{"id":82266,"date":"2023-01-17T10:54:15","date_gmt":"2023-01-17T10:54:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=82266"},"modified":"2023-09-22T14:06:38","modified_gmt":"2023-09-22T14:06:38","slug":"what-lies-do-to-a-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/what-lies-do-to-a-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"What Lies Do to a Marriage? 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\"Couple<\/p>\n

“Lies are like cockroaches; for everyone you discover, there are many more that are hidden.” Author Gary Hopkins perfectly illustrates the hideousness of lies and how they scurry away into every crevice of your mind. In essence, <\/span>what lies do to marriage goes much deeper than you imagine.<\/b><\/p>\n

<\/span>What dishonesty does to a marriage<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

First, everyone lies. That includes you and me. <\/b><\/p>\n

As a psychiatrist explains in her article “<\/span>Why People Lie<\/span><\/a>,” this habit starts at around the age of 4 or 5. For instance, most of us ignore so-called ‘white lies’ because it feels right to spare someone’s feelings.<\/span><\/p>\n

White lies are still lies. <\/span><\/p>\n

So, <\/span>when does lying become a problem? At the extreme end of the scale, you have sociopaths<\/b>. Then you also have liars who get some immediate benefit, such as getting that job they’re not fully qualified for. Or landing the perfect spouse. <\/span><\/p>\n

Eventually, lies catch up with you in a marriage. You might have had a creeping suspicion for a while, but now you’re sure: “My husband\/wife lied to me.” At this point, you’ll start noticing what lies do to a marriage. <\/span><\/p>\n

Interestingly, as psychologist Robert Feldman explains in his book “<\/span>The Liar in Your Life<\/span><\/a>,” <\/span>his research shows that most of the time, we don’t want to see lies.<\/b> This partly explains why lies are in your everyday life. <\/span><\/p>\n

After all, who doesn’t enjoy the odd white lie about how fabulous we are even when we know we haven’t slept?<\/b><\/p>\n

If you’ve woken up to the stark realization “my whole marriage was a lie,” perhaps you can ask yourself how long ago you noticed in your gut but didn’t want to admit it to yourself. <\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, this doesn’t make it easier to accept that you’re married to a liar, but it does help you understand how we all encourage lies in our relationships in different ways. You can then start seeing the depth of what lies do to a marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n

Not only do they cause you unbearable pain, but they create such an illusion that even the liars lose a sense of what’s true anymore. <\/b><\/p>\n

<\/span>5 ways deception dismantles a marriage <\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

\"Young<\/p>\n

What lies do to a marriage depends on the severity of the lie and the impact of the betrayal it causes. A<\/span>lthough, it was Darwin who noticed that all animals lie, including us. <\/b><\/p>\n

This article describing how Darwin first noticed that <\/span>animals are deceitful<\/span><\/a> gives you some clues as to how humans also do it. Flashy cars can be compared to displays of strength, and smart clothes to bright plumage. <\/span><\/p>\n

Then again, <\/span>are those lies or just innocent embellishments of the truth?<\/b> Bear this in mind as you review the next 5 points and consider where you draw the line. Most importantly, does your spouse agree? <\/span><\/p>\n

1. The pain of mistrust <\/b><\/h3>\n

Wherever you draw the line, a <\/span>lying husband\/wife <\/span><\/a>breaks your trust. <\/span>When the betrayal is so grave that you feel emotionally and even physically violated in your relationship, the level of pain can even lead to a breakup. <\/b><\/p>\n

What lies do to a marriage is the same as taking a sledgehammer to the foundations of your house. Your relationship will weaken and eventually crumble.  <\/span><\/p>\n

Related Reading<\/i><\/b>: <\/span><\/i>15 Reasons for Lack of Trust in a Relationship<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
2. Blocks connection<\/b><\/h3>\n
A marriage of lies puts you on edge<\/b>. You’re constantly walking on eggshells whilst being on the defensive as you work out what you can believe. <\/span><\/p>\n
In short, <\/span>what lies do to a marriage is about creating a wall. <\/b>After all, you now need this filter to protect yourself from lies. This only <\/span>destroys intimacy<\/span><\/a> and any hope of a deep connection. <\/span><\/p>\n
3. Lack of belief in life <\/b><\/h3>\n
When you find yourself thinking the phrase, “My husband\/wife lied to me,” you might also start giving up on life. This happens because, for many, a core belief in life is that they can trust and believe in their marriage. <\/span><\/p>\n
If that belief is shattered, <\/span>they find themselves not only lost but also not sure what to believe in<\/b>. What aren’t other fundamental things about life true anymore? <\/span>It can be truly terrifying, such that it triggers depression or worse. <\/b><\/p>\n
4. Loss of self and resentment. <\/b><\/h3>\n
There are a few core things that destroy a marriage, as a counselor describes in her article on the <\/span>Four Habits that Destroy Marriages<\/span><\/a>. The number one point is lying in a marriage. <\/span><\/p>\n
What lies do to a marriage doesn’t just stop at not talking about our feelings. It also includes hiding the bad things about ourselves. <\/b><\/p>\n
Then, the more we cover up and create lies to make up for our weaknesses, the more we lose touch with who we are. <\/span>Over time, this creates a distance and resentment between both. Neither party knows who the other is, and the commitment dwindles away. <\/b><\/p>\n
5. Increased insecurity <\/b><\/h3>\n
It’s unnerving when you have to think, “My husband\/wife lied to me,” because you don’t know where the truth starts or where it ends, if ever. <\/span>You might still feel unsafe and even start hiding away valuables. <\/b><\/p>\n
No marriage can survive when one is afraid of the other. <\/span><\/p>\n
Related Reading<\/i><\/b>: <\/span><\/i>Learning How to Love Trust Without Being Insecure With My Husband<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
<\/span>5 repercussions of lying in a marriage <\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
\"Worried<\/p>\n
Have you ever discovered your spouse or partner lying about a previous marriage? Whether they never told you they were married, or perhaps they lied about who they were married to, <\/span>it can lead to bigger lies. <\/b><\/p>\n
The next thing you know, you’ve moved beyond white lies to things that <\/span>destroy a marriage<\/span><\/a>. <\/span>You’ll start seeing some of these physical and mental signs, which could scar you for the long term. <\/b><\/p>\n
1. Mental and emotional strain<\/b><\/h3>\n
No matter how big or small, marriage lies eventually impact both the liar’s and the victim’s health. On one side, <\/span>the liar has to keep living up to their lies which puts undue pressure on them.<\/b><\/p>\n
On the other side,<\/span> their partner doesn’t know them anymore and starts creating distance. This destroys intimacy and any emotional and mental support couples normally provide for each other. <\/b><\/p>\n
Without such a partnership, what lies do to a marriage includes making both sides feel overwhelmed and strained. <\/span><\/p>\n
2. Increased stress<\/b> <\/span><\/h3>\n
As this<\/span> health article on truth<\/span><\/a> explains, a lying husband or wife is subjected to an increased heart rate along with higher blood pressure and more stress hormones. <\/span><\/p>\n
Essentially, <\/span>any lie triggers a stress state that the body can’t cope with for any length of time<\/b>. Gradually, you’ll notice your husband or wife becoming more irritable, which in turn impacts you and your approach to life. <\/span><\/p>\n
If this sounds familiar, watch this video to get 6 daily habits to reduce your stress:<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n