{"id":81469,"date":"2022-11-23T06:57:27","date_gmt":"2022-11-23T06:57:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=81469"},"modified":"2022-11-23T06:57:55","modified_gmt":"2022-11-23T06:57:55","slug":"lessons-i-learned-from-years-of-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/love\/lessons-i-learned-from-years-of-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Lessons I Learned From 20 Years of Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\"Happy<\/p>\n

What do people with 20 years of marriage have to teach that may save you a lot of time and thousands of dollars in <\/span>couples therapy<\/span><\/a>? Great question! <\/span><\/p>\n

Your choice of a significant other is one of the most important decisions you will make as it relates to your overall happiness. <\/span><\/p>\n

After the <\/span>honeymoon phase<\/span><\/a>, reality hits the couple.<\/span> Your perspective on what can be the greatest adventure of your life becomes more logical. This is a magnificent opportunity to learn marriage lessons and grow from them. <\/span><\/p>\n

Can you imagine, after exchanging wedding vows, you <\/span>magically acquire<\/span> the marriage lessons that would have taken you 20 years of marriage to learn? How mind-blowing would that be? <\/span><\/p>\n

As a relationship coach, who’s been married 20 years, has two children, three fur babies, and a very full-time career, I often get asked the same question. <\/span><\/p>\n

What is the <\/span>secret to a happy marriage<\/span><\/a>? If this is something you are curious about, continue reading for the inside scoop! <\/span><\/p>\n

Related Reading<\/i><\/b>: <\/span>20 Powerful Lessons for a Happy Marriage<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
<\/span>1. Prioritize your emotional well-being<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
\"Senior<\/p>\n
Marriage is an agreement that can unearth some sleepy skeletons. That <\/span>fear of abandonment<\/span><\/a> we worked through… well, that will rise like the phoenix in marriage. <\/span><\/p>\n
Unconsciously we attract those who feel familiar.<\/span> Let’s just say I didn’t walk through this marriage thing with the elegance of a princess. Emotional turmoil dragged me down quite often. The voice sounded something like this, “You will end up a wrinkled old maid, alone. In a dirty state-facilitated old-age home.” And down the rabbit hole, I’d go. <\/span><\/p>\n
As the <\/span>report<\/span><\/a> says, in the U.S., prioritizing financial success is what’s celebrated most. So, it’s normal to feel that it should take precedence over everything else. I learned that working all hours, ignoring my intuition, and silencing my emotional needs were unhealthy. <\/span><\/p>\n
With help, <\/span>after 20 years of marriage,<\/span> I learned to identify and express my emotions with less frustration. I learned to pause before speaking and see his point of view even if I didn’t agree with it. <\/span><\/p>\n
Here’s how to do it:<\/b><\/p>\n
Creating time to listen to your feelings, scheduling five-minute breaks during the day, and checking in with your heart and body are transformational. This was by far the marriage lesson I cherish the most. <\/span><\/p>\n
Related Reading<\/i><\/b>: <\/span><\/i>7 Key Tips to Improve Mental Wellness in Your Marriage<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
<\/span>2. Work on your false beliefs <\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
In my twenties,<\/span> I was convinced that marriage was like yogurt. At first, it’s smooth and creamy, but with time, green hairy molds appear<\/span>. This belief was problematic. It oversaw what I felt, what I said, and how I said it. All of which affect marriages. <\/span><\/p>\n
Some false narratives feel so real we think they are factual. Ask yourself, “How old exactly is the person responding to this problem right now? Old narratives have the power to break down marriages.<\/span><\/p>\n
You are basically responding to present moments with past childhood thoughts. <\/span><\/p>\n
Here’s how to do it:<\/b><\/p>\n
Listen to your thoughts when something bad happens. Does it include the words always or never? This is a sign your childhood self is speaking. You can ask yourself questions like, “When my spouse and I have a big argument, I feel……” “When I don’t complete a task, I committed to myself, I feel….” “Is that really true?” <\/span><\/p>\n
John Sharp, professor at Harvard Medical School, says-<\/span><\/p>\n
  1.  Identifying where your narrative diverges from reality, and <\/span><\/li>\n
  2.  Questioning your beliefs are good ways to revise your narrative. <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>