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Asked by Last Updated:

divorce or work it out?

I need your help.
I am married (have been for just over a year).
My husband is great and he treats me fine, but I do hate his friends because they’re just not interesting enough.
And I feel like when I married my husband, he was a lot more interesting (and interested in stuff) than now.
He used to work at the national geographic magazine and was really into science (I’m an ecology major, physics minor).
Nowadays it seems like all he wants to talk about is sports or some other dumb thing.
Now, I recently met a guy (nothing’s happened!) who seems like a perfect match (funny, charming, caring, smart, educated, interesting to talk to [you can talk to him about anything and he’ll listen with interest], interested in stuff and an ecologist like me).
Nothing has happened but I get butterflies every time I see/think of/touch him and this worries me.
I do not want to break up my marriage but then it seems like a better idea to end it now than to keep it going with me feeling this way and eventually having to get divorced after we have kids.
I really don’t know what to do because I used to be very happy with my husband and I don’t know what’s happened to him and I do want to work it out but at the same time I feel like I’m missing out on stuff.
And I really don’t think me and the other guy are going to happen no matter what (I’m trying to not consider him in the decision because I don’t want to leave my husband for another guy if I leave him I want it to be for me, not for someone else).
What do you think?

4 Answers

Phill901 Answered:

I think that you should work out first. Cause divorce is a last resort.

NovemberRain Answered:

I was married for over 19years prior to my divorce. Marriage does change things but people are still the people they where prior. I am sorry you committed to someone that you did not really get to know. I find it to be a horrible thing when you make a committment and then deside that you can't honor it. It sounds like to me that you both should have never got married. Marriage is not a joke it is something serious and something to be respected. Looking at another or having feelings for another, while married, is the reason why marriage is what it is today. If you guys are really having these types of feelings, you need to speak with your other half and let them know everything you have posted here. It is the right thing to do. Unless you are not adult enough to. but if you are adult enough to cheat and spread your legs for another man, you should at least have some kind of honor to try to work it out with the person who has dedicated their lives to you before you started questioning your own self. I know what I am saying is not what you want to hear but you have to think about your actions and how it effects your spose. Just like you would want them to think about their actions that will effect you. Marriage is a give/take situation... Not a take/take... Maybe talk to someone you trust, who has a successful marriage. They may be able to explain somethings to you. It could be best that you get out of the marriage, I don't know. But if there is no abuse or cheating, I can't imagine what could be so bad. And don't think I don't get it. I was married for 19-years. It's hard going to the food store and ordering something because we don't know what we want... even if we have eaten there for years. Then you add another person into it. I get it. but you do not ruin someones life because your fickled... There is ALWAYS going to be someone better out there... Someone with a better body, smarter, better conversation, taller, shorter, better hair, better job, does what you like me... There is always someone better. but you make the choice to be with the one who is worth it... not the one that is better. If your husband is not WORTH anything to you, then leave. but you got to wonder how long the next guy(s) will be worth it to you... or if the worth in yourself is really the thing lacking.


Replied on Aug 28, 2020

It’s actually pretty hard for me to figure out if my husband is “worth it” I guess it depends on what it means to be worth it.
He provides in materialistic ways, he loves me more than I deserve, and he’s very giving.
So if I go by that then sure he’s worth it, but he’s also selfish in non materialistic ways.
I have lived my life according to him, I moved away from family for him (my parents, siblings and extended family), we live super far from my work while only 10 mins away from his, he made me sell my car because he doesn’t think I need a car, he refuses to visit my family because he thinks it’s a waste of vacation time and I quote “I’d rather go on more important places than your family’s” , at the same time he expects me to visit his family .
he even goes on vacation without me because I spend my vacation time visiting my family since I live way too far away from them.
He wasn’t like this before we married, he was sweet and thoughtful, I don’t know what happend.
So if I were to base worth on non Materialistic things then no definitely not worth it.
That’s the underlying problem though, not that I found someone else.
I haven’t been in physical contact with my male friend, not even a hug, not even when everyone is hugging each other.
We have been very respectful, it’s just my feeling for him that’s not very respectful.
So you see there’s more going on in my situation than just having feelings for someone else.
I’m having a hard time talking to my husband about the issues because when I do he wants to know specifics but in the moment I cannot think of anything, I just know that I’m unhappy with EVERYTHING.
We don’t communicate well, we never talk about our many issues, we just ignore it, and when it actually does come up one of us will basically end the conversation.

Dallas Answered:

Marriage changes things. Before it, your being together is a choice, and since you can both walk away more easily, both of you are still, in a sense, in the game. You're dating. You're trying. You're in the world. Marriage locks you down into familiarity, routine, takes all the risk out of life. You get bored. The spouse's failings magnify when you couldn't see them before. Marriage has no plan where things can excitingly GO and CHANGE. Look what Leah says, she loved him BEFORE. After that, marriage usually goes towards kids, mortgages, exhaustion, and more dissatisfaction. The institution needs fixing. You both sound young. Try an open marriage, see if you want each other enough to keep having to earn it. Otherwise, sorry to have to tell you, monogamous marriages in the long term are not about passion. Find passion now while you're young. Clock is ticking.

Leah1234 Answered:

Omg I’m going through the same thing. I’ve been married three years though, no children. Lately my marriage has been stale. He’s also not interested in the stuff im interested in. I also met a guy who is in the same field as me and we have a great friendship. I also don’t want to leave my husband for another guy... I feel like I’d be a terrible person if I did that, and i feel like if I’m going to leave then I’ll leave for me not for anyone else. It has to be for me, any other excuse will cause more drama, atleast that’s how I feel. I know exactly how you feel though, I was Madly in love with my husband for years before we married, I don’t know what happened!! Why did marriage change things? I know that he loves me, he does buy me flowers and tries but I keep having to tell him that I don’t want materialistic things, I want attention and intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. I’m just not getting what I need from him.

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