{"id":50554,"date":"2020-05-14T15:21:52","date_gmt":"2020-05-14T15:21:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=50554"},"modified":"2023-07-06T05:58:56","modified_gmt":"2023-07-06T05:58:56","slug":"how-to-deal-with-differences-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/how-to-deal-with-differences-in-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Deal with Differences in Relationships Constructively"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\"Thoughtful<\/p>\n

I always tell couples – it’s not a problem that you have differences in relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n

Differences in relationships are actually a good thing!<\/span><\/p>\n

Rather, it’s how the couple overcomes <\/span>incompatibility in relationships<\/span><\/a>, handles the differences and disagreements in relationships that matter.<\/span><\/p>\n

And to be clear, when I say differences, I don’t mean that one of you likes Thai food and the other prefers Indian food.  What I am referring to is <\/span>a <\/b>difference of perspective<\/b><\/a>, opinion, needs, etc.  This is when our differences really push our buttons!<\/b><\/p>\n

According to the <\/span>Developmental Model by Drs Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson<\/span><\/a>, there are<\/span> 2 common types of couples when it comes to managing differences in relationships.<\/b><\/p>\n

<\/span>Escalating<\/span><\/h2>\n

This is when<\/span> we blame, get angry, criticize our partner, insisting that we are right.<\/b>  And we believe that if our partner would just understand and agree with us, then it would be all good. Over time, <\/span>these patterns can lead to resentment, <\/b>unresolved issues<\/b><\/a>, and anger.<\/b><\/p>\n

<\/span>Conflict-Avoidant<\/span><\/h2>\n

This is when we just want to keep the peace, so we go along to get along.<\/b><\/p>\n

We cave in and don’t initiate tough topics, we are quick to agree because we don’t want to burden our partner, upset them, or cause an argument.  Over time, <\/span>these patterns can lead to boredom and just feeling like roommates.<\/b><\/p>\n

Both of the above types are common, but they just don’t work so well for the couples in a romantic partnership and only lead to more differences in relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>How to deal with disagreements in a relationship<\/span><\/h2>\n

\"A<\/p>\n

The greatest gift you can give your relationship is to <\/span>see, understand, and <\/b>validate one another<\/b><\/a>. <\/b> This will go a long way in beating differences in relationships, hollow.<\/span><\/p>\n

Its a core human need we all have.  The problem is that is so hard to do when we don’t agree with what we hear.  But of course, you won’t always agree, you are 2 different people.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here is an example of my own to share with you.  My husband and I were driving, and he was explaining a situation to me. When he paused I said,<\/span><\/p>\n

Michelle:  Is it alright if I tell you my opinion? <\/span><\/p>\n

My husband: Sure, sounds like you have it figured out.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pause. Did you feel that?<\/span><\/p>\n

Well, I did at the time, it felt like a sarcastic reply from him to me. I felt an immediate knot in my stomach. It would be easy to fire back, and I had in the past, but it was a pattern I was determined to change. So I decided to ask him a question instead.<\/span><\/p>\n

Michelle: Did you mean to be sarcastic in what you just said?  <\/span><\/p>\n

My husband: No I didn’t- I just meant it sounds like you have some thoughts to tell me about.<\/span><\/p>\n

I’m glad I asked.  It was difficult to ask a question while being triggered but I was given a great reward for my efforts.<\/span><\/p>\n

Also watch this video on how to deepen the connection with your spouse:<\/span>