Ah, marriage. Has there ever been a union with more ups and downs than that of walking down the aisle and promising to love one another ‘til death do you part? There are certainly more benefits and rewards to marrying your best friend than there are downsides, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t some hilarious challenges that come along with marriage.
Weddings. The spelling of this word says it all: “WE” comes before I. Ready for things to get relatable? Here are 7 pieces of funny advice for newlyweds on marriage.
1. Put the toilet seat down
Throughout the ages, there has never been a better argument than that of putting the toilet seat down. Couples from now until the end of time will forever be flipping the seat up, down, and leaving passive aggressive notes in the restroom arguing over who has to lift and who has to put it back down.
One 2012 study found that after flushing with the lid up, a faeces-borne bacterium can spray up in what is called a toilet plume aerosol. This disease-causing bacterium can settle onto countertops, face soap, and even your toothbrush. Gross! Husbands, do your wives a favor and just put the seat back down. Not only will this save your partner from falling into the bowl, it also saves your toothbrush from a lot of heartaches.
2. You’ll be late for everything – forever
This funny advice for newlyweds on marriage describes your new timekeeping abilities now that you are married. From now until death does you part, you and your spouse will forever be late to family dinners, meetings, and other social functions outside the home.
In marriage, a husband’s “I’ll be home in five minutes!” is eerily similar to a wife’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes!” motto. Now that you’re married, be prepared to be perpetually late for everything.
3. You’re not mind-readers
Your spouse may be excellent at sensing your tone, reading between the lines, and watching your body language, but science has still not invented a way for them to read your mind – so stop acting like they can!
If something is bothering you, tell your spouse. Communication is key to a happy marriage. Holding back your thoughts and feelings or simply waiting for your partner to figure out that there’s a problem will only lead to frustration and resentment. Build a healthy marriage by keeping the doors of communication open and talking to your spouse when you have something on your mind.
4. Sometimes, it’s okay to lie
Honesty is key to a happy, healthy marriage. When partners are consistently honest with each other they help build trust and accountability. However, one study done by the University of Massachusetts at Amherst found that 60% of people couldn’t go 10 minutes without lying.
While this sad statistic doesn’t give you license to lie to your partner every 10 minutes, there may be certain circumstances where it’s better to pull out a little white lie than tell the cruel but honest truth.
For example, for any question your spouse asks that involves sex with your ex, such as “Were they bigger/better/more adventurous/attractive” the correct answer (even when untrue) is always no!
One such area where little white lies are acceptable is the subject of weight. If your spouse asks if their weight gain makes you feel less attracted to them, find a complementary way of telling them how sexy you find them, even if you’re not crazy about any change in appearance that’s occurred lately.
Telling your partner that you dislike their sibling or friends can also be dangerous territory.
Always remember there is a difference between telling a little white lie and being deceitful. For the sake of your marriage, tell her she looks great in those jeans!
5. You just married an excellent scapegoat
Not all funny advice for newlyweds on marriage focuses on the bad. There are many benefits to getting married to your special someone. A lifetime of partnership, someone to hang out with at all times, and more importantly, someone to blame when you don’t want to do things.
Not up for going to that party, loaning your friend money, or babysit for your cousin? Blame your spouse! That’s right, on top of marrying your best friend, you’ve also earned a permanent scapegoat for getting out of situations.
Of course, you should not use your partner as an excuse every time you don’t feel like doing something, otherwise your friends and family may start to think your spouse is a controlling buzzkill. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.
6. Manners? What manners?
Your bodily functions and general hygiene-maintenance are now “public” knowledge. Say hello to knowing when your spouse poops, hearing them pass gas, and realizing they are now peeing with the door open.
Gone are the days where you used to sneak out of bed to brush your teeth and apply deodorant so that your spouse can think you naturally woke up smelling fresh as a daisy. No longer will your wife have legs that are “naturally hairless” or a husband who’s gelled and spritzed with cologne.
Every couple is different and some refuse to pass gas in front of one another even after 50 years of marriage, but one thing is for sure: when you get married, you see a lot of things you would never have known about while you were dating.
7. She’s always right
Couples should communicate about their problems and fight fair to maintain a healthy, happy marriage based on love and partnership – just so long as everything is done with a slight spin that your wife is always right. As the old adage goes: Do you want to happy or do you want to be right?
When it comes to marriage, there are some hilarious life-lessons to be learned. You will always be late to events, the placement of the toilet seat will be the subject of much debate, and sometimes a little white lie is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Pass on these truths and other funny marriage advice for newlyweds to your favorite new couple.