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Asked by Last Updated:

15 years of marriage... but we've lost each other...and perhaps a spark elsewhere????

So here's the situation: I'm 35 and My husband (42)-- have been married 15 years.
We have 3 children together.
We were both each others' first relationships/sex partners as well.
Things have been REALLY rough lately in regards to communication and just getting along.
Most days we are like disgruntled roommates.
We are just focusing on kids, bills, work, etc.
I have a higher sex drive than he does.
  to put it nicely, I've been sleeping on the couch for the majority of six months.
Sex is MAYBE twice a month, maybe! I even went as far as to stand in the room wearing nothing but a towel once[insert flirty comment] but no dice! I asked if he would consider counseling, he rebuffed the idea due to the cost, time away from work, etc.
But after another LENGTHY argument, he consented to counsel.
(yet to go though).
We just don't seem to enjoy much together anymore.
Truth be told I am finding him somewhat irritating and BORING.
:( I KNOW that it's not right to stay together JUST for the kids and we try to NOT argue in front of them but being school-age they sense the tension in the room.
I do want to add that he is a WONDERFUL FATHER to our kids! It's really ME that seems to be neglected right now.
We never do anything without the kids and he seldom notices new perfume, new outfits, I lost 20 lbs, he barely said anything until I PROMPTED him by commenting on going down a dress size.
Anyone have any advice here? I am just wondering if this is how all relationships end up seeing as he was my first or if it is salvageable.
To complicate things even more a colleague at work has flirted and winked and shown a little interest.
He knows about the doldrums of marriage.
He seems caught in the same boat, he's married for18 years with two kids.
wife is scarcely nodding in his direction etc.
I am NO homewrecker, no cheating has gone on that's not how I roll but we have a definite connection if our situations were different.
I guess I'm wondering if my marriage is fixable and this new fellow has shown me that I'm not totally unattractive if nothing else.

3 Answers

Mrithyunjay Answered:

Dear Blue EyedJo, I understand you are in a terrible situation. Fortunately, your husband seems to have certain appreciable dimensions. It won't take much efforts for a good father to evolve into a good husband! In your case, your husband doesn't seem to be exploiting. His insensitivity towards recognizing your needs and feelings could be easily recovered. Don't lose hope. Just by trying out another relationship you may miss a wonderful father who can be easily transformed back to a wonderful husband. So never lose hope... If he agreed to a counseling,that's fine. But in the field of counseling, you need to select a skilled family therapist. So do proper research. Also, you may require several sessions to help him find out and come out from his internal struggles. Only then his sensitivity and emotional petals will blossom. I don't know how high the counseling charges are in your country. You can try a free consultation session organized by an NGO in India. I am sharing this information because here divorce reversals have happened several times couples who were separated for years and applied divorce have resolved their conflicts through the sessions, withdrew their divorce petitions and started living a harmonious life again... Few important points 1. First get a personal appointment with the therapist before you take your husband to him/her. 2.Because you may get valid inputs to have a better prognosis 3. Keep yourself away from any attractive offers right now 4. Remember considering kids alone cannot be the criteria but at the same time if we don't consider then who will consider about them. Just think about this. 

Marriage-Designer Answered:

Your relationship requires intense couple counseling. You need to understand that when your partner doesn't show interest in participating in working out your relationship problems, it's usually many reasons. There's a big raft of miscommunication and understanding, small things are blown out of proportion and it's always never your fault when you still care and put in effort. Fights and misunderstandings are common in every relationship. You have to sit together for problem solving, put in equal efforts. 

Dallas Answered:

I think you need to point blank ask him if it's time to let the marriage breathe a little. That's a wake up call.There are all sorts of options for couples stuck in the parenting/job tired-of-each-other doldrums for the spouses to find a little affirmation elsewhere while keeping the main event in play. This is the way of the future. Marriage enshrines sexual jealousy as a virtue and when relationships stall, the only answer is to live without passion, for god or tradition. Marriage is an old religious institution. Invent your own version. Worth an exploratory discussion. If you choose counselling, don't let anyone tell you there is something wrong with you, or your husband, or your marriage. The problem is marriage itself. It demands a lock down into monogamy and exhaustion and over-familiarity with each other. A recipe for disaster. It's why divorce and cheating rates and chronic dissatisfaction levels are what they are. We all just need to learn to be adults, not jealous, mature, and stop wanting to own people, especially in phases when you're not even feeling it for the other person. Let them experience a little excitement It's insane.

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