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Most of us have been on the receiving end of emotional blackmail at some point in our relationship history.<\/span><\/p>\n Sometimes we were more aware of it; other times, we didn’t see it depending on how obvious the manipulation was. One thing is for sure; it feels miserable to be a victim of blackmail.<\/span><\/p>\n You can employ methods to handle the situation once you recognize the signs. Before we move on to spotting the signals and finding ways to deal with the blackmail, let’s first define what is emotional blackmail. <\/span><\/p>\n Emotional blackmail is a form of dysfunctional dynamic that happens in some close relationships where a person uses various forms of manipulations to get you to do what they want.<\/span><\/p>\n A person trying to emotionally blackmail you will instill feelings of anger, fear, or guilt to get you to comply with what they want when they want it.<\/span><\/p>\n Emotional blackmail in relationships can be more or less subtle and appear as withholding of affection, disappointment, or even slight changes in body language and tone of voice.<\/span><\/p>\n Regardless of the types of emotional blackmail, one thing in common with all emotional blackmailing tactics is the element of threat – if you don’t comply, there will be consequences.<\/span><\/p>\n Emotional blackmail is a form of interaction that happens whenever a close person seems to use our fears, secrets, weakness, or vulnerabilities to gain something they desire. They leverage what they know about us so we would fulfill their needs.<\/span><\/p>\n An individual can adopt either of the following tactics or a combination of them to emotionally blackmail their partner:<\/span><\/p>\n As the name suggests, in this kind of emotional blackmail step, an individual implores different forms of punishment or threats of punishment as a way to get what they want.<\/span><\/p>\n Withholding affection, threats of<\/span> ending the relationship<\/span><\/a>, putting restrictions on their partner, anger, silent treatment, and even physical punishments and abuse.<\/span><\/p>\n Here the manipulation happens by using guilt or the suggestion of possible guilt to instill fear.<\/span><\/p>\n Threats of self-harm, blaming their partner for their problems and difficulties are some common threats used to trigger gear in others.<\/span><\/p>\n A sufferer holds their hopelessness over their partners’ heads to get them to do what they need.<\/span><\/p>\n They blame their problems due to their partner’s actions and threaten them that if they don’t do what they need, it will only add to the suffering.<\/span><\/p>\n They depend on fear, obligation, and guilt to get what they want.<\/span><\/p>\n A tantalizer uses compensations or rewards to get something from you, but each time you pass one obstacle, there’s another waiting and you just can’t keep up.<\/span><\/p>\n Promising some sort of remuneration, especially something that you need or desire, however, their promises rarely ever materialize.<\/span><\/p>\n Now that we have defined what is emotional blackmail, we need to shed some light on how to recognize it.<\/span><\/p>\n It is not always easy to spot it, especially when the person attempting to manipulate is sophisticated and socially intelligent.<\/span><\/p>\n Signs of emotional blackmail might not be evident immediately, so you could be blackmailed and not be conscious of it.<\/span><\/p>\n Familiarizing ourselves with the signs of emotional blackmail can be a measure of protection. Let’s study some of the most common signs and examples of emotional blackmail in relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n Do they blame you and avoid taking accountability for their actions?<\/span><\/p>\n When in a relationship with a person who is emotionally blackmailing you, everything that goes on in the relationship or their life becomes your responsibility.<\/span><\/p>\n Example: <\/b><\/p>\n Due to the blame-shifting for every little thing, you feel like you are constantly apologizing and needing to earn back their affection.<\/span><\/p>\n Even when you don’t feel like you should, they twist the situation around quite skillfully, so you think it is your fault and apologize to them.<\/span><\/p>\n When you are sorry for something, you need to earn back their affection, giving them the upper hand.<\/span><\/p>\n Example:<\/b> <\/span><\/p>\n Instead of constantly apologizing on your side, they do not genuinely regret their actions or make any changes. You can tell it is an empty justification they are providing because they are unwilling to back it up with actions.<\/span><\/p>\n Example:<\/b> <\/span><\/p>\n Have you ever tried to bring some of their errors to light? Have they turned the tables not only to make it seem like it was your fault but also make you appear illogical?<\/span><\/p>\n They always have a way to rationalize their unreasonable requests, and you end up being the crazy one if you dare question them.<\/span><\/p>\n Example:<\/b> <\/span><\/p>\n In the beginning, extortion can be more subtle, but it can become more apparent over time. <\/span><\/p>\n You begin doing anything you can so they would be pleased because your peace of mind is connected to their satisfaction.<\/span><\/p>\n Therefore you make more sacrifices than you might be willing because only when they are satisfied you can count on some harmony.<\/span><\/p>\n Example:<\/b> <\/span><\/p>\n Some of the more overt symptoms of emotional abuse involve threats to harm you, your close ones, or themselves.<\/span><\/p>\n Intimidating, you will get them what they want, so they might resort to this method if they feel nothing else is working.<\/span><\/p>\n Example:<\/b> <\/span><\/p>\n Grady Shumway<\/a>, LMHC, says<\/p>\n When faced with intimidation tactics, it’s important to assert your boundaries firmly and calmly, while also seeking to understand the underlying motivations behind their behavior. The number one item to always consider is, “Am I safe.”<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n When in a relationship with a person who is emotionally blackmailing you, you feel like there is no room for your voice and needs unless they are somehow tied to the satisfaction of their desires.<\/span><\/p>\n Example:<\/b> <\/span><\/p>\n Not only do you not feel heard, you feel you can’t say “no” or push back. Any type of firm boundary is met with disappointment, withdrawal of affection, or more obvious signals of blackmail such as treats.<\/span><\/p>\n Boundaries could prohibit them from getting what they need from you; therefore, you feel like standing up for yourself only makes things worse. When you try to push back, they often come after your sense of worth.<\/span><\/p>\n Example:<\/b> <\/span><\/p>\n Grady Shumway further adds,<\/p>\n Asserting boundaries involves clearly communicating your limits, needs, and expectations in a respectful yet firm manner.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n One of the most evident signals of emotional blackmail is the control they impose. If they were to lose it, they might lose everything they gain from you.<\/span><\/p>\n Therefore they will use fear, obligation, threats, and guilt to make sure you follow and obey.<\/span><\/p>\n Example:<\/b> <\/span><\/p>\n According to Susan Forward and Donna Fraizer of ‘<\/span>Emotional Blackmail<\/span><\/a>,’ emotional blackmail happens in a cycle. But they have identified six stages of emotional blackmail:<\/span><\/p>\n The person states more or less explicitly a request. Often they phrase it so it seems they are showing concern about you. However, they attempt to control you by seemingly caring for you.<\/span><\/p>\n Since this is something you are not inclined to provide, you refuse, as it is often quite an unreasonable demand. Your resistance could be direct or implied, like “forgetting” to do what they asked.<\/span><\/p>\n What distinguishes a person who is trying to emotionally blackmail you from someone who genuinely cares for you is how they react to your resistance. <\/span><\/p>\n In a<\/span> healthy relationship<\/span><\/a>, your partner will accept your refusal or try to find a solution that works for you. When it comes to emotional blackmail, you only receive more pressure or threats when you resist.<\/span><\/p>\n The blackmail itself can be <\/span>direct or indirect threats<\/span><\/a> that can lead to anxiety. Threats can be issued using words like:<\/span><\/p>\n At first, you don’t want to give in, but you also don’t want them to actualize their threats. Therefore, over time, you comply, and turmoil is replaced with peace and comfort.<\/span><\/p>\n When you eventually cave, you learn that it is easier to go along with their demand than protest. They learn what methods to use to exercise control more effectively. Hence the pattern is reinforced. <\/span><\/p>\n If you suspect you are being emotionally blackmailed, there are things you can do. Please note you should only follow this advice and confront the person if you feel safe doing so.<\/span><\/p>\n If you suspect you are being emotionally blackmailed, start by paying more attention to the <\/span>dynamic of your relationship<\/span><\/a>. If you want to solve a problem, you need to know what you’re dealing with.<\/span><\/p>\n Be careful not to misinterpret your partner’s need to restate some boundaries or advocate for their needs as blackmail. It is only blackmail when it involves pressure, control, and threats.<\/span><\/p>\n Not sure about whether you are dealing with emotional abuse? Make an effort to write down details related to the daily interactions that you have with your partner. Writing things down can help you see an abusive pattern with ease.<\/span><\/p>\n Journalling can also help you unravel the manipulative veil your emotional blackmail relationship may have placed on your senses. <\/span><\/p>\nRelated Reading:<\/i><\/b> How to Recognize and Handle Manipulation in Relationships<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
<\/span>What is emotional blackmail in a relationship?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
Related Reading:<\/i><\/b> 25 Examples of Manipulation in Relationships<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
<\/span>Types of emotional blackmail<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
1. The punisher<\/b><\/h3>\n
2. The self punisher<\/b><\/h3>\n
3. The sufferer<\/b><\/h3>\n
4. The tantalizer<\/b><\/h3>\n
Related Reading:<\/i><\/b> How to Cope With the Fear of Losing Someone You Love<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
<\/span>9 signs of emotional blackmail in relationships<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\n1. Being accused of everything negative that happens<\/b><\/h3>\n
2. Keeping you out of their good grace<\/b><\/h3>\n
Related Reading:<\/i><\/b> Why Is Accepting Responsibilities in a Relationship Important?<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
3. Lack of compromise or true apology on their end<\/b><\/h3>\n
4. Making you seem irrational for questioning them<\/b><\/h3>\n
5. Exhorting sacrifices from you for their happiness<\/b><\/h3>\n
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<\/p>\nRelated Reading:<\/i><\/b> How Important Is Sacrifice in a Relationship?<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
6. Intimidating you or threatening<\/b><\/h3>\n
7. Cosmetic concerns about your well-being<\/b><\/h3>\n
8. Setting boundaries is close to impossible<\/b><\/h3>\n
Related Reading:<\/i><\/b> Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
9. Controlling what you do<\/b><\/h3>\n
<\/span>6 stages of emotional blackmail<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
1. Demand <\/b><\/h3>\n
2. Resistance<\/b><\/h3>\n
3. Pressure<\/b><\/h3>\n
4. Threats <\/b><\/h3>\n
5. Compliance<\/b><\/h3>\n
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<\/p>\n6. Repetition<\/b><\/h3>\n
<\/span>10 tips for handling emotional blackmail<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
1. Recognize it for what it is<\/b><\/h3>\n
2. Write it all down<\/b><\/h3>\n