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“We do not attract what we want, but what we are”. Philosophical British writer James Allen inspired many with this quote to keep working on life’s lessons. We continue in “mental inharmony” and deep discontent if we don’t. <\/span><\/p>\n Why can’t I find love isn’t about them; it starts with you. This article will address all the various aspects of being unable to find love.<\/span><\/p>\n Psychologists, philosophers, poets, artists, scientists, sociologists, and just about everybody has tried to define what <\/span>finding love<\/span><\/a> across the centuries means.<\/span> Is it an emotion, a process, an experience or simply chemicals in the brain? <\/b><\/p>\n Your answer depends on your viewpoint, although, interestingly, with phenomena like speed dating, scientists are gathering more data than ever before. Today, those scientists are split into two groups, as explained in this Science and Health article on the <\/span>Science and Mystery of Love<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n The first group believes that love follows a pattern so that people can, in a sense, stick to a process and find love. The other group states that love is unpredictable, which means that two seemingly incompatible people can build love together. <\/span><\/p>\n As psychologists and coaches will tell you, the answer is somewhere between order and chaos, as the article confirms<\/b>. This is good news for those wondering, “will I ever find love” because it means that you can set some goals while also learning <\/span>healthy relationship<\/span><\/a> habits. <\/span><\/p>\n It isn’t about asking the question, “why can’t I find love” but “what am I changing about myself and my routine to attract the right person.” <\/span><\/p>\n “Never” is a big word; as we know from the constant uncertainty around us, everything changes, including us. The following points are a few signs you will never find love but clues that you need to change something. <\/span><\/p>\n Are you plagued by thoughts of “why can’t I find someone”? Most people crave the intimacy and support you get from <\/span>romantic relationships<\/span><\/a>. Nevertheless, you could be sabotaging your happiness with your fear. <\/span><\/p>\n Fear of rejection can be linked to anxiety and depression. It can also go back to childhood trauma. <\/b>Perhaps one of your caregivers died or moved out post-divorce? <\/span><\/p>\n For some, it could also be the aftermath of growing up in boarding school. While still in the minority, as a therapist’s article on <\/span>boarding school syndrome<\/span><\/a> explains, it has very real consequences for adult life. <\/span><\/p>\n Another aspect of fear which could lead you to thoughts of “why can’t I find love” is linked to commitment. <\/span>Contrary to rejection, commitment can feel suffocating to many.<\/b><\/p>\n Author Steven Carter made an interesting discovery about the fear of commitment detailed in his book, “<\/span>Men Who Can’t Love<\/span><\/a> .”In short, during a project on phobias with psychiatrist Harold Levinson, it came to light that the fear of commitment is potentially a phobia. <\/span><\/p>\n If this sounds like you, you’ll need to work through where your fear comes from and learn emotional management techniques. <\/span><\/p>\n On the other hand, <\/span>if you constantly seem to end up with commitment-phobes, you’ll need to observe your relationship patterns with strong boundaries and clear expectations. <\/b><\/p>\n Many anxious and <\/span>avoidant-attached<\/span><\/a> types find themselves with the phrase “why can’t I be loved” going around their heads like a bad record. <\/span>On the one hand, they’re too needy but on the other, too distant for anyone to get close to them. <\/b><\/p>\n Psychiatrists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth developed their attachment theory in 1991, as this<\/span> overview of the theory’s origins<\/span><\/a> explains. Essentially, how we relate to our caregivers impacts our relationships as adults because we hold onto the same behaviors from childhood.<\/span><\/p>\n The aim for anyone looking for stable and grounded relationships is to first find balance within, often with a therapist. You can then learn how to meet your needs without over-relying on other people or, as in the avoidant, to open up safely to others.<\/span><\/p>\n How to find love doesn’t have to be some ethereal quest. Sometimes it’s just about getting out there and letting go of your fear of being yourself. <\/span>It takes courage to reveal our flaws but the more vulnerable you are, the more likely you’ll connect with people on a deeper level. <\/b><\/p>\n People who sit with the question, “why can’t I be loved” often struggle to connect with emotions. We like to think we’re logical people, but no amount of pushing away emotions will make them disappear. <\/span><\/p>\n Moreover, being emotionally distant creates an invisible wall around you that puts most potential suitors off.<\/b> It’s a typical reason for asking yourself, “why can’t I find love.” <\/span><\/p>\n If you can’t find love, could you be being unrealistic? It’s easy to convince ourselves that Hollywood love exists or that there’s one soul mate for you. Nevertheless, don’t be swayed by such fantasies. <\/span><\/p>\n Real life is painful. Nevertheless, the more we let go of the expectation that everything will be perfect, the more we can appreciate what’s around us. <\/b><\/p>\n In many ways, finding love is about first loving yourself. After all, if you can’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? <\/span><\/p>\n Similarly, <\/span>we treat others how we treat ourselves.<\/b> So, if you’re constantly hard on yourself while believing you’re no good, you’ll inadvertently send the same dynamic to others. <\/span><\/p>\n Furthermore, as this <\/span>study on self-esteem and perception<\/span><\/a> shows, the more you believe in yourself, the more likely you’ll have satisfying relationships. <\/span><\/p>\n Boosting <\/span>self-esteem<\/span><\/a> isn’t as impossible as it might seem. Have a go at the <\/span>triple column technique <\/span><\/a>developed by psychiatrist David D. Burns if you want a tried and tested process.<\/span><\/p>\n You can also view this video on four small habits to improve self-esteem:<\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>What is love?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>15 reasons why you can’t find love<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\n1. Fear of rejection <\/b><\/h3>\n
Related Reading<\/i><\/b>: <\/span><\/i>How to Overcome Fear of Rejection in Any Aspect of Life<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n2. Fear of commitment <\/b><\/h3>\n
3. Attachment style <\/b><\/h3>\n
Related Reading<\/i><\/b>: <\/span><\/i>4 Types of Attachment Styles and What They Mean<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n4. Fear of letting go<\/b><\/h3>\n
5. Emotional walls <\/b><\/h3>\n
Related Reading<\/i><\/b>: <\/span><\/i>10 Signs You May Have Hit An Emotional Wall and What to Do<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n6. Excessive expectations<\/b><\/h3>\n
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<\/p>\n7. Low self-esteem<\/b><\/h3>\n