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Me: “You never take the garbage out!”<\/span><\/p>\n Husband: “That’s not true.”<\/span><\/p>\n Me: “You’re not listening to me!”<\/span><\/p>\n Husband: “Yes I am.”<\/span><\/p>\n Me: “Why don’t you ever cook dinner for me?”<\/span><\/p>\n Husband: “I do.”<\/span><\/p>\n These kinds of maddening little conversations happen all the time. It drives me crazy, partly because he’s right. His responses are technically accurate. It doesn’t matter that he’s cooked me dinner <\/span>twice<\/span><\/i> in the last year, it’s still a technically true response. But that’s not what really drives me nuts. It’s his defensiveness. Instead of agreeing with me, he’s defending himself. I don’t want to debate about the accuracy of my statement, I want two things: I want empathy and I want something to change.<\/span><\/p>\n I want him to say:<\/span><\/p>\n “I’m sorry I didn’t take the garbage out last night. I promise I’ll do it next week.”<\/span><\/p>\n and<\/span><\/p>\n “Oh, you’re not feeling heard, my love. I’m so sorry. Let me stop what I’m doing and come look in your eyes and listen to everything you have to say.”<\/span><\/p>\n and<\/span><\/p>\n “I’m sorry you feel burdened by cooking dinner for me most nights. I really appreciate your cooking. And how about if I cook dinner once a week?”<\/span><\/p>\n Ahhhh. Just thinking about him saying those things makes me feel better. If he said those things, I would feel loved and cared about and understood and appreciated.<\/span><\/p>\n Defensiveness is such a deeply ingrained habit, for all of us. Of course we’re going to defend ourselves, it’s as natural as putting your hands up to your face when something is about to hit it. If we didn’t protect ourselves, we would get hurt.<\/span><\/p>\n However, in a relationship, a defensive response isn’t helpful. It leaves the other person feeling disregarded, like what they just said was unimportant, untrue, or wrong. It erodes connection, creates more distance and is a dead end to the conversation. Defensiveness is the opposite of what really helps relationships stay on track: taking responsibility for one’s own actions.<\/span><\/p>\n John Gottman, arguably the world’s foremost expert on marital research, reports that defensiveness is one of what he calls “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” That is, when couples have these four communication habits<\/a>, the likelihood that they’ll get divorced is 96%.<\/span><\/p>\n