{"id":58023,"date":"2020-03-23T05:49:22","date_gmt":"2020-03-23T05:49:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/when-you-have-an-unsupportive-partner\/"},"modified":"2026-04-14T12:16:29","modified_gmt":"2026-04-14T12:16:29","slug":"when-you-have-an-unsupportive-partner","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/when-you-have-an-unsupportive-partner\/","title":{"rendered":"7 Things to Do When You Have an Unsupportive Partner"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-16280 size-full\" title=\"7 Things to Do When You Have an Unsupportive Partner\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/things-to-do-when-you-have-an-unsupportive-partner-1605787002.jpg\" alt=\"Young Couple Quarrels In The Kitchen Man African American And Woman\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><b>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m not talking to you&rdquo;<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><i><b>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s happened?&rdquo;<\/b><\/i><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><b>\/ silence \/<\/b><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><b>&ldquo;What have I done?&rdquo;<\/b><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><b>\/ silence \/<\/b><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><b>&ldquo;Can you explain what has offended you?&rdquo;<\/b><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><b>\/ silence \/<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><b>&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t talk to you anymore, you are punished, you are guilty, you have offended me, and it is so unpleasant and painful for me that I close for you all the ways to forgiveness!<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b>&ldquo;Why do I work on our relationship and they don&rsquo;t?<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b>Why do I step forward and they just sit on top of their principles and resentment, ignoring the relationship needs?&rdquo;<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When emotional access to your partner is closed, when they are no longer tuned into you, when they just ignore you and the problem itself, you feel completely helpless, lonely, abandoned, and rejected by an unsupportive partner.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You may feel disregarded and angry, and experience the inability to express directly, the sense of emptiness, and disrespect.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And if your parents also used to give each other the silent treatment during the conflicts and arguments, being an unsupportive partner to each other instead of <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/how-to-make-a-relationship-work\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">working things out in a relationship<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> when you were a child, you can get confused, anxious, and even panic.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Silent-treatment-versus-shouting-matches\"><\/span>Silent treatment versus shouting matches<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-16281 size-full\" title=\"Silent treatment versus shouting matches\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/silent-treatment-versus-shouting-matches-1605787003.jpg\" alt=\"Unhappy African American Couple Having Argument Over Home Bedroom\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I don&rsquo;t talk to you <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&rarr;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> I ignore you <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&rarr;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> You just don&rsquo;t exist.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I scream and shout <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&rarr;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> I am angry <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&rarr;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> I see you and I react to you <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&rarr;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> You exist.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This scheme does not mean that you have to replace the silence with hysterical cries and consider it as work on your relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">However, it does mean that the<\/span><b> silent treatment is often much worse than anger, shouting, quarrels, and arguments.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As long as you exchange the emotions &ndash; no matter if they&rsquo;re positive or negative &ndash; you somehow remain <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/emotional-intimacy\/how-to-connect-emotionally-with-your-partner\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">connected with your partner<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As long as you keep speaking &ndash; no matter if your dialogues are I-centred or follow the rules from psychological books &ndash; anyway, you keep communicating.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Thus, it&rsquo;s essential to be mutually involved in the problem. But what if your partner won&rsquo;t work on your relationship? What if you have an unsupportive partner- a wife or husband who refuses to communicate.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, how to fix your relationship?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Here are 7 steps you can take to encourage your unsupportive partner to invest their time and effort into your relationship:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>When husband refuses to communicate about problems<\/b><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1-Make-sure-they-also-know-about-the-problem\"><\/span>1. Make sure they also know about the problem<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-16282 size-full\" title=\"Make sure they also know about the problem\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/make-sure-they-also-know-about-the-problem-1605787003.jpg\" alt=\"Sad African-american Couple After Negative Pregnancy Test Result\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It may sound absurd but your partner might even not know about the problem you see in the relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Remember, that we&rsquo;re all different and some things can be unacceptable for one but absolutely normal for another.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Bear their system of values, mentality, and worldview in mind and go to step 2.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2-Admit-your-share-of-guilt\"><\/span>2. Admit your share of guilt<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It takes two to tango &ndash; you are both responsible for the problem that arose.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, before starting to voice your list of complaints, <\/span><b>admit your bigger or smaller share of guilt too.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Say to them: &ldquo;I know I&rsquo;m imperfect. I admit I&rsquo;m sometimes self-centered\/rude\/work-oriented. Can you tell me some other things that hurt you? Can you make a list of my flaws?&rdquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is the first step to intimacy, awareness, and <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/30496211_Trust_in_Intimate_Relationships_The_Increased_Importance_of_Embeddedness_for_Marriage_in_the_United_States\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">trust in your relationships<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Only after you begin working on your own flaws and your partner notices that, you can ask them to correct their <\/b><a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC4050663\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><b>behavior<\/b><\/a><b> too<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and present your list of concerns.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/alWmdMHzkPM?si=qcosZ_RXglqUh3XD\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><span data-mce-type=\"bookmark\" style=\"display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;\" class=\"mce_SELRES_start\">&#65279;<\/span><\/iframe><\/p>\n<div class=\"subscribeYT_highlight\"><div class=\"subscribe_channel\">\r\n            <div class=\"subscribe_text\">Join millions <span class=\"sub_text1\">building healthier, happier<\/span> <span class=\"sub_text2\"> relationships.<\/span><\/div>\r\n            <a class=\"subscribe-btn-in-content\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/@Marriagedotcom?sub_confirmation=1\" target=\"_blank\">\r\n            <img src=\"\/images\/youtube_icon_small.png\" class=\"icon-left\" alt=\"YouTube\">\r\n            <span>Subscribe<\/span>\r\n            <img src=\"\/images\/bell_icon_new.svg\" class=\"icon-right\" alt=\"Extra Icon\">\r\n            <\/a>\r\n        <\/div><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3-Use-your-tongue-and-say-it\"><\/span>3. Use your tongue and say it<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Most people can&rsquo;t ask and speak out. They are full of illusions that their partner can guess their thoughts and moods intuitively.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">However, playing a guessing game is the worst <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/how-to-solve-repetitive-marital-conflicts\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">way to solve a conflict<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> or to make them any good. It often ends up making one feel that they have an unsupportive partner.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It&rsquo;s not enough to share your problem. It&rsquo;s also necessary to say what exactly your partner can do to help you:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">DON&rsquo;T: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m sad&rdquo; (cries)<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, what should I do?<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br><\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">DO: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m sad. Can you give me a hug?&rdquo;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">DON&rsquo;T: &ldquo;Our sex is getting boring&rdquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">DO: &ldquo;Our sex is getting boring sometimes. Let&rsquo;s do something to spice it up? For example, I saw&hellip;&rdquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4-Make-sure-they-don%E2%80%99t-misunderstand-you\"><\/span>4. Make sure they don&rsquo;t misunderstand you<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How to be listened and heard?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How to make sure that they understand you correctly and how they feel about it?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Try this technique:<\/span><\/p>\n<ol><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><b>Choose a proper time and place for your conversation<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Relaxed atmosphere and good mood are perfect.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><b>Ask them if they are ready to talk<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><b>Tell all your worries in an I-centred format<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">: &ldquo;I feel offended because&hellip; That action of yours reminded me of&hellip; I want you to do&hellip; It will make me feel&hellip; I love you&rdquo;<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now ask them what they&rsquo;ve heard and understood. Let them retell what you&rsquo;ve said. You can be very surprised to find out at this stage that an unsupportive partner can completely misinterpret all your words.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You say: &ldquo;<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/making-time-for-you-and-your-spouse\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Can you spend more time with me<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">?&rdquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They hear: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m offended and I accuse you of spending too much time at work&rdquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But you didn&rsquo;t actually say and didn&rsquo;t mean it!<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"5-Take-some-time\"><\/span>5. Take some time<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">After an argument or after a discussion of your problem, take some time to calm down, think it over, and not to say something offensive.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The solution often arises from a random thought.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"6-Ask-for-professional-help\"><\/span>6. Ask for professional help<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-16283 size-full\" title=\"Ask for professional help\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/ask-for-professional-help-1605787003.jpg\" alt=\"Man Hand Shake With Expert And Both Are Smiling\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In order to see the situation from another side, learn to understand yourself, to be attentive to your partner&rsquo;s feelings, to find out the way and the roots of a problem.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC3490822\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Seek professional help<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to be able to work on your relationship together, even if both of you, or either of you feel you have an unsupportive partner.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"7-Love-your-problems\"><\/span>7. Love your problems<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don&rsquo;t be afraid to admit you have problems in your relationship. <\/span><b>There is no point pretending everything&rsquo;s alright.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Any problem is a <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/signs-you-should-take-relationship-to-next-level\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">signal your couple is going up to another level<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> &ndash; and it&rsquo;s time to act to do this transition, it&rsquo;s time to answer the urgent question and go out of your comfort zone.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Having a problem doesn&rsquo;t make you bad &ndash; it makes you evolve as a couple.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Wife refuses to work on marriage<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Here are some more tips on how to make your relationship work and involve you both to the tango:<\/span><\/p>\n<ol><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don&rsquo;t jump to conclusions. Better ask them in a neutral tone: &ldquo;What do you mean&hellip;? Do you want to say that&hellip;? Let&rsquo;s discuss it&hellip;&rdquo;&nbsp;<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don&rsquo;t take it out on your partner. There is no need to trample them in with the dirt. The pain you cause will gradually wash out the warmth from your relationship.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Talk. When drinking tea, in bed, while washing the floor, after sex. <\/span><b>Discuss everything that bothers you.&nbsp;<\/b><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don&rsquo;t rush into a whirlpool of your relationships. <\/span><b>Respect your private space and give some freedom to your partner. <\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A separate business, or hobbies, or friends are a good way to avoid <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/overcoming-codependency\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">unhealthy codependency<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&nbsp;Don&rsquo;t slam the door shouting &ldquo;I&rsquo;m leaving&rdquo;. It will make some effect on your partner only the first couple of times.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Boyfriend-doesn%E2%80%99t-meet-your-needs\"><\/span>Boyfriend doesn&rsquo;t meet your needs<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Is it always worth working on a relationship?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What are the signs it&rsquo;s time to leave when your partner doesn&rsquo;t meet your needs?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sometimes, it isn&rsquo;t worth working on a relationship even when you still love each other.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you understand that the vectors of your development follow different directions, you can make a common reasonable decision to<\/span><b> give each other a chance to be happy<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, but with other people and in other places<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sometimes, it can be obvious that you have got no more strength to fight for this. Or no more desire to be with an unsupportive partner. Or there is nothing left to fight for.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Decide on what your negotiables in a relationship are. Is it okay if they:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul><li><b>don&rsquo;t pay attention to you?<\/b><\/li>\n<li><strong>shout at you or insult you?<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>spend lots of time with same-sex &ldquo;just friends&rdquo;?<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>don&rsquo;t hear you and don&rsquo;t talk to you?<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>don&rsquo;t answer your questions?<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>disappear for several days and say they were just busy?<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>say &ldquo;I can&rsquo;t live without you&rdquo; and after a while &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t need you&rdquo;?<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>spend time, chat, and sleep with you but don&rsquo;t talk about your relationship?<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>comment on your appearance, feelings, emotions, hobbies, decisions in an offensive manner?<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Instead of asking these questions, answer another one. Is it ok for me?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If it&rsquo;s ok for you &ndash; follow our tips and fight for your relationships. If it&rsquo;s not ok for you &ndash; just leave.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false,"raw":""},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m not talking to you&rdquo; &ldquo;What&rsquo;s happened?&rdquo; \/ silence \/ &ldquo;What have I done?&rdquo; \/ silence \/ &ldquo;Can you explain what has offended you?&rdquo; \/ silence \/ &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t talk to you anymore, you are punished, you are guilty, you have offended me, and it is so unpleasant and painful for me that I close for you all the ways to forgiveness! &ldquo;Why do I work on our relationship and they don&rsquo;t? Why do I step forward and they just sit on top of their principles and resentment, ignoring the relationship needs?&rdquo; When emotional access to your partner is closed, <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":801,"featured_media":58024,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2502],"tags":[2601],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58023"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/801"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=58023"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58023\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":119764,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58023\/revisions\/119764"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/58024"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=58023"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=58023"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=58023"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}