![\"Upset](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/rules-on-how-to-never-compromise-yourself-in-the-relationship.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Contrary to what we’ve been taught, the key to <\/span>dealing with conflict in relationships<\/span><\/a> doesn’t start with saying yes, giving in, or being kinder. The real art of compromise begins with not conceding.<\/span><\/p>\n With so many couples I see in my practice, they started out in their marriages by giving in to their partners, in the mistaken belief that love means pleasing your spouse. “<\/span>Happy wife, happy life<\/span><\/a>,” one chimes, while another might pride herself on being accommodating and flexible.<\/span><\/p>\n After a few years of trying to show love through capitulation, they are left empty and angry. Often, after this period of this false bliss, communication has devolved into fighting. Each side carries the feeling of, “It’s your way or the highway,” or “I’m not allowed to have needs.”<\/span><\/p>\n At this phase, the partners move into being very clear about what they want, but they’re no longer listening to what their spouse wants, for fear of having to give in. In other words, they started out too malleable, grew to be too tough, and now have lost the skills that allow people to live in the middle—speaking up for themselves honestly while also being loving.<\/span><\/p>\n The solution lies in taking a step back. Instead of finding a way to compromise yourself or jumping in to find a middle ground immediately, step one to resolving problems is to just let them exist. Don’t try<\/a> to find a solution yet.<\/span><\/p>\n Sitting with conflict doesn’t have to be passive, however. Instead, face each other and take turns having each partner state their needs completely, without caveat, without having to please the other or trying to hurt the other. After one has spoken, the other repeats what they heard, until each feels like their <\/span>partner fully understands<\/span><\/a> what they’re trying to say.<\/span><\/p>\n This is the hard work of relationships<\/a>. To let your partner feel heard, you have to:<\/span><\/p>\n This means <\/span>you hear<\/span><\/a> the entire story without interrupting or changing the subject. Most people find it hard to hear their partner’s anger or pain without getting defensive, but it’s extra important here not to insist your point of view is the right one.<\/span><\/p>\n Another common struggle is when one partner misinterprets the other and, instead of checking in and asking for clarification, simply responds with more resentment.<\/span><\/p>\n People either react in heightened ways, like rage and fear, or in shut-down ways, such as losing focus, or dissolving in tears. Try to breathe, sit, really hear them instead of making it about your feelings. You’ll have your chance to talk, too.<\/span><\/p>\n Have compassion and caring<\/span> for what your spouse is experiencing. Bring yourself back<\/a> to responding with love. At this moment, it isn’t about who is right. It’s about <\/span>being friends<\/span><\/a> who want each other to feel comforted.<\/span><\/p>\n The most important point in this exercise is that you don’t have to agree or compromise yourself. In fact, conflict resolution<\/a> is about learning how to lean into <\/span>not<\/span><\/i> agreeing with your partner, and to feel connected and loved anyway. It is about how you compromise in a relationship without changing yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n The final step—a crucial one for building connection—is to look for ways both of you can feel satisfied. It’s a way you compromise yourself and your partner does too. Here, each person gives up something, and each ultimately feels that they gained something. Ask your partner and yourself,<\/span><\/p>\n “What can I give in here, while not compromising myself or backing down on what I ultimately need?”<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n At this point, try not to give too much of yourself or compromise yourself. It’s still more important to sit with the discomfort of not knowing what the answer is, than it is to quickly resolve the problem without losing yourself in the relationship<\/a>. Conflict in and of itself is not toxic to relationships<\/a>. If you can find a way to hold and tolerate conflict while remaining loving, you will not need to compromise<\/a> yourself while keeping both your individuality and your sanity intact.<\/span><\/p>\n If possible, take a few more days to consider it. This is the work that professional mediators do every day, with far more formidable opponents than your partner. There is always a non compromising middle ground, and it is far easier to <\/span>negotiate<\/span><\/a> and find when all parties are calm and compassionate.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>1. Sit with the Problem<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>2. Active Listening<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>3. Negotiation<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Millennial](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/negotiation.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/span>4. Look at Your Partner’s Point of View<\/span><\/h2>\n