![\"Upset](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/how-to-replace-the-need-for-external-approval-with-self-approval-essential-parenting.jpg\")
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The grocery store experience!<\/span><\/p>\n Your child has the psychological advantage in public places by virtue of the fact that you have a deeply ingrained need for external approval. There is an apparent lack of self-approval.<\/span><\/p>\n I am going to ask you to change now, which is what you have been asking your child to do. Can you look at this in a new way?<\/span><\/p>\n Look at it as a test for you to <\/span>develop emotional maturity<\/span><\/a> through self-valuing, self-approving, and self-identifying.<\/span><\/p>\n Picture it: everyone is standing around shooting you those dagger looks that make you want to crawl under the cashiers’ stand. You imagine them to be thinking, “Can’t he\/ she control his\/her child? I would swat my child if he\/she did that!”<\/span><\/p>\n Or something like, “I can’t believe he\/she hit that poor child… Why doesn’t he\/she DO something?”<\/span><\/p>\n Well, if you are thinking all that, you have abandoned yourself into the dark, depressing land of “the need for external approval.”<\/span><\/p>\n Self-abandonment is always painful, and you aren’t capable of <\/span>making a clear and loving decision<\/span><\/a> from this dark place. <\/span><\/p>\n I love the title of the book by Terry Cole-Whitaker, <\/span>What You Think of Me is None of My Business.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n You must develop your “external observer,”<\/b> that part of you that can sit outside of you and watch like a scientist looking down through a microscope into a Petrie dish.<\/span><\/p>\n Say to yourself, “Hmmm. This little kid appears to be very expressive, and this woman (or man) that I call ‘me’ appears embarrassed and now angry. How interesting.” And. prefer to respond, not react to your thoughts.<\/span><\/p>\n If you choose to act instead of reacting, you will come from a more empowered state. Come back to yourself and see what would be a loving thing to do or say to yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n It might be, “Well, I would like a hug right now.” So, give yourself a hug!<\/span><\/p>\n In my parenting group, we practice giving ourselves hugs and kisses so we can have one whenever we need one. See how it feels and give yourself a hug or a kiss right now.<\/span><\/p>\n Go on, no one is looking, and even if someone is, so what, and all the better if it is the children who see you doing it. This is the start of self-approval and acknowledgment.<\/span><\/p>\n You must learn to stay present with yourself, even under the scrutiny of onlookers, whether they be strangers or family.<\/b><\/p>\n If you continue to judge yourself by other peoples’ standards, you will be like a leaf blown around in the wind, and <\/span>your self-esteem will be shaky<\/span><\/a>. Plus, you will punish your child for embarrassing you; in other words, you will punish your child for your low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.<\/span><\/p>\n If you remove this chain from your neck, your child won’t be able to pull it.<\/span><\/p>\n Think how surprised your child would be if, instead of giving your power-up in a rage, you laid down on the ground next to them and quietly waited out the emotional expression, all the while sending the child a silent, “I love you, I see your fear, frustration and need for control.”<\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>Do not react to your thoughts instantaneously<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>The beginning of self-approval<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Young](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/the-beginning-of-self-approval.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/span>An act of self-approval<\/span><\/h2>\n