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Asked by Last Updated:

Is my 26 year marriage over?

I'm trying to work through rebuilding trust and intimacy in my marriage.
  My spouse lied to me for three years that he was smoking cigarettes.
  Maybe that doesn't seem huge to some, but I am anti-cigarettes for several reason.
  Not to mention that he has health issues that nicotine aggravates and makes worse.
  Health conditions that I have been fretting over for the last few years, as he's doing thing that clearly were not helping the situation.
     He travels 250+ days per year overseas for several weeks at a time.
  So, we are often 7 - 10 time zones apart.
  Now, whenever he leaves my mind just spirals out of control.
  When I can't reach him on the phone, or if he doesn't respond to a text for several hours, my mind and heart just sink.
  The worry turns to irritation, and as the hours pass ultimately becomes anger.
   When I do finally hear from him I get "I was out to dinner".
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for six hours??? Really???   All I can think is "What else don't I know", "What else have I not caught him doing".
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He "confessed" but only after I caught him out back behind the house smoking, because he thought I was busy making breakfast.
  I've asked him "How could you do this to us, to our marriage?"  But he keeps telling me that this wasn't about me, or our marriage.
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he didn't do anything to us, this was about him and that it is his life, his body, his choice.
     He even accused me of not being supportive of the fact that he has an extrermely stressful job.
  All I can say is, his job stresses me out.
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it is govt classified work.
  I change my sleep schedule to match his in an attempt to not allow his job/schedule to drive a wedge in our marriage.
  I've done this for over a decade.
  I take care of everything at the house, yard, vehicles, doctor appts, etc.
    He's telling me that I'm being paranoid, and blowing all of it out of proportion.
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  Is it over?  After 26 years, is it over?  

1 Answers

Alice Answered:

I do not think this is a reason to throw 26 years of marriage down the drain, but I can completely understand why the shock of this has left you feeling so betrayed. It doesn't feel good to be lied to, even about something like a bad habit.
I would try and have a calm, honest discussion with your husband about your trust issues and see if he can put your mind at ease about the time he spends away.
There's a great article all about the top things you need to do to rebuild trust in a relationship . The article is written by a licensed professional counselor and has a lot of great tips!

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