time with in the past 7 years other than him.
I became so isolated from all of my other friends that I had before him, because they did "sinful" things.
Drink, party, have premarital sex, etc.
I had fully bought into the church his family went to at this point and I simply thought "It's wrong so I shouldn't do it.
" any time I had an urge to go out and do something with my friends and was met with resistance from him.
He always had friends, but never really did anything with them without me there also until he went to college while I was still in high school.
He isolated himself just as much as I had.
I am not saying whether this was right or wrong on his part.
He is a wonderful person and loves me very much.
So recently, I started streaming video games and I was quite successful with it.
I love it so much and it made me very happy.
No one from the community knows that I am married though.
My husband is actually the one that didn't want me to tell people and now I wished that I had.
I feel that me not telling people that I was married played more into my fantasy of being single.
Now I feel like everyone will hate me if I tell them I am actually married.
I also started my masters program and I had planned on doing this while I was in school to support me.
I think that streaming is what opened me up to the idea of possibly leaving.
It may have been because I realized there was more out there than just me and him.
I have always imagined him dying in a car accident or other ways just to be single.
I also haven't been sexually attracted to him for the past three or so years.
It has degraded even further since we have been married though.
I cried on our wedding nights, because I was already starting to regret marrying him.
I felt like I had to marry him though.
I really didn't feel like there was anyone else out there for me.
He is also homophobic, but he said he would work on this, so it isn't really that big of an issue.
It just brings up the fact that he has certain beliefs that I don't and I don't know how that could possibly play a role in a family dynamic in the future.
Would our children be forced into his beliefs also? His family is something that I have a huge problem with.
They expect us to attend church every single Sunday.
If you don't go to church you are going to hell in their eyes.
This goes with any other thing that is considered sinful to them.
My feelings on this front have changed drastically since I was younger.
Anyways, I confronted him about six months ago that I was having doubts about our marriage.
We discussed it and I said that I would work on things like spending more time together and being more invested in our relationship.
At this point I was apart from him throughout weekdays and we would spend time together on the weekend.
I would also stream for a few hours on the weekend.
It seemed like once the idea of leaving him was verbally expressed I thought about it more and more often.
A few months later I told him again that I wasn't in love with him and I was having thoughts of divorce.
I was in a negative mindset and becoming more and more depressed every day.
I wasn't treating him fairly at this time either.
I realize how wrong this was.
I wasn't trying my hardest to fall in love with him again.
We did go to counseling and talk about a way to possibly fix the problem, but I didn't want to because I still wasn't feeling any love for him.
I took a week to go visit my grandparents and friends and just be without him.
I didn't miss him at all during this time, but I started realizing through advice of friends that I should try harder and not set myself into negativity so quickly.
So now, here I am trying to find ways to fall back into love with him, but my depression is making this very difficult.
I have also stopped streaming indefinitely.
He actually told me that it had turned me into a "monster" and "all the attention had gotten to my head" after speaking to his friends about all of this.
I feel awful about the way that I made him feel and I didn't understand how my negativity about the situation was affecting him.
I am trying harder to be more positive and focus on his good traits and trying to think about why I fell in love with him in the first place.
How do I proceed with falling back into love with my husband and keep from being negative towards the idea of staying with him?
Primarily, you need to focus on your health. Keep health as your top priority.
Now take a break. Things are already falling, you know that and you can't control it, you know that too. Right?
So stop worrying about it.
Think about what you can possibly control. Where you can invest your time to save your relationship and family.
Coming to your husband, I believe, you should not focus on the sex part, rather try to involve yourself in family stuff more. This will be a good break from ''SEX'' and related thoughts.
Your husband sounds like a nice guy. Communicate, discuss with him just like you did before. But this time, come with a solution and abide by it completely.
#You can also opt for a solo vacation.
#Spend time with your friends/ family often.
#Do not let yourself think much about it but try to regain your charm, try to trust your own self. Spend your solo-time and chase your free bird spirit again.
#Do what makes you the happiest.
#Continue the break as long as you want. Keep yourself happy throughout.
I'm sure once you come back to normalcy, you will be in a better frame of mind to take a better decision. And by that time, you would taste the life on both sides, as a married woman or a solo free bird.
This will help you choose the right course of your life.