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Romantic relationships consist of highs and lows. To <\/span>make a relationship work<\/span><\/a>, both partners need to put in the effort. In this process, arguments can happen. But there are some things to keep in mind while arguing. <\/span><\/p>\n One of the main things that can hamper a romantic relationship is defensiveness. Can becoming extremely defensive help you communicate with your partner? No. When you’re being defensive, it is hampering the quality of communication with your partner.<\/span><\/p>\n You can learn about how to stop being defensive<\/span> and communicate healthily with your partner! <\/span>Effective communication<\/span><\/a> is a very important part of a healthy, long-lasting relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n Before delving into some strategies that you can implement to deal with defensiveness, first take a look at what it means. <\/span><\/p>\n If you really want to know how to stop being defensive, you should understand that defensiveness is not just behavior but also a feeling. It is how you feel and act if someone is criticizing you.<\/span><\/p>\n The situations where you get that “I feel attacked”<\/span> feeling is probably when you start behaving defensively. It’s like your mind’s way of protecting you from any threat you may sense. For romantic relationships, the threat refers to any criticism that you face from your partner.<\/span><\/p>\n So,<\/span> defensiveness<\/span><\/a> is like a reaction to any type of threat (criticism) that you may sense. <\/span><\/p>\n However, becoming very defensive in relationships can hinder your connection with your partner. Because when a partner gets defensive, the argument turns into a war of sorts, with a winner and a loser. <\/span><\/p>\n This win-or-lose mindset in a relationship doesn’t work out now, does it? <\/span><\/p>\n It just<\/span> jeopardizes the relationship<\/span><\/a> and the love between you and your partner. But don’t worry, now that you know the what and why of defensiveness, you can overcome it!<\/span><\/p>\n You know what is defensiveness and the basic cause of defensiveness. However, to effectively work on your defensive behavior, let’s get more specific.<\/span><\/p>\n Jack Gibb<\/span><\/a>, a pioneer in the field of defensive communication, proposed 6 behavioral situations. These situations explain what causes defensive behavior.<\/span> <\/b><\/p>\n In an <\/span>intimate relationship<\/span><\/a>, if your partner has an all-or-nothing mindset or a black-and-white mindset, it may cause you to behave in a defensive way. This mindset of extremities and the right\/wrong way of thinking can make you feel like you’re being attacked.<\/span><\/p>\n If you feel like your partner’s very controlling or somehow always managing to get their way, you may feel like it’s unfair. This might lead you to act defensively because, let’s face it, nobody likes to <\/span>be controlled or manipulated in a relationship<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n Your mind may make you think and feel like you are in danger so you end up behaving in a defensive way. <\/span><\/p>\n This situation is one of the easiest ways to make someone behave defensively. A big reason why you may be acting all defensive is that your partner might be making you feel inferior to him\/her\/them.<\/span><\/p>\n Being around someone who brags about themselves a lot is tough. If you’re being made to feel like you’re not good enough, you may feel threatened and become defensive. <\/span><\/p>\n Communicating openly<\/span><\/a> is essential for a healthy relationship. Now if you’ve been in situations where your partner has kept major secrets from you or not told you something that you needed to know, that could also lead you to fight defensively with your partner. <\/span><\/p>\n If you feel like you cannot trust your partner, it can lead you to experience a sense of threat.<\/span> <\/b><\/p>\n If you’re <\/span>constantly under criticism from your partner<\/span><\/a> about anything and everything you do, then you can feel sad, angry, anxious, etc. Not only this, but you may also have this urge to protect yourself from constant criticism. This, in turn, may lead to defensive behavior. <\/span><\/p>\n If there is a habit of constantly <\/span>shifting blame<\/span><\/a> or not taking responsibility for things that have not gone according to plan, then that can easily lead to defensiveness in relationships. The constant lack of accountability can be very upsetting. This, too, can facilitate defensiveness.<\/span><\/p>\n All these situations which Gibb called behavioral climates, are some of the most common instances when people get defensive. So now you can identify when and how you get defensive and be mindful about it!<\/span> <\/b><\/p>\n When you have defensive personality traits, it can take you and your partner down this rabbit hole of<\/span> blaming each other<\/span><\/a>. It is essential to understand how to stop being defensive so that you can save your relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n If you’re being defensive, chances are that your partner also gets defensive as a reaction to your defensiveness. Then you both continue raising your defenses, and the rest is history. <\/span><\/p>\n But hey, just because this may have happened in the past doesn’t mean that you can’t work on it in the present! There’s hope, and there are some fantastic strategies when you think, “Why am I so defensive”! Use the following strategies for regulating your defensiveness:<\/span><\/p>\n Now this one is a classic. When you’re <\/span>communicating with your partner<\/span><\/a>, try to be mindful about the way you’re saying whatever it is that you want to say. This is great for dealing with defensive behavior in relationships. <\/span><\/p>\n Here’s an example for you. Instead of saying, “All you do is scream at me,” say, “I find it’s very tough for me to hear what you’re saying when you scream.” <\/span><\/p>\n When you use these sentences, it’s like the accusatory tone is gone! “I” statements allow you to say how you’re feeling and your opinion. This puts an end to the <\/span>blame game<\/span><\/a> because opinions are just opinions. There’s no right or wrong!<\/span><\/p>\n Just remember not to <\/span>use “I” statements<\/span><\/a> sarcastically.<\/span><\/p>\n According to <\/span>Kimberly Smith<\/span><\/a>, a licensed mental health counselor:<\/span><\/p>\n “I” statements address the behavior, not the person, so they don’t feel like personal attacks.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n When it comes to defensive behavior, let’s avoid trash-talking and <\/span>constant comparison<\/span><\/a> to others. These practices may be the building blocks of an overly defensive personality. These strategies won’t help you grow. <\/span><\/p>\n When you begin embracing a mindset where you want to grow as a person, things change. It’s about how you want to use your energy. Do you want to use it for self-defense? Or do you want to use it for self-improvement? <\/span><\/p>\n To adopt this mindset, the intention behind the criticism that you may receive from your partner. Be on the same page with your partner about why they’re criticizing you. Neutral and constructive criticism intended to help you work on yourself instead of embarrassing or hurting you can help you grow! <\/span><\/p>\n How you see and understand situations is how you will react to those situations. If you’re in a situation where you are being criticized by your partner, how do you see that criticism?<\/span><\/p>\n Take a step back. Think about the criticism. Is it because your partner wants to make you feel low? Is it because your partner wants you to be more aware of yourself? Does your partner believe in you enough to know that you can do better?<\/span><\/p>\n See, feedback is essential for actualizing your potential. When you were in college or school, remember how your professors or teachers would push you at times so that you could achieve something? This is similar to that.<\/span><\/p>\n There’s a high chance that your partner is criticizing you because they know you’re capable of doing much better.<\/span> <\/b><\/p>\n A lot of the time, defensiveness comes from a place of low self-esteem. If you’re not feeling good about yourself, you’re probably going to be more sensitive to feeling let down by criticism. <\/span><\/p>\n When you’re feeling defensive, try to remind yourself of your passions. Think about what you love doing. What you’re good at. What are your best qualities? In the context of your relationship, you can even think about what are the best parts of your relationship! <\/span><\/p>\n When you take the time to acknowledge the good in yourself, the defensive tendency goes down. <\/span><\/p>\n This strategy is perfect for implementing those exact moments when you’re feeling very defensive. As per defensiveness psychology, this feeling is like a sudden desire or craving. You crave to defend yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n How to get over a craving? By buying some time. In the heat of the moment, you can use filler words while talking to your partner. Words like “Oh,” “Go on,” and “Aah, I see” are some useful examples. <\/span><\/p>\n The other option you have is to stay silent for a few moments. Take that much-needed breather. Collect your thoughts. A little bit of awkward silence is okay! You are with your partner, after all. <\/span><\/p>\n Now you know about the main solutions to tackle defensive behavior. This section will help you in overcoming defensiveness in a step-by-step manner. <\/span><\/p>\n Awareness is key to knowing how to stop being defensive. Try to remember what is defensiveness. Identify the situations where you get defensive with your partner. Identify what you say when you get defensive. When you identify these cues, you can stop and regulate yourself. <\/span><\/p>\n For your better understanding, here’s a video clip that shows what exactly being defensive in a relationship looks like<\/i><\/b><\/span>Understanding defensiveness and how it happens<\/span><\/h2>\n
Related Reading:<\/i><\/b> Is Your Spouse Defensive?<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
<\/span>The 6 primary behavioral climates that lead to defensiveness<\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\n1. Dogmatism<\/b><\/h3>\n
2. Manipulating or controlling behavio<\/b>r <\/span><\/h3>\n
3. Superiority<\/b><\/h3>\n
4. Withholding information\/ secretive behavior<\/b><\/h3>\n
5. Critical behavior<\/b><\/h3>\n
6. No accountability <\/b><\/h3>\n
Related Reading: <\/i><\/b>How to Listen Without Getting Defensive<\/span><\/i><\/a>?<\/span><\/i><\/pre>\n
<\/span>5 ways to stop being defensive<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\n1. Use “I” statements <\/b><\/h3>\n
2. Pursue a growth-oriented mindset<\/b><\/h3>\n
3. Perceive criticism in a positive light<\/b><\/h3>\n
4. Remember your core values <\/b><\/h3>\n
Related Reading:<\/i><\/b> Core Relationship Values Every Couple Must Have<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
5. Try to buy time for yourself in critical moments<\/b> <\/b><\/h3>\n
Related Reading:<\/i><\/b> What Is Defensive Listening and How Destructive Can It Be<\/span><\/i><\/a>?<\/span><\/i><\/pre>\n
<\/span>A 12-Step Strategy to Tackle Defensiveness<\/span><\/h2>\n
1. Identify when you’re being defensive <\/b><\/h3>\n