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Self-soothing, or “emotion regulation,” is the practice of calming the body and mind in the face of conflict and refocusing one’s energy so that a couple can resume effective communication and repair conflict.<\/span><\/p>\n Married for ten years, Caroline and Ethan (fictitious names) often disagree about money in relationships, and their arguments are more intense than their fights about other topics. <\/span><\/p>\n In fact, <\/span>research studies<\/span><\/a> suggest that financial conflicts may be a stronger predictor of divorce than other issues.<\/p><\/div><\/span><\/p>\n When Caroline, 38, and Ethan, 40, sat on the couch in my office to discuss why they wanted to attend couples counseling, they both seemed distressed about their money-related disagreements that often escalated into a full-blown argument, leading to one money problem in their relationship to another.<\/span><\/p>\n Caroline explains, “Whenever we try to discuss finances, Ethan often yells and then walks away when he feels anxious about a question I ask him. <\/span><\/p>\n Often, he becomes defensive when I question him about a purchase he makes. Last month, he bought a new motorcycle without checking with me and even financed it through the bank we use.”<\/span><\/p>\n Caroline admits she’s responsible for some of their arguments about money because she’s a saver and keeps Ethan on a tight leash, not giving him much freedom to purchase non-essentials<\/b>.<\/span><\/p>\n Caroline put it like this, “Ethan is a good husband and father to our two kids, but he doesn’t have a sense of what goes in and out of our checking and savings accounts. This puts me in a position of being a default money manager. <\/span><\/p>\n Ethan complains that I nag him about our finances, causing financial problems in our relationship. Still, I don’t feel like I have a choice because he charges things on his credit card that he can’t pay off.”<\/span><\/p>\n Caroline has a “money vigilance script,” which means she’s frugal and believes that you need to work hard to earn money. <\/span><\/p>\n A <\/span>study<\/span><\/a> identified four distinct money belief patterns in 422 individuals. Three of these belief systems were significantly correlated with income and net worth. The results are useful for practitioners to identify harmful money beliefs in clients that impact their financial health.<\/p><\/div><\/span><\/p>\n In fact, she grew up in a single-parent family where money was tight. Her mother used to say, “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” <\/span>These values cause Caroline to adopt a scarcity mindset, where there isn’t enough money to go around<\/b>.<\/span><\/p>\n On the other hand, Ethan grew up in a two-parent home where money flowed, and they had an abundance mindset. <\/span><\/p>\n As a result of growing up in an affluent family, Ethan is a spender with a “money status” script, which means he defines his self-worth by his net worth<\/b>. He buys the best or most expensive products (and overspends) to project affluence to others.<\/span><\/p>\n In their <\/span>book<\/span><\/a> Mind Over Money, Brad Klontz and Ted Klontz explain that “Money Scripts” are core beliefs derived from financial flashbacks—from early life events associated with money. <\/span>Knowing your different backgrounds and mindsets about money can help you be more compassionate <\/b>and deal with<\/span> money problems in relationships. <\/span><\/p>\n However, you might still need emotion regulation skills to help you listen better to your partner and stay calm during conversations about money-related topics.<\/span><\/p>\n Without mindfulness and a tool kit that includes strategies for emotion regulation, a spat about finances between you and your partner can escalate, spiraling from a minor disagreement into a full-blown fight<\/b>.<\/span><\/p>\n While some couples have skills to self-soothe when it comes to money problems in relationships, many don’t use them during conflict discussions about finances, and they experience dysregulation. <\/span><\/p>\n According to therapist <\/span>Rachel Burgreen<\/span><\/a>, LCSW, “When we are dysregulated, our emotional intensity has increased, and we are having difficulty bringing emotions back down to a moderate level. When this happens, we cannot effectively hear our partner, misinterpretations rise, and our ability to communicate effectively goes out the window.”<\/span><\/p>\n In my clinical practice, I ask couples to do a body scan, which means they pause during our session and take stock of whether their heart rate seems to be accelerating.<\/span><\/p>\n The good news is that you and your partner can develop the habit of pausing and doing a body scan before and during conflict discussions about money problems in relationships or other sensitive topics. <\/span><\/p>\n During a body scan, you’ll scan from your head to your toes to notice how your body feels. <\/span>Signals like a fast heartbeat, muscle tension, clenched jaw, etc., are common when you’re emotionally dysregulated<\/b>.<\/span><\/p>\n In addition to a body scan, a host of techniques can help you refocus your attention away from conflict about money problems in relationships and create a soothing environment where emotion regulation can lead to <\/span>conflict resolution<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n
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