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Would you believe that infidelity is not the leading cause of divorce today? Neither is domestic violence!<\/span><\/p>\n Dr. Shirley Glass<\/a>‘ timeless research found that the main reason married couples cite for divorcing these days is — Finding it impossible to communicate.<\/span><\/p>\n Yes, communication in relationships is one of the most important factors in both healthy and unhealthy relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n Dr. John Gottman’s four decades of research on couples, also mentioned in his book titled “<\/span>Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/span><\/a>”, found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are huge predictors of relationship meltdown. These factors are also significant predictors of divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n Dr. Gottman refers to these four dynamics as the <\/span>Four Horsemen<\/span><\/a> of the Apocalypse.<\/span><\/p>\n When a partner uses any one of these four horsemen while trying to communicate with their significant other, there is no ability to constructively manage conflict.<\/span><\/p>\n It is perfectly fine for a partner to make a <\/span>complaint to their partner<\/span><\/a>. Yet being critical or contemptuous is not ok.<\/span><\/p>\n A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, while criticism attacks the other person’s personality or character, and this is not ok.<\/span><\/p>\n Critical statements frequently include the words “always” or “never.” Criticism frequently begins with “You are …”.<\/span><\/p>\n There is no such thing as constructive criticism because it is still criticism, and criticism is never constructive. Women are more frequently guilty of this horseman.<\/span><\/p>\n Contempt involves statements that come from a position of superiority and are condescending to the partner.<\/span><\/p>\n It is attacking the partner’s sense of self with an intent to insult or <\/span>psychologically abuse<\/span><\/a> the partner. It is an assault on the partner’s character.<\/span><\/p>\n Think of it as criticism on steroids or criticism plus belligerence. It also involves sarcasm, name-calling, and body language, such as eye-rolling.<\/span><\/p>\n Women are also more frequently guilty of this horseman, and it is the greatest predictor of divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n Defensiveness arises from the perceived need for self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood to ward off a perceived attack.<\/span><\/p>\n Many people become defensive when they are being criticized or feel contempt from their partner.<\/span><\/p>\n Defensiveness is a way of distancing the self and a way to change the topic or reverse the direction of the blame. Defensiveness is a way of <\/span>blaming your partner<\/span><\/a> and not owning a behavior.<\/span><\/p>\n Stonewalling<\/span><\/a> occurs when one partner emotionally or physically withdraws from the interaction to avoid conflict in efforts to convey disapproval, distance, and separation.<\/span><\/p>\n The partner emotionally leaves the conversation (gives the cold shoulder) or physically leaves the room, which leaves the other partner feeling abandoned and alone with the problem.<\/span><\/p>\n Men are more frequently guilty of this horseman.<\/span><\/p>\n Stonewalling often follows flooding. Flooding is the negative physiological intensity one feels during a conflict.<\/span><\/p>\n It’s the pounding heart, sweaty palms, dry mouth, dreadful feeling, headache, stomach ache, tight muscles, etc.<\/span><\/p>\n It’s the same as that physiological arousal you feel after a near-miss car accident or when you got in trouble at school and were called down to the principal’s office.<\/span><\/p>\n When the body senses it may be in danger, either psychologically or physiologically, the adrenal gland secretes the stress hormone cortisol, into the bloodstream.<\/span><\/p>\n When flooding occurs, effective and <\/span>open communication in a relationship<\/span><\/a> is nearly impossible as cortisol affects a person’s ability to listen effectively and make good decisions.<\/span><\/p>\n Here is the good news, there are strategies to improve communication in your relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n Each of the four horsemen has an antidote that will help each partner stay away from being critical, contemptuous, defensive, or engaging in stonewalling and improve relationship communication.<\/span><\/p>\nThe four horsemen<\/h2>\n
1. Criticism<\/h3>\n
2. Contempt<\/h3>\n
3. Defensiveness<\/h3>\n
4. Stonewalling<\/h3>\n
Strategies to improve communication<\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\n1. To avoid criticism<\/h3>\n