{"id":74443,"date":"2022-02-02T14:45:57","date_gmt":"2022-02-02T14:45:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=74443"},"modified":"2026-08-06T06:57:24","modified_gmt":"2026-08-06T06:57:24","slug":"how-to-get-an-avoidant-to-chase-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/how-to-get-an-avoidant-to-chase-you\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Get an Avoidant to Chase You? 11 Tips That Might Work"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-104655\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/733254532.jpg\" alt=\"Confused couple talking to each other \" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p class=\"font-claude-response-body break-words whitespace-normal\" dir=\"ltr\">Getting an avoidant partner to lean in usually comes down to giving them space, staying emotionally consistent, and building your own sense of security, rather than pursuing them harder when they pull back.<\/p>\n<p class=\"font-claude-response-body break-words whitespace-normal\" dir=\"ltr\">You like someone&hellip; but the closer you get, the more they pull away. It&rsquo;s confusing, a little frustrating, and honestly? It can feel pretty lonely.<\/p>\n<p class=\"font-claude-response-body break-words whitespace-normal\" dir=\"ltr\">People with an avoidant attachment style tend to guard their space fiercely; they value independence, and closeness can sometimes feel overwhelming to them. So, naturally, you start wondering how to get an avoidant to chase you without pushing them further away.<\/p>\n<p class=\"font-claude-response-body break-words whitespace-normal\" dir=\"ltr\">The truth is, it&rsquo;s not about playing games or pretending to be someone you&rsquo;re not. It&rsquo;s about understanding what makes them feel safe, and showing up in a way that actually works. With a little patience and the right approach, things can shift in ways you didn&rsquo;t expect!<\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Disclaimer<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These tips aren&rsquo;t about manipulation. If someone is genuinely right for you, you won&rsquo;t need to &ldquo;win&rdquo; them over with tactics. Real connection grows from honesty, mutual respect, and emotional safety&hellip; not strategy. Use these as tools for understanding, not control.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"What-Does-It-Mean-to-Have-an-Avoidant-Attachment-Style\"><\/span><b>What Does It Mean to Have an Avoidant Attachment Style?<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/lQgCoJ7gV2Y?si=pUQVzJguV-oD8ykj\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><br>\n<div class=\"subscribeYT_highlight\"><div class=\"subscribe_channel\">\r\n            <div class=\"subscribe_text\">Join millions <span class=\"sub_text1\">building healthier, happier<\/span> <span class=\"sub_text2\"> relationships.<\/span><\/div>\r\n            <a class=\"subscribe-btn-in-content\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/@Marriagedotcom?sub_confirmation=1\" target=\"_blank\">\r\n            <img decoding=\"async\" src=\"\/images\/youtube_icon_small.png\" class=\"icon-left\" alt=\"YouTube\">\r\n            <span>Subscribe<\/span>\r\n            <img decoding=\"async\" src=\"\/images\/bell_icon_new.svg\" class=\"icon-right\" alt=\"Extra Icon\">\r\n            <\/a>\r\n        <\/div><\/div><\/p>\n<p><b>Avoidant attachment style develops early in life, usually when emotional needs go consistently unmet.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Over time, a person learns to rely on themselves&hellip; and only themselves.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In relationships, this shows up as a strong need for independence, discomfort with vulnerability, and a tendency to pull back when things get too close. It&rsquo;s not indifference; it&rsquo;s self-protection. Understanding this is the first step to navigating things a little more thoughtfully, at your own pace.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul><li aria-level=\"1\">\n<h3><b>Do avoidants chase in relationships?<\/b><\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It&rsquo;s rare, but it does happen. Avoidants typically don&rsquo;t pursue openly; they express interest in quieter, more subtle ways. When dating someone with an avoidant attachment, you might notice small gestures rather than grand ones.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Part of what makes avoidant behavior so easy to misread is that it often shows up most clearly in what is missing rather than what is present.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><div class=\"research_highlight\"><p> Gauvin, Maxwell, Impett, and MacDonald, publishing in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC12569141\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> combined data<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> from three dyadic studies with 303 couples and found that individuals higher in attachment avoidance were less accurate in inferring the positive emotions of their partner during love conversations.<\/p><\/div>&nbsp; <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It was not because they misread them dramatically, but because they were less sensitive to positive cues in the relationship overall.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The research suggests that avoidant individuals may be experiencing genuine connection but struggling to fully register or respond to the warmth being offered to them.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They won&rsquo;t always chase&hellip; but when they feel genuinely safe with someone, they do show up. Just differently than you&rsquo;d expect.<\/span><\/p>\n<div class=\"wporg-box\"><div class=\"\"><span class=\"wporg_heading\">RELATED READING : <\/span><span class=\"wporg_title\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/mental-health\/avoidant-attachment\/\" title=\"Avoidant Attachment Style &#8211; Defination, Types &#038; Treatment\">Avoidant Attachment Style &#8211; Defination, Types &#038; Treatment<\/a><\/span><\/div><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"How-to-Get-an-Avoidant-to-Chase-You-11-Tips-That-Might-Work\"><\/span><b>How to Get an Avoidant to Chase You? 11 Tips That Might Work<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"font-claude-response-body break-words whitespace-normal\" dir=\"ltr\">Getting an avoidant to chase you starts with giving them space, staying emotionally consistent, and building a life of your own, so they feel safe enough to lean in rather than pressured to pull back.<\/p>\n<p class=\"font-claude-response-body break-words whitespace-normal\" dir=\"ltr\">It&rsquo;s not about tricks or tactics. It&rsquo;s about creating the kind of dynamic where an avoidant genuinely wants to lean in. Avoidants don&rsquo;t respond well to pressure or pursuit; they need to feel safe before they can open up.<\/p>\n<p class=\"font-claude-response-body break-words whitespace-normal\" dir=\"ltr\">These tips aren&rsquo;t about manipulating anyone&hellip; they&rsquo;re about showing up in a way that actually makes sense for how an avoidant thinks, feels, and connects. A little self-awareness goes a long way!<\/p>\n<h3><b>1. Give them space without disappearing<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This one sounds counterintuitive, but it works. Avoidants feel safest when they don&rsquo;t sense pressure or pursuit; crowding them, even unintentionally, can trigger their need to withdraw.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The key is staying present without hovering. Check in warmly, then step back. Let them breathe. When they realize you respect their space, curiosity naturally starts to build&hellip; and that&rsquo;s exactly where you want things to go.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Here&rsquo;s what you can actually do:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Send a warm, low-pressure message and then give them time to respond without following up<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Make plans with friends or pursue your own interests instead of waiting around<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Resist the urge to fill every silence; let pauses exist without anxiety<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h3><b>2. Work on your own life first<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Nothing is more attractive than someone who has their own thing going on. When you&rsquo;re genuinely invested in your goals, friendships, and passions, you stop orbiting around the avoidant, and that shift is noticeable.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It signals confidence and independence, two things avoidants deeply respect. So pick up that hobby, make those plans, and show up as someone who&rsquo;s already living fully. It draws people in without saying a word!<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Here&rsquo;s what you can actually do:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Set one personal goal this week and actively work toward it<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Reconnect with a friend or hobby you&rsquo;ve been neglecting<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Notice when your mood depends on their response, and redirect that energy inward<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h3><b>3. Stay emotionally consistent<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-74447\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/New-Project-2022-02-02T195924.479.jpg\" alt=\"Couple running piggyback in the city park\" width=\"805\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Avoidants are sensitive to emotional unpredictability; it reminds them of environments where connection felt unsafe. When you show up with a steady, calm energy, it helps them lower their guard over time.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You don&rsquo;t have to suppress your feelings, just express them in ways that feel grounded rather than reactive. Consistency builds trust, and trust is the foundation of everything with an avoidant. It&rsquo;s slow, but it&rsquo;s real.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Here&rsquo;s what you can actually do:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Before reacting to something they said or did, take a breath and respond thoughtfully<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Keep your tone warm and even during conversations, even if you&rsquo;re feeling uncertain<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Avoid sudden emotional shifts like going from very warm to cold after they pull back<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div class=\"wporg-box\"><div class=\"\"><span class=\"wporg_heading\">RELATED READING : <\/span><span class=\"wporg_title\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/consistency-in-a-relationship\/\" title=\"10 Effective Ways to Ensure Consistency in a Relationship\">10 Effective Ways to Ensure Consistency in a Relationship<\/a><\/span><\/div><\/div>\n<h3><b>4. Don&rsquo;t chase them when they pull away<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When an avoidant goes quiet or creates distance, every instinct tells you to close the gap. But pursuing them in those moments usually makes things worse. Instead, give them room to return on their own.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It won&rsquo;t always feel easy&hellip; but holding your ground signals that you&rsquo;re secure, not desperate. That kind of energy is quietly irresistible to someone who fears being overwhelmed by a partner&rsquo;s needs.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Here&rsquo;s what you can actually do:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When they go quiet, wait at least 24 to 48 hours before reaching out<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Distract yourself with something meaningful instead of checking their activity online<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Journal how you&rsquo;re feeling rather than sending a message you might regret<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h3><b>5. Let them lead at their own pace<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Pushing for commitment or labels too soon is one of the fastest ways to send an avoidant running. If you&rsquo;re wondering how to get an avoidant to commit, the honest answer is: you can&rsquo;t force it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And research on what actually predicts relationship stability helps explain why.<\/span><\/p>\n<div class=\"research_highlight\"><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Rhoades, Stanley, and Markman, publishing in the Journal of Family Psychology,<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC2958669\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">studied 1,184 unmarried adults<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and found that dedication, defined as genuine interpersonal commitment rather than simply staying out of obligation, was one of the strongest unique predictors of relationship stability over time.<\/span><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Crucially, feeling trapped in a relationship was negatively associated with stability, while freely chosen dedication was positively associated with it. For an avoidant, the difference between those two experiences is everything.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What you can do is create a relationship dynamic where commitment feels like a natural next step rather than a demand. Be patient; let things unfold organically. When they feel unchained, they&rsquo;re far more likely to move toward you.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Here&rsquo;s what you can actually do:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Avoid bringing up labels or &ldquo;what are we&rdquo; conversations too early<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Focus on enjoying each interaction rather than analyzing where things are headed<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let them initiate plans occasionally so they feel in control of the pace<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h3><b>6. Be genuinely warm, not overly available<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There&rsquo;s a difference between being warm and being endlessly available. Avoidants are drawn to people who are kind and caring, but they can become complacent when someone is always within reach.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Maintain your warmth, but also have moments where you&rsquo;re simply&hellip; busy. This isn&rsquo;t about playing games; it&rsquo;s about preserving the natural push and pull that keeps any relationship interesting and alive.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Here&rsquo;s what you can actually do:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Respond to messages warmly but not always instantly; let some time pass naturally<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Make plans you genuinely enjoy so you&rsquo;re not always free when they reach out<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Be present and engaged when you are together, rather than always being &ldquo;on call&rdquo;<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h3><b>7. Create positive, low-pressure experiences together<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-74446\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/New-Project-2022-02-02T195832.726.jpg\" alt=\"Couple running at each other\" width=\"805\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Avoidants open up gradually, and shared positive experiences are one of the best ways to build that connection. Think easy, enjoyable time together, things like a casual walk, a shared interest, or a lighthearted conversation over coffee.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These moments don&rsquo;t carry the weight of &ldquo;where is this going,&rdquo; and that&rsquo;s exactly why they work. Over time, they associate you with ease and comfort&hellip; which is a powerful thing!<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Here&rsquo;s what you can actually do:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Suggest a simple, activity-based hangout instead of a formal dinner or serious talk<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Keep conversations light and fun; save deeper topics for when trust is already established<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Notice what they enjoy and suggest things that naturally align with their interests<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div class=\"wporg-box\"><div class=\"\"><span class=\"wporg_heading\">RELATED READING : <\/span><span class=\"wporg_title\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/how-to-take-things-slow-in-a-relationship\/\" title=\"How to Take Things Slow in a Relationship: 13 Helpful Tips\">How to Take Things Slow in a Relationship: 13 Helpful Tips<\/a><\/span><\/div><\/div>\n<h3><b>8. Communicate openly but gently<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Heavy, intense conversations can feel threatening to an avoidant. That doesn&rsquo;t mean you should avoid honesty; it just means delivery matters. Keep things light where you can, bring up concerns calmly, and avoid ultimatums.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you communicate in a way that feels safe and non-confrontational, they&rsquo;re more likely to stay present and actually hear you. It takes practice, but it changes the whole dynamic.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Here&rsquo;s what you can actually do:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Use &ldquo;I feel&rdquo; statements instead of &ldquo;you always&rdquo; or &ldquo;you never&rdquo; when sharing concerns<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Pick a calm, relaxed moment to bring something up rather than doing it mid-conflict<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Keep the conversation short and focused; don&rsquo;t pile on multiple issues at once<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h3><b>9. Show them you&rsquo;re a secure presence<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-74445\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/New-Project-2022-02-02T195857.628.jpg\" alt=\"Couple romance\" width=\"805\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Avoidants are often drawn to people who seem emotionally secure; it balances out their own inner turbulence. You don&rsquo;t have to have everything figured out, but working on your own<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC10325102\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">emotional steadiness<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> matters more than you might think.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you don&rsquo;t crumble at every push and pull, it signals that you can handle the relationship without it becoming a source of anxiety for them. That&rsquo;s deeply reassuring!<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Here&rsquo;s what you can actually do:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Practice self-soothing techniques like deep breathing or grounding when you feel anxious<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Avoid seeking constant reassurance from them; find stability within yourself first<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Work with a therapist or journal regularly to process your own attachment patterns<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h3><b>10. Know when to pull back your attention<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you&rsquo;re trying to figure out how to make an avoidant miss you, this is probably the most important tip. When your attention is constant and predictable, there&rsquo;s nothing to miss.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Pulling back occasionally, not as a manipulation but as a natural part of having your own life, creates a little space for longing. Absence, used honestly, has a quiet way of reminding someone what they actually value.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Here&rsquo;s what you can actually do:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Spend a weekend fully focused on yourself without initiating any contact<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Post about something fun you&rsquo;re doing without making it about them<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let a few days pass between interactions naturally, without forcing conversation<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><em>Watch this TED Talk by Ashley Harvey, relationship educator, who shares how understanding attachment styles helps build healthier, more secure, and fulfilling romantic relationships.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/jHpdf4ekrXM?si=KFC3rE2Gd4LVG4YU\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<h3><b>11. Be patient with the process<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Figuring out how to get an avoidant to chase you isn&rsquo;t something that happens overnight; it&rsquo;s a slow build. Avoidants need time to feel safe, and safety isn&rsquo;t something you can rush. Some days will feel like progress; others might feel like a step back. That&rsquo;s normal.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What matters is staying grounded in who you are and not losing yourself in the process. The right person will always find their way back when the conditions feel right.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Here&rsquo;s what you can actually do:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Set a personal boundary for how long you&rsquo;re willing to wait and check in with yourself regularly<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Celebrate small moments of progress rather than fixating on the bigger picture<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Remind yourself that your worth isn&rsquo;t defined by whether they chase you or not<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div class=\"wporg-box\"><div class=\"\"><span class=\"wporg_heading\">RELATED READING : <\/span><span class=\"wporg_title\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/ways-to-have-more-patience-in-a-relationship\/\" title=\"15 Ways to Have More Patience in a Relationship\">15 Ways to Have More Patience in a Relationship<\/a><\/span><\/div><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"What-to-Keep-in-Mind-When-Dating-Someone-With-an-Avoidant-Attachment\"><\/span><b>What to Keep in Mind When Dating Someone With an Avoidant Attachment?<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Dating someone with an avoidant attachment mostly comes down to patience, self-awareness, and not taking their need for space personally.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It asks a lot of you, patience, self-awareness, and a genuine willingness to understand someone who expresses love a little differently. Before anything else, it helps to go in with clear eyes.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Here are a few things worth keeping in mind:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Their need for space isn&rsquo;t a rejection of you<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Progress will often be slow, and that&rsquo;s okay<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your needs matter just as much as theirs<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Consistency from your end builds trust over time<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Pushing too hard will almost always backfire<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The truth is, avoidants are capable of deep connection; they just take longer to get there. They&rsquo;re not &ldquo;broken,&rdquo; and they&rsquo;re not unlovable. What they need is a partner who doesn&rsquo;t panic at the first sign of distance.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">That&rsquo;s a tall order sometimes! But when the relationship is built on genuine understanding rather than anxiety, something real can grow. Just make sure you&rsquo;re also asking yourself whether your own needs are being met along the way.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"FAQs\"><\/span><strong>FAQs<\/strong><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Here are answers to some of the most common questions about avoidant attachment and what it actually takes to build a genuine connection with someone who pulls away.<\/span><\/p>\n<style>#sp-ea-122654 .spcollapsing { height: 0; overflow: hidden; transition-property: height;transition-duration: 300ms;}#sp-ea-122654.sp-easy-accordion>.sp-ea-single {border: 1px solid #e2e2e2; }#sp-ea-122654.sp-easy-accordion>.sp-ea-single>.ea-header a {color: #444;}#sp-ea-122654.sp-easy-accordion>.sp-ea-single>.sp-collapse>.ea-body {background: #fff; color: #444;}#sp-ea-122654.sp-easy-accordion>.sp-ea-single {background: #eee;}#sp-ea-122654.sp-easy-accordion>.sp-ea-single>.ea-header a .ea-expand-icon.fa { float: left; color: #444;font-size: 16px;}<\/style><div id=\"sp-ea-122654\" class=\"sp-ea-one sp-easy-accordion\" data-ex-icon=\"fa-angle-up\" data-col-icon=\"fa-angle-down\"  data-ea-active=\"ea-click\"  data-ea-mode=\"vertical\" data-preloader=\"\" data-scroll-active-item=\"\" data-offset-to-scroll=\"0\"><div class=\"ea-card ea-expand sp-ea-single\"><h3 class=\"ea-header\"><a class=\"collapsed\" data-sptoggle=\"spcollapse\" data-sptarget=#collapse1226540 href=\"javascript:void(0)\"  aria-expanded=\"true\"><i class=\"ea-expand-icon fa fa-angle-up\"><\/i> Do avoidants come back after pulling away?<\/a><\/h3><div class=\"sp-collapse spcollapse collapsed show\" id=\"collapse1226540\" data-parent=#sp-ea-122654><div class=\"ea-body\"><p>Avoidants often do come back after pulling away, especially once they\u2019ve had enough space to feel like the relationship isn\u2019t closing in on them. The return usually looks subtle, a text checking in, a small gesture, rather than a dramatic reappearance.<\/p>\n<p>How quickly they come back depends on how safe they felt before they pulled back and whether the space you gave them felt genuine rather than punishing.<\/p>\n<p>If pulling away has become a repeated pattern with no real return, that\u2019s worth paying attention to as a sign the relationship needs a different kind of conversation, not just more patience.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ea-card  sp-ea-single\"><h3 class=\"ea-header\"><a class=\"collapsed\" data-sptoggle=\"spcollapse\" data-sptarget=#collapse1226541 href=\"javascript:void(0)\"  aria-expanded=\"false\"><i class=\"ea-expand-icon fa fa-angle-down\"><\/i> How long does it take an avoidant to miss you?<\/a><\/h3><div class=\"sp-collapse spcollapse \" id=\"collapse1226541\" data-parent=#sp-ea-122654><div class=\"ea-body\"><p>There\u2019s no fixed timeline for how long it takes an avoidant to miss someone, since it depends heavily on how much space they needed and how secure they felt in the relationship to begin with. For some, a few days of genuine distance is enough to shift something.<\/p>\n<p>For others, especially if their guard is up for other reasons, it can take weeks. What matters more than the exact timing is that the space feels natural rather than engineered, since avoidants tend to sense when distance is being used as a tactic.<\/p>\n<p>Rushing this process by checking in too soon usually resets the clock rather than speeding it up.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ea-card  sp-ea-single\"><h3 class=\"ea-header\"><a class=\"collapsed\" data-sptoggle=\"spcollapse\" data-sptarget=#collapse1226542 href=\"javascript:void(0)\"  aria-expanded=\"false\"><i class=\"ea-expand-icon fa fa-angle-down\"><\/i> Can an avoidant fall in love?<\/a><\/h3><div class=\"sp-collapse spcollapse \" id=\"collapse1226542\" data-parent=#sp-ea-122654><div class=\"ea-body\"><p>Avoidants absolutely can fall in love, though the experience often looks quieter and more guarded than it does for other attachment styles. Avoidant individuals can form genuine emotional bonds, even when their outward behavior signals distance rather than closeness.<\/p>\n<p>The disconnect between what they feel internally and what they show externally is often the root of why avoidant partners get mistaken for uninterested when they\u2019re actually just protecting themselves. Recognizing that gap can make their love language easier to read over time.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ea-card  sp-ea-single\"><h3 class=\"ea-header\"><a class=\"collapsed\" data-sptoggle=\"spcollapse\" data-sptarget=#collapse1226543 href=\"javascript:void(0)\"  aria-expanded=\"false\"><i class=\"ea-expand-icon fa fa-angle-down\"><\/i> What triggers an avoidant to withdraw?<\/a><\/h3><div class=\"sp-collapse spcollapse \" id=\"collapse1226543\" data-parent=#sp-ea-122654><div class=\"ea-body\"><p>An avoidant typically withdraws when a relationship starts to feel too close, too fast, whether that\u2019s through emotional intensity, requests for commitment, or simply spending more time together than they\u2019re used to.<\/p>\n<p>The trigger is rarely about the other person doing something wrong; it\u2019s more often an internal alarm that closeness is becoming unsafe territory. Conflict, direct confrontation, or perceived pressure to define the relationship are especially common triggers.<\/p>\n<p>Recognizing that withdrawal is a self-protective reflex rather than a rejection of you specifically can make it easier to respond calmly instead of chasing them further away.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ea-card  sp-ea-single\"><h3 class=\"ea-header\"><a class=\"collapsed\" data-sptoggle=\"spcollapse\" data-sptarget=#collapse1226544 href=\"javascript:void(0)\"  aria-expanded=\"false\"><i class=\"ea-expand-icon fa fa-angle-down\"><\/i> Should you ignore an avoidant when they pull away?<\/a><\/h3><div class=\"sp-collapse spcollapse \" id=\"collapse1226544\" data-parent=#sp-ea-122654><div class=\"ea-body\"><p>Ignoring an avoidant when they pull away isn\u2019t quite the right move, but neither is chasing them; the middle ground is giving them space while staying quietly available. Going completely silent can read as punishment, which may confirm their fear that closeness leads to conflict.<\/p>\n<p>On the other hand, reaching out repeatedly can feel like pressure and push them further back. A short, warm message followed by genuinely stepping back to live your own life tends to work better than either extreme.<\/p>\n<p>The goal isn\u2019t to withhold attention as a strategy; it\u2019s to let their space exist without anxiety on your end.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ea-card  sp-ea-single\"><h3 class=\"ea-header\"><a class=\"collapsed\" data-sptoggle=\"spcollapse\" data-sptarget=#collapse1226545 href=\"javascript:void(0)\"  aria-expanded=\"false\"><i class=\"ea-expand-icon fa fa-angle-down\"><\/i> Can an avoidant attachment style change over time?<\/a><\/h3><div class=\"sp-collapse spcollapse \" id=\"collapse1226545\" data-parent=#sp-ea-122654><div class=\"ea-body\"><p>Avoidant attachment style can shift over time, particularly within a relationship that consistently feels safe, though the change tends to be gradual rather than sudden. Attachment patterns are not fixed for life and can move toward greater security through consistent, trustworthy relationship experiences.<\/p>\n<p>That shift usually depends more on sustained safety than on any single conversation or gesture. Therapy can also support this process, especially when old patterns feel too automatic to interrupt alone.<span id=\"Love-on-Your-Terms\" class=\"ez-toc-section\"><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Love-on-Your-Terms\"><\/span><b>Love, on Your Terms<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Getting an avoidant to chase you ultimately comes down to staying grounded, giving them space without disappearing, and building a life full enough that you&rsquo;re not waiting on their next move.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Figuring out how to get an avoidant to chase you is really about one thing: showing up as your most grounded, secure self. It&rsquo;s not a guaranteed formula&hellip; and honestly, it shouldn&rsquo;t be. Some connections take time; others simply aren&rsquo;t meant to go the distance.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What matters most is that you don&rsquo;t lose yourself in the process. Stay warm, stay patient, and keep investing in your own life. The right dynamic will either grow naturally, or it&rsquo;ll show you something equally valuable. Either way, you&rsquo;ll be okay!<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false,"raw":""},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Getting an avoidant partner to lean in usually comes down to giving them space, staying emotionally consistent, and building your own sense of security, rather than pursuing them harder when they pull back. You like someone&hellip; but the closer you get, the more they pull away. It&rsquo;s confusing, a little frustrating, and honestly? It can feel pretty lonely. People with an avoidant attachment style tend to guard their space fiercely; they value independence, and closeness can sometimes feel overwhelming to them. So, naturally, you start wondering how to get an avoidant to chase you without pushing them further away. The <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":675,"featured_media":104655,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2498],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-74443","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating-advice","has_thumb"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74443","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/675"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=74443"}],"version-history":[{"count":17,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74443\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":122655,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74443\/revisions\/122655"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/104655"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=74443"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=74443"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=74443"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}