Survive and Thrive in Marriage- Funny Advice for the Bride
So, you’re getting ready to walk down the aisle, graceful and ethereal being, a committed wife to be, and an adored by your husband forever and ever. All brides made this mistake. What will really happen differs entirely from what you’re imagining right now. But that doesn’t mean it will be bad. Especially if you take a few pieces of advice on how to survive and thrive in marriage. And, possibly, your husband.
Advice1: Eternal love (Read: Sexual attraction)
When you look at yourself in the mirror as you’re getting ready to say your I do, what you’ll see is an amazingly beautiful woman who is about to surrender all of her gorgeousness to one man to cherish. And they both somehow imagine the wife will always be as exquisite as the bride. She won’t. Brides are mythical creatures appearing publicly only once in their lifetime, after days and hours of preparation.
So, a few days later you will be back to your normal self. A few years later, you will be wearing granny underwear, be covered in baby food, haircut… well, let’s say there’s a way to cut your own hair, but it doesn’t look pretty. And you will religiously go visit your old wardrobe when everyone goes to sleep, just to be reminded of who you once were.
Under those circumstances, you cannot be angry at your now husband for being amazed by the transformation. And although he promised he would love you forever, no one mentioned being as attracted to you as when you wore thongs on your honeymoon trip. And don’t blame him for that, he’s only a man, after all.
Instead, either get him a mistress (better if you choose her) or make yourself his mistress. What we mean is – if you don’t have the time and the nerves to get all dressed up and reinvigorate your sex life, then just find him someone who will. And don’t worry – men don’t really want to fall in love with their mistresses. They just want something new to experience. So, if you’re the best wife in the world who gets it for him, his love is yours eternally. And you get some extra you-time as well. Let’s face it – by now you really need it.
Advice 2: Chores
Never expect your husband to do anything. And contrary to what the magazines are trying to convince you – he won’t. Whatever communication strategy you try, he will never ever become a considerate nice little husband who goes about cleaning your home. If he does, you might have another problem and you can forget about the advice set 1.
Now, there are ways to make your life easier. It’s the same as with the kids. You need to make it look like a game. First of all, forget about the “housewify” things. Settle for getting him to hang the shelf on the wall every now and then. Sometimes you will need to buy him a new set of hammers (why the heck there are more than one hammers?), or make it a competition, all the while keeping him motivated and cheering him up.
Yes, there’s a lot more work to make your husband hang the shelf or change the lightbulb in the basement than do the darn things yourself. So, what every new bride should really get as a present at her wedding day is a thorough guide (with pictures) on housework, instead of those crystal glasses. Don’t forget to add that to your wedding present registry, while we’re at it.
Advice 3: Finances and possessions
Ugh, this is a tricky one. But let’s cut to the chase. A man should earn more than the woman with whom he shares his life. No now, don’t get all fired up in a feminist’s rant. Think practically – you both profit out of it. A man gets his satisfaction out of being the breadwinner, and you get to spend less time working and more time doing whatever you find interesting.
Now, when it comes to possessions, real estate and all that, you might try to find a way to make it all in your name. If there’s a way. Just to be sure. But when it comes to money, let him earn as much as he can. And no one says you should give up your feminism. No no, you can still have it. But keep it for yourself. After all, what is more, feminist than being better off than a man?
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
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