{"id":86854,"date":"2023-06-18T10:16:33","date_gmt":"2023-06-18T10:16:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=86854"},"modified":"2025-05-07T05:35:54","modified_gmt":"2025-05-07T05:35:54","slug":"neurodivergent-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/mental-health\/neurodivergent-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Tips to Resolve Conflict in Neurodivergent Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\"Happy<\/p>\n

Human nature is complex. This can make relationships both beautiful and challenging. No two brains are the same, and <\/span>we’re finally starting to appreciate the range of that difference, especially when it comes to neurodivergent relationships.<\/b> A little bit of knowledge goes a long way in making those relationships successful. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Understanding neurodivergent relationships<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

15 to 20% of the population experience some form of neurodivergence, according to the National Cancer Institute’s article on <\/span>neurodiversity<\/span><\/a>. Moreover, nearly 60% of Americans don’t understand what it is, according to <\/span>PR Newswire’s study on neurodiversity<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

First, let’s define neurodivergent couples. Those relationships are when one or both partners are considered to not be in the typical range of brain activity. <\/span>This non-medical term describes people who process information differently from the majority of people. <\/b><\/p>\n

Although, of course, all our brains are different, with neurodivergent relationships, there are more differences. Nevertheless, <\/span>differences aren’t a bad thing, and understanding them builds a deeper relationship. <\/b><\/p>\n

As the Stimpunks Foundation for neurodivergent and disabled people further explains in their article on<\/span> neurodivergent<\/span><\/a>, <\/span>this term covers everything from autism and epilepsy to ADHD, OCD, and more.  <\/b><\/p>\n

The key takeaway is that these terms aren’t about excluding people in neurodivergent relationships. On the contrary, <\/span>the aim is to be more inclusive by understanding more specifically how each of us is different.  <\/b><\/p>\n

We can then tailor our language and assumptions to create neurodivergent intimacy and deeper love. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>5 ways neurodivergent relationships struggle <\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

It’s hard to see other people’s perspectives regardless of where you are on the typical spectrum. Dealing with neurodivergence adds another layer of complexity because <\/span>we live in a world dominated by a specific definition of what normal means. <\/b><\/p>\n

We could all do with greater understanding and compassion for each other’s differences. <\/span><\/p>\n

1. Varying needs <\/b><\/h3>\n

One of the main causes of conflict is the various ways neurodivergent people interact with the world. So, on the one hand, someone with ADHD might look vacant if the other person is talking for too long. This can make the speaker feel unheard and unvalued. <\/span><\/p>\n

Nevertheless, ADHD and relationships can go very well together. <\/span>Both partners simply need to understand what each person needs. <\/b><\/p>\n

As this guide on ADHD and relationships <\/span>further explains<\/span><\/a>, one might need some validation, while the ADHD person might need more space. It all starts with understanding and communication. <\/span><\/p>\n

2. Assumptions work differently <\/b><\/h3>\n

Some neurodivergent couples might have one of them who is autistic as another example. In that case, the other partner might assume that everyone feels and talks about emotions as they do. <\/span><\/p>\n

It can be hard to accept that autistic people struggle to <\/span> express emotions<\/span><\/a>, especially if they need <\/span>emotional connection<\/span><\/a>. That doesn’t mean that autistic people don’t feel emotions. In fact, they can often hold onto them deep down for days. <\/span><\/p>\n

So, don’t assume we all handle and manage emotions in the same way.<\/b><\/p>\n

According to <\/span>Grady Shumway<\/span><\/a>, LMHC:<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead, take time to learn your partner’s unique emotional language and processing style. Mutual curiosity and patience can help bridge these differences and promote deeper understanding.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

3. Contrasting perspectives <\/b><\/h3>\n

Autism in relationships also means appreciating different viewpoints and ways of coming to a conclusion. Moreover, they tend to be highly attuned to sensory input, which means they can go into a meltdown with sensory overload. <\/span><\/p>\n

As this <\/span>article on autistic people and logical thinking<\/span><\/a> further explains, <\/span>autistic people tend to think with a bottom-up approach. This contrasts with many people who use a top-down style. <\/b><\/p>\n

In short, autistic people tend to look at the details and work their way up, whereas others usually prefer to consider concepts and context before drawing conclusions. This can cause havoc in neurodivergent relationships when partners don’t know this difference in thinking. <\/span><\/p>\n

4. Non-verbal cues<\/b><\/h3>\n

People in a neurodivergent marriage have to learn how they both communicate, including the non-verbal cues that can often cause the most distress. <\/span><\/p>\n

As well as processing sensory information differently, many neurodivergent people also struggle to read non-verbal cues. <\/span>That means that communication has to be very clear with no subtext or mind-reading assumptions. <\/b><\/p>\n

5. Communication styles <\/b><\/h3>\n

When it comes to communication and neurodivergent intimacy,<\/span> there is a range of styles<\/b>. Some prefer to avoid eye contact, while others need direct statements.<\/span><\/p>\n

Others might get offended by an overly honest way of speaking and prefer to hear social pleasantries. Some people find that virtually impossible to do and, actually, very pointless. <\/span><\/p>\n

Again, there is no right or wrong, but the conflict comes from not appreciating the differences. <\/b><\/p>\n

RELATED READING : <\/span>Communication Styles and Maintenance in Relationships<\/a><\/span><\/div><\/div>\n

<\/span>5 tips for reconciling conflict in neurodivergent relationships <\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

As you start learning the differences in how neurodivergent people think and behave, you can follow these guidelines to ease the process. <\/span><\/p>\n

\"Black<\/p>\n

1. Explore boundaries and needs <\/b><\/h3>\n

The best starting point for people in neurodivergent relationships is to write down and share with each other all the things they struggle with. <\/b>This could include sensory overload, difficulty with focus, or even what causes them to shut down. <\/span><\/p>\n

Do your research for your particular condition and then be honest with each other. The more you open up together, the more likely you can <\/span>build understanding<\/span><\/a>. Furthermore, you’ll be able to work out ways to support each other’s struggles.<\/span><\/p>\n

Grady Shumway highlights that:<\/p>\n

This kind of open communication lays the groundwork for empathy and mutual respect. It also helps prevent misunderstandings and builds a stronger, more adaptive partnership.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

2. Practice clear communication <\/b><\/h3>\n

Neurodivergent communication is about making sure you speak clearly while stating your assumptions. It’s also important to include all forms of communication. So, <\/span>some people prefer writing or even drawing to express themselves. <\/b><\/p>\n

Another point is to watch the time of day and each other’s energy levels. If sensory overload is an issue, neurodivergent people can become overwhelmed towards the end of the day, which is not a good time to have deep conversations. <\/span><\/p>\n

Similarly, <\/span>with neurodivergent dating, be clear about your boundaries and what spaces you’re comfortable with.<\/b> For some couples, that might mean delaying sex until there is a deep level of trust because of the potential for sensory overload. <\/span><\/p>\n

3. Take your time<\/b><\/h3>\n

The most important point in neurodivergent relationships is to remember the time-out concept.<\/b> This is especially true when <\/span>dealing with autism in relationships<\/span><\/a> because of the potential for information overload. <\/span><\/p>\n

Regardless, other neurodivergent people also often need time to process information. They might also be reaching their meltdown point, so it’s important for both partners to watch out for those. <\/span><\/p>\n

4. Investigate sensory differences<\/b><\/h3>\n

We’ve mentioned sensory overload a few times, but when it comes to neurodivergent love, sensory differences also need to be understood. For instance, some people don’t like being touched, but others need to be touched. <\/span><\/p>\n

As this <\/span>Steampunk Foundation article <\/span><\/a>on the 5 Neurodivergent Love Locutions explains, <\/span>there are different ways for neurodivergent people to express their love. <\/b><\/p>\n

In summary, these are info dumping, talking about their partner passionately, parallel play, or simply being together; support swapping or helping each other with tasks; deep pressure or a tight hug; and penguin pebbling or giving small gifts.<\/span> <\/b><\/p>\n

5. Reach out to professional guidance <\/b><\/h3>\n

Just like any marriage, a neurodivergent marriage might need to reach out to couples therapy for help and guidance. <\/span>We still live in a world that is dominated by “normal” rules that don’t teach us the tools we need, in this case. <\/b><\/p>\n

Watch this video by actor Alan Alda who talks on Big Think about the top 3 rules for clear communication: <\/span><\/p>\n