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Asked by Last Updated:

Am I being too demanding? Or is it too late.

My wife and I have been married for 13 years.
I have been struggling for the last 7 or so years.
I'm retired military and I like to keep my house, my finances, and my family strait.
 I'm not a demanding husband.
But I do expect my wife to be an adult and clean up after herself.
 Show some respect and help out around the house and cook every once in a while.
 Currently, we both work full-time jobs.
 I work split shift nights and she works days.
 I work a few days then I'm off a few days.
I come home in the morning around 6:30 (she is already gone).
 I stay up and take the kids to school and then try and sleep.
Then I'm back up at 230 to go pick the kids up from school while she is napping.
 I clean the house and try and cook dinner before I leave at around 5.
 If I don't clean the house, cook, get groceries, do laundry, or anything else around the house that needs to be done, it doesn't get done.
 We have talked several times over the years about needing help.
 She has suffered from depression and is on meds now.
 I asked her to seek professional help and she agreed that she needed to because she is aware that she isn't doing anything to help but just doesn't really care.
 The last big talk we had was several months ago.
 I keep asking if she has reached out to a mental health professional and she keeps saying "tomorrow" or "Monday I will".
Nothing has changed.
 She makes a mess, I clean it up.
 No food in the house and I'm running on 6 hours of sleep in 3 days, I'll get groceries and cook.
 My question is this, am I being too demanding? I am thinking of suggesting a trial separation in hopes that she can see what it is really like to be an adult on her own.
  Hoping maybe she will see what it is like to live with her.
 Am I out of line? Does this have a chance to work? Or is it too little too late?

3 Answers

Grayskies Answered:

Also if you have to continue cleaning just shove all the stuff she takes out and put it where she lays on the couch. Stop making yourself more miserable by cleaning up after her she should grow up and take care of herself and if she can’t see that then she doesn’t deserve you. Don’t be afraid of telling her how you feel, but you can only express it so many times before you start losing yourself. She may be your wife but you and your kids are your priorities.

Grayskies Answered:

Honestly I’d embarrass her. I’d bring over someone that she looks up to or someone she despises and let them see how she lives if they ask why your house is a mess tell them your exhausted. If the counseling don’t work then it’s time to call it quits. Tell her your leaving and you’ll take the kids since your the one taking care of them anyways. Also start documenting the house and you cleaning just to show how she lives just for proof

Grayskies Answered:

Only you can decide if trial separation is right for you. But you need to find a way to show her all the things you do in a day. She needs to realize a household takes work and if she can’t put in the work then why is she staying? Maybe she has a bigger issue then depression? I knew 2 people that had thyroid problems and anytime they did anything they felt depleated and you could tell they did. Maybe she’s lacking attention and needs to feel alive? Not saying your abandoning her but even just not getting noticed in the world or by coworkers or anything can affect someone eventually.


Replied on Sep 01, 2020

Blood work was the first thing I asked her to have done and everything came back good.
I do show her attention.
I always kiss her when I leave and tell her I love her.
I tell her how beautiful almost daily.
Or at least I used to.
I try and be intimate with her but that is just another problem area.
For the last 4 or 5 years intimacy has become an issue with her.
When we make love it is always enjoyable.
Which is part of the reason why I don't understand why we don't make love more often.
I'm not asking for sex several times a week, but once every few months is ridiculous.
That is one of the reasons I started thinking that maybe it was a hormonal thing.
Now I'm starting to wonder if she has become addicted to her medications and maybe that is what is going on.
I don't know.
I talked with her yesterday and explained how I was feeling and I suggested that maybe we needed to separate for a while and work on us.
She flat out refused and said that she feels better now than she has in years and that there is nothing wrong with her.
She said "I'm sorry that you still don't think I'm GOOD enough for you.
I feel like all you do is come home and be angry.
All the time.
It makes me feel so crappy.
Like I'm not good enough.
I'm sorry that I'm not good enough.
" I told her that the only difference I have seen in the last several months is that she is more active.
But that her priorities are skewed.
Instead of helping out with what needs to be done around the house, she goes on these "project" runs where she just makes a huge mess and leaves it laying around for me to move or pick up.
It feels like she is trying to flip this around on me and say that it is me who is the problem.
And I admit, I have been angry lately.
It does feel like everytime I come home, I get upset with the state of the house.
It's like walking through a house where a bunch of 18 year old boys live.
Everything is nasty, while she sits on the couch or is asleep.
Anyway, I called and made her an appointment with a counselor for later this week.
Now I just hope that she will actually go.
I have also made an appointment for us to see a marriage counselor the day before so we will just have to see how it goes.
It just seems like the more I talk with her about everything, the more I feel like just giving up and trying to start over some how.
I love my wife but how in the world do you know when to call it what it is a lost cause.

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