{"id":54317,"date":"2020-08-21T11:21:46","date_gmt":"2020-08-21T11:21:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=54317"},"modified":"2022-08-21T11:21:46","modified_gmt":"2022-08-21T11:21:46","slug":"how-to-nurture-true-intimacy-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/intimacy\/how-to-nurture-true-intimacy-in-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Going Beyond Love: How to Nurture True Intimacy in Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\"Sexy<\/p>\n

You may have struggled in a relationship and thought that the love between you is simply not enough to keep it together.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why isn’t love enough?<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Since childhood, little girls dream of falling in love and being swept away by Prince Charming. Little girls watch movies and have dreams of falling in love and living happily ever after.<\/span><\/p>\n

But what if love is not enough for a happy ending?<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

What if you’re really seeking is true intimacy instead?<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Think about why love wasn’t enough in your past relationships. I’m sure that <\/span>falling in love<\/span><\/a> was amazing, and you believed in your heart. This was the person of your dreams.<\/span><\/p>\n

The hope was to get married, have the white picket fence, and the whole kit and kaboodle. But for a variety of reasons, the <\/span>relationship fell apart<\/span><\/a>, and the love that was there, the love that convinced you this was it, was not enough.<\/span><\/p>\n

Let’s explore what love and intimacy are, why love is not enough, and why what you’re really wanting is true intimacy to make a relationship last for the long haul.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Types of love vs true intimacy<\/span><\/h2>\n

When it comes to <\/span>love, intimacy, and relationship, <\/span>there are 5 types of love.<\/span><\/p>\n

Friendship love<\/b>– A closeness with the absence of passion.<\/span><\/p>\n

Infatuation love<\/b>– Love at first sight. <\/span>Infatuation love<\/span><\/a> does not have any commitment or sexual contact.<\/span><\/p>\n

Romantic love<\/b>– A deep liking, a passion, and intimacy that may or may not have a commitment and is usually based on physical attraction.<\/span><\/p>\n

Agape love<\/b>– The perfect love of God. God’s love is unconditional, where nothing is needed from the recipient to be loved. You are loved and owe nothing back in return.<\/span><\/p>\n

And of course, there is the <\/span>type of love between parent and child.<\/b><\/p>\n

When referring to romantic love, the love we desire in a relationship, it is different than the agape love or parental love.<\/span><\/p>\n

Romantic love can start with infatuation but grows and matures beyond just a massive crush. Romantic love is fluid and can change. Love is a feeling and feelings can and do change over time. <\/span>Loving feelings create an energy and a zest for life, a sense you can take on the world and nothing can stop you.<\/b><\/p>\n

You seek love in your life in order to experience someone who really sees you and knows you.<\/span><\/p>\n

But that is not loved because over time, as you really do see someone, sometimes those loving feelings do change. I’ve thought I’ve been in love many times only to have those feelings change once I really got to know the person.<\/span><\/p>\n

Real romantic love, or what I refer to as true intimacy, is when you really know someone,<\/span> all parts of someone, the good, bad and ugly, and love them anyway.<\/b><\/p>\n

True intimacy and love are tightly entwined together, where one continuously feeds the other. The triangular theory of love is a great illustration of this dynamic.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>How the triangular theory of love creates true intimacy<\/span><\/h2>\n

\"Man<\/p>\n

Robert Sternberg describes a <\/span>triangular theory of love<\/span><\/a>. It includes intimacy, passion, and decision\/commitment.<\/span><\/p>\n

He describes<\/span> intimacy as a depth of knowledge, trust, being a true self without fear of rejection, a movement from <\/b>Me to We<\/b><\/a>, and a commitment.<\/b> He goes onto say that love is a verb and that love is a process.<\/span><\/p>\n

A process that I see as fluidly moving toward a depth of connection that creates safety and security in being known and loved. This is true intimacy.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>So, what is it to be fully known and fully loved?<\/span><\/h2>\n

It means being able to be vulnerable and not shamed with or by your partner. It also means your partner can reveal and expose their true self without shame from you. We all seek this depth of connection that comes from our first attachments beginning in infancy.<\/span><\/p>\n

The early childhood relationship with a caregiver shapes the development of the brain and lays the foundation for future relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n

Humans seek that same connection and sense of security that you hopefully received as a young child.<\/span><\/p>\n

Often there are wounds in those early attachments that get played out in our relationships. Nevertheless, that is the closeness you are seeking. <\/span>That level of care and security of being completely vulnerable and exposed gets met with assurance, validation, comfort, and care.<\/b> This<\/span> loving attachment<\/span><\/a> with a partner is what I call true intimacy.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>How to create intimacy in marriage?<\/span><\/h2>\n

\"Closeup<\/p>\n

There are two types of intimacy in marriage;<\/span><\/p>\n