{"id":7544,"date":"2016-04-08T11:08:34","date_gmt":"2016-04-08T11:08:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=7544"},"modified":"2022-10-27T15:37:44","modified_gmt":"2022-10-27T15:37:44","slug":"tips-on-how-couples-can-avoid-conflict-over-money-and-domestic-duties","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/finance\/tips-on-how-couples-can-avoid-conflict-over-money-and-domestic-duties\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Avoid Conflict Over Money and Domestic Duties"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-7545 size-full\" title=\"Avoid conflict over money and domestic duties\" src=\"http:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/41.jpg\" alt=\"Avoid conflict over money and domestic duties\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We associate romance and passion with mystery and spontaneity: Surprising your lover with flowers; a candlelit dinner; or a helicopter ride (if you&rsquo;re Christian Grey).<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Unfortunately, after the initial honeymoon period of a serious relationship, which, let&rsquo;s face it, usually only lasts a few months, living on the fly can be a recipe for disaster.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Money and household duties are among the most common sources of conflict among couples I counsel. The reason usually is a failure to collaboratively plan ahead. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As unromantic as it seems, most of a long-term, committed relationship involves managing mundane day-to-day tasks like cooking, cleaning, and paying bills. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These things require organization in order for a household to run smoothly. And the organization takes planning.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Common-scenarios-for-arguments\"><\/span>Common scenarios for arguments<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<ul><li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One common scenario I hear about is folks getting home late from work with no dinner plan, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, and then ordering takeout or delivery. This becomes habitual and eventually, the excess money they are spending on meals leads to a shortfall of available funds for other things.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Another is that one partner spends more money than the other feels is reasonable on meals\/clothes\/furniture\/leisure activities, etc., and the other simply stews, rather than sitting down and discussing how much they need to budget for various things.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Yet another story I hear about often is bickering over household duties such as laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. Once again, there has never even been a formal discussion of who is going to do what, and when. Each person just &lsquo;hopes&rsquo; the other will step up.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Tips-to-avoid-conflict-over-money-and-domestic-duties\"><\/span><b>Tips to avoid conflict over money and domestic duties<\/b><b><\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Be open about your finances, including assets, debts, spending, income, etc.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Meet with a financial planner to get professional\/objective <a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/finance\/planning-for-the-future-the-marriage-financial-checklist-for-every-couple-needs\/\">advice about organizing your finances and establishing budgets and goals<\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Track your spending and keep receipts.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Establish who is going to be responsible for what bills\/expenses and for making sure they get paid on time.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Develop a weekly schedule regarding domestic tasks and who is responsible for them. This should be done collaboratively. Put it in Google Calendar or a kitchen chalkboard, or somewhere that is visible\/accessible to both partners.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Accept that each person may have their own unique way of doing something (i.e. loading the dishwasher) and that your way is not necessarily the only way or even the best way.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Plan meals on a weekly basis. Shop once a week, based on your meal plans, to minimize food wastage, and save time. Prepare meals ahead of time, when possible, on weekends.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don&rsquo;t expect your partner to be able to read your mind. You want them to do something? Have a conversation, don&rsquo;t just get angry that they didn&rsquo;t do it. Often you do have to ask.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Remember that marriage\/partnerships involve compromise, but don&rsquo;t &lsquo;keep score&rsquo;, they are not business arrangements.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Of course, planning and organization do not guarantee marital bliss. Not only does the planning have to occur, but both parties must follow through on their promises. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If one person is consistently breaking the established understanding, the conflict will continue.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong>Also watch:<\/strong> What Is a Relationship Conflict?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/ZN8D1j71ZGk\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Check-your-priorities-vs-efforts\"><\/span>Check your priorities vs efforts<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I frequently see couples where one person places far more importance on cleanliness and tidiness than the other. The person who doesn&rsquo;t prioritize these things the same way assumes the other person is just too obsessive over minutia. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But it&rsquo;s usually much more than that.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The other person needs a tidy environment in order to feel calm. When they have repeatedly voiced distress to their partner, what they are really saying is, <\/span><\/p>\n<p><em><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&ldquo;These actions (meeting my requests) are what I need from you in order to feel safe and loved.&rdquo;<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I urge the other person to acknowledge that it is not about cleaning dishes, etc., it is about expressing love and commitment in a way that their partner wants and needs it expressed. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It&rsquo;s about putting effort into the marriage or relationship, and they do require effort!<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">While you certainly don&rsquo;t have to stop surprising your partner with romantic gestures and gifts, just make sure that before you do, the bills have been paid, the sheets are clean, the shopping is done, and you know what&rsquo;s for dinner.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false,"raw":""},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We associate romance and passion with mystery and spontaneity: Surprising your lover with flowers; a candlelit dinner; or a helicopter ride (if you&rsquo;re Christian Grey). Unfortunately, after the initial honeymoon period of a serious relationship, which, let&rsquo;s face it, usually only lasts a few months, living on the fly can be a recipe for disaster. Money and household duties are among the most common sources of conflict among couples I counsel. The reason usually is a failure to collaboratively plan ahead. As unromantic as it seems, most of a long-term, committed relationship involves managing mundane day-to-day tasks like cooking, cleaning, <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":61,"featured_media":7545,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[14],"tags":[2571],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7544"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/61"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7544"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7544\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":56700,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7544\/revisions\/56700"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7545"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7544"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7544"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7544"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}