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Asked by Last Updated:

Am I overreacting to an innocent dinner with a female colleague?

My spouse went to a business dinner with a female client and they went drinking until 1 in the morning.
I am so upset and hurt and he thinks I am overreacting.
He says they spoke about business all night and he forgot the time.
He thinks the only thing he did wrong was being a bit late.
A few nights later he came home early on a Friday when he wanted to stay for a few drinks.
He admitted to me that he felt frustrated and forced to come home.
And I think if it was me, knowing how hurt my partner was, I would want to come home and be with them because I care about their feelings.
Am I wrong to expect this? We also haven't had regular sex in a long time and he can't give me an answer as to why.
I have asked him and he just falls silent.
I asked him the other morning and he said he doesn't feel like it.
He was feeling sick but now I feel too scared to ask again.
He says that he loves me but he hasn't shown any remorse about how he made me feel and he says I am focusing too much on him and that I need to be more independent.
We have two small children and I thought we signed up to this together but I am often left at home with them while he goes out for after work drinks.
He is making me feel that there is something wrong with me and that I am too jealous and that I should trust him because he loves me and if I don't trust him then the problem is with me.
He says he doesn't want anyone else - but I feel like I 'm the only one putting effort into the relationship.
What he says and his behavior are not the same.
If I am wrong then I am more than prepared to put the work in to stop the damage but where is his responsibility in all this? I have also recently had breast cancer and had a double mastectomy so I fell very uncertain and insecure about my body.
I feel so disempowered and I just don't know what to believe anymore.
We have been together for 7 years and I really want to get married and I have told him this but he hasn't asked me.
All these things just make me so sad and I don't know if I just don't want to see the truth.
My father cheated on my mother when I was a child and it devastated me.
I don't want to put my children through this horror and I really want this relationship to work.

2 Answers

Victor27 Answered:

First stop and notice your vibe. It is one of powerlessness and negative thinking. He is not "making" you feel anything. We choose our feelings depending on our perception of circumstances. The fact that you might think something is wrong with you and that feels bad, you are right. This feeling is your soul, your Inner Being saying this isn't true. There is nothing wrong with you. You have temporarily lost sight of your worth and value - which, by the way, is not dependent on anyone or anything outside of us. 

Blessidu Answered:

I can definitely understand you being upset when you are home with the kids and your spouse is out having drinks regularly. Does he ever watch the kids so you can go out? If the answer is no it seems like he is being a little insensitive and expecting a bit too much understanding from you. You should have a conversation with him and suggest a way the two of you could relax together after her gets off work instead of him going out without you. As far as him staying out all night with the female client, it is a little disrespectful to you but the fact that your self-esteem is so low from your surgery probably magnifies your insecurities about him possibly cheating. Do you trust him? If the answer is no then it doesn't matter if he's cheating or not, the relationship is over. You probably need to go to counseling to work on your self esteem first and then decide where to go with your relationship.

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