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Lots of conventional wisdom about marriage is simply untrue. There are several lies about good marriages or ‘marriage myths’ that our elders try to advocate and expect us to believe. Well, some of these may be true for some marriages, but this would not be a <\/span>relationship<\/span><\/a> you’d want to be in!<\/span><\/p>\n Here are some commonly-believed<\/span> lies or myths about good marriages<\/span><\/a> and how you can change your reality if any of these happen to apply to you.<\/span><\/p>\n It seems so obvious, doesn’t it? Excellent <\/span>communication<\/span><\/a> must be central to a healthy relationship. That’s how couples resolve their differences. That’s how you work as a team.<\/span><\/p>\n There’s just one problem. It isn’t true. Says who? Science!<\/span><\/p>\n Researcher John Gottman studied couples across multiple decades. He has analyzed videos of them arguing with each other. He has “coded” all of their communications. He tracked how their marriage worked out after 5, 10, and 15 years.<\/span><\/p>\n He crunched the numbers and discovered something fascinating. Good communication isn’t a critical element in most marriages.<\/span><\/p>\n The research pointed to seven keys to a good marriage, but none were “communicate better”:<\/span><\/p>\n In fairness, bad communication (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) was cited as an indicator that a relationship was doomed.<\/span><\/p>\n The research showed, though, that having the seven above elements could overcome bad communication, and good communication would not fix a marriage that was lacking most of these elements. So, good communication isn’t the irrefutable key to good marriages.<\/span><\/p>\n There’s a word for people who threaten to make everyone else suffer if they don’t get their way. They’re called dictators.<\/span><\/p>\n The truth about marriage is that, somebody is going to be unhappy from time to time. That’s normal. They will get over it. If “momma” threatens to blow up (emotionally) the entire house every time she’s upset, it will slowly tear the <\/span>family<\/span><\/a> apart. (This isn’t gender specific; it applies equally well to “poppa.”)<\/span><\/p>\n It isn’t easy to cast off the resentment, anger, disappointment, and frustration that life’s problems throw our way, but that’s part of what it means to be a grown-up. But, in an emotionally healthy family, the adults have the ability to calm themselves down and deal with the problems in marriages.<\/span><\/p>\n Dispelling these powerful emotions in a constructive way, through meditation, exercise, hobbies, sports, or connecting with friends, is the first step. <\/span><\/p>\n Don’t just numb them with TV, video games, drinking, or drugs. Numbed and unresolved emotions just add to the explosives that will eventually blow up.<\/span><\/p>\n Once we have calmed ourselves down, we can talk to our partner, and try to resolve the issue. (Or not. See the following sections.)<\/span><\/p>\n So, what should you do if you are in an emotionally unfulfilling marriage and your partner is the emotional terrorist?<\/span><\/p>\n You have to combat their emotional reaction with a calm, reasonable approach. This script works in most cases: “I can tell how upset you are. I want to help work through this with you. Take a little while to calm down and think through the issue, and then we’ll talk about it.”<\/span><\/p>\n If the emotional outbursts continue, you can just repeat over and over, “We are not going to make any progress while one of us is upset. Take a little while to calm down and think through the issue, and then we’ll talk about it.”<\/span><\/p>\n Ultimately, if you are aiming for a good marriage, the best way to combat the “momma” routine is not to let yourself become unhappy just because momma is.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>1. Communication is the key to a good marriage<\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\n<\/span>2. When momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy<\/span><\/h2>\n