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When you <\/span>find a person you want to marry<\/span><\/a>, you marry into a new family. If you are lucky, they will welcome you with open arms. <\/span><\/p>\n Still, it could happen that you face unfortunate circumstances of dealing with a manipulative mother-in-law. This situation could be bringing dark clouds over your happiness and have you wonder what you did wrong and how you can resolve it. <\/span><\/p>\n A <\/span>manipulative mother-in-law can affect your life in many ways<\/span><\/a>. She might be trying to control your actions, your spouse’s choices, or even attempt to turn them against you. <\/span><\/p>\n She can be more or less subtle about it or more or less successful in her efforts to manipulate the situation in her favor. <\/span><\/p>\n Be that as it may, you don’t have to despair. There are still things you can do to manage and survive a toxic mother-in-law. <\/span><\/p>\n If you are to handle a toxic mother-in-law, you need to understand her, and that means understanding her motives. <\/span><\/p>\n Things used to be done a certain way, and now she needs to adapt and change. And we know how change can be, say the least, challenging.<\/span><\/p>\n If so, she might be looking for appreciation and worrying will she have it from the family once you join. <\/span><\/p>\n For some reason, a manipulative mother-in-law sees you as a threat. If you want to deal with a toxic mother-in-law successfully, you need to understand why that is. Then you can move on to how to mend or survive the situation. <\/span><\/p>\n When confronted with the thought, “my mother-in-law is manipulative” or “mother-in-law manipulates my husband,” you might question your judgment and wonder if you are seeing things straight. <\/span><\/p>\n This depends on how subtle she is in her approach. In that case, knowing the signs, your mother-in-law is manipulative can be of help. <\/span><\/p>\n One of the <\/span>controlling mother-in-law<\/span><\/a> tactics involves getting to know you so she can use that information against you. A manipulative mother-in-law can act all nice and polite to get you to open up. <\/span><\/p>\n However, eventually, she will use that information to show how, in comparison to her, you are far from perfect. In the end, you will feel played and belittled. <\/span><\/p>\n While you are wrong all the time, she is right all the time. She won’t always rub that in your face, especially if there are others present. <\/span><\/p>\n However, she will exhort her worthiness by demonstrating how her way is the best way. <\/span><\/p>\n The more socially attuned a manipulative mother-in-law is, the longer she can keep up appearances in front of others. <\/span><\/p>\n It could be that she manipulates them so cleverly that they see you as the bad guy if you attempt to say anything. <\/span><\/p>\n One of the signs of a bad mother-in-law is <\/span>emotional manipulation.<\/span><\/a> She can fake it until she makes it. <\/span><\/p>\n A manipulative mother-in-law can cry when needed, get angry, or sick. She knows how to get attention and her way by using the empathy of others. <\/span><\/p>\n Not only does a manipulative mother-in-law push herself into your decision-making process, but she can also intrude on your time alone. The more she is a part of your lives, the more she can control them. <\/span><\/p>\n If you feel you can never get some <\/span>personal time with your spouse<\/span><\/a>, this could be one of the manipulative mother-in-law signs. <\/span><\/p>\n Now that you have gone over the signs, can you say with confidence, ‘my mother-in-law is controlling and manipulative’? <\/span><\/p>\n Recognizing is the first step. The next question we need to answer is how to deal with a manipulative mother-in-law.<\/span><\/p>\n If you want to adjust your way, you need to understand why she is treating you this way. <\/span><\/p>\n Understanding is not an excuse for her behavior. It’s to give you clarity and guide your actions.<\/span><\/p>\n Although it won’t always be possible, try to recognize and then avoid triggers. Does she become especially difficult around the holidays? What topics is she sensitive about?<\/span><\/p>\n Learn what can make her turn into a monster-in-law, avoid the triggers, and, if not possible, have an escape plan.<\/span><\/p>\n It’s the same for a manipulative mother-in-law as is with anyone else. Her words say nothing about you and everything about her. <\/span><\/p>\n When you can see her words as a reflection of her, you can manage your emotional reaction easier.<\/span><\/p>\n When she is trying to bait you into an emotional battle, try some <\/span>conflict resolution<\/span><\/a> and de-escalation techniques. You will still feel angry, but you will react with more control. <\/span><\/p>\n Thus, have much less mess to deal with after the fights.<\/span><\/p>\n Don’t be the one to start a fight, but if she becomes disrespectful or dismissive, be ready to defend your standpoint. You may say that you can see what she is suggesting, but you prefer to do it another way. <\/span><\/p>\n Stand your ground, but don’t explain yourself too much to avoid looking overly defensive and give her more material to pick on you.<\/span><\/p>\n What is allowed in your household? Can she enter without knocking? Can she teach your children differently than you allow? Can she drop by unannounced? <\/span><\/p>\n Verbalize the boundaries, and stick to them. For this step, you will probably need to discuss and agree with your spouse on them so you can enforce them together.<\/span><\/p>\n This doesn’t mean you call him every time there is a problem between you two. <\/span><\/p>\n You will need to handle some of the fights on your own with the manipulative mother-in-law because he might not yet be ready to see her the same way you do. <\/span><\/p>\n Take a step-by-step approach to open his eyes and get his help. If you don’t want to be the bad person in his eyes, talk about your needs, not her actions. <\/span><\/p>\n Try reflecting on how you feel when she does something without labeling her or her actions.<\/span><\/p>\n She is your mother-in-law, not your mother. And even if she were your mom, you would need distance at times. <\/span><\/p>\n So, allow your spouse to keep visiting when they want, but also permit yourself not to join him as much.<\/span><\/p>\n One of the reasons she wants to tear you down is to remain the priority in your spouse’s life. Every time you are fighting her, you are not fighting for him and your relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n Focus on <\/b>building the marital bond<\/b><\/a> and satisfaction. <\/b><\/p>\n If you need to vent, opt to do it sometimes with girlfriends or a therapist, keep your relationship away from the mother-in-law toxicity.<\/span><\/p>\n At first, you might have tried to make things perfect so you can finally get her approval. Unfortunately, that never came, and now you wonder what you did wrong. <\/span><\/p>\n For as long as you aspire to get her endorsement, she will have something over you. In the carrot and stick metaphor, approval works as the carrot.<\/span><\/p>\n Don’t take her not being able to change as a reflection on you and your efforts. <\/span><\/p>\n If you have tried to mend the fence as much as you could, remember there is nothing else you can do. She is how she is because of her, not you. <\/span><\/p>\n Manipulative mother-in-law won’t change unless she decides to. <\/b><\/p>\n<\/span>Why do mothers-in-law tend to control?<\/span><\/h2>\n
Related Reading:<\/i><\/b> Tips on Dealing with Disrespectful In-Laws<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
<\/span>Signs and traits of a manipulative mother-in-law<\/span><\/h2>\n
Comparing and demeaning you <\/strong><\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>
Always knows better<\/strong><\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>
The negative method decreases when others are around<\/strong><\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>
Using her emotions to get her way<\/strong><\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>
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<\/p>\nNo space for privacy or personal decision<\/strong><\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>
Related Reading: <\/i><\/b>How to Manage Your Relationship With in-Laws<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
<\/span>20 ways to deal with a manipulative mother-in-law<\/span><\/h2>\n
1. Understand her motives<\/b><\/h3>\n
2. Avoid triggers<\/b><\/h3>\n
3. Detach from her comments<\/b><\/h3>\n
4. De-escalate fights<\/b><\/h3>\n
5. Never start a fight, but be ready to stand firm<\/b><\/h3>\n
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<\/p>\n6. Outline and stick to the boundaries<\/b><\/h3>\n
7. Involve your partner<\/b><\/h3>\n
8. Take a break from the relationship<\/b><\/h3>\n
9. Focus on building relationships with your spouse<\/b><\/h3>\n
10. Give up the need to please<\/b><\/h3>\n
11. Accept she won’t’ change<\/b><\/h3>\n
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