

{"id":50462,"date":"2020-05-13T08:43:26","date_gmt":"2020-05-13T08:43:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=50462"},"modified":"2023-01-30T10:39:15","modified_gmt":"2023-01-30T10:39:15","slug":"working-with-a-relationship-therapist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/therapy\/working-with-a-relationship-therapist\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Tips for Choosing and Working With a Relationship Therapist"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-50469 size-full\" title=\"5 Tips for Choosing and Working With a Relationship Therapist\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/tips-for-choosing-and-working-with-a-relationship-therapist.jpg.jpg\" alt=\"Couples Taking Counseling With The Therapist In Her Office\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">While there are many approaches to therapy that can be effective, there is a basis in&nbsp;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">research for <\/span><b>the importance of a good alliance with the relationship therapist as a prerequisite for change and a strong predictor of outcomes<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> in all <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/therapy\/different-types-of-therapy-and-3-common-myths-associated-with-it\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">types of therapy<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/265168375_Client_as_expert_A_Delphi_poll_of_clients'_subjective_experience_of_therapeutic_alliance_formation_variables\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How clients feel about that alliance<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is the most important variable.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Clients-evaluate-the-therapeutic-relationship\"><\/span>Clients evaluate the therapeutic relationship<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When trying to find the right counselor, who can facilitate working through relationship problems, and provide effective therapy for relationship issues,<\/span><b> couples try to determine if they believe the therapist will be able to meet their needs.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A good therapist-client alliance is not only important at engaging clients in therapy, but it can also strengthen peoples&rsquo; ability to trust and form a sense of security with their own relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Some of the factors that have been shown in <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.research.lancs.ac.uk\/portal\/en\/publications\/the-experience-of-forming-a-therapeutic-relationship-from-the-clients-perspective(a5722f0b-c7b0-408c-b72f-d46d88439d93)\/export.html\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">research<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to help with therapeutic alliance&nbsp;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">are <\/span><b>both the therapist and clients&rsquo; willingness to be open and the clients&rsquo; sense of&nbsp;<\/b><b>feeling heard, understood, and respected.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Clients need to feel that the <\/span><b>relationship therapist sees them in a positive light and notices their strengths, offering encouragement rather than any kind of judgment or blame.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> This can be difficult when there are two or more clients and they are pitted against each other with differing views.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Most seasoned relationship therapists avoid an alliance with one client over the other<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> unless there are obvious problems that need to be addressed such as abuse or <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/save-your-marriage\/can-a-marriage-survive-drug-addiction\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">drug addiction&nbsp;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">impacting the relationship<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Clients, who have vastly different views on the &ldquo;problem&rdquo; who are both <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">seeking validation from the therapist<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, may be defensive about the relationship therapist validating both clients&rsquo; views in the room.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Build-a-trusting-relationship\"><\/span>Build a trusting relationship<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-50472 size-full\" title=\"Build a trusting relationship\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/build-a-trusting-relationship-between-the-therapist-and-both-parties.jpg\" alt=\"Couple Holding Their Hands\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The necessary willingness to be open can be challenged by one or both members not trusting one another or the therapist.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For this reason, it can help to understand at the outset that building a trusting relationship between the therapist and both parties is necessary, to allow clients to be patient in this process.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In one perspective, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/iceeft.com\/what-is-eft\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Emotion Focused Couples&rsquo; Therapy<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, <\/span><b>there is often one member of&nbsp;<\/b><b>the couple who feels they are in a hurt position and <\/b><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/therapy\/why-blaming-your-partner-wont-help\/\"><b>tends to blame<\/b><\/a><b>, while the other feels&nbsp;<\/b><b>criticized and tends to withdraw<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, then the withdrawing behavior becomes the focus of&nbsp;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">the blame and the cycle continues.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Also watch:<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/5tSEbFqkaTQ\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Both parties need to be able to trust the relationship therapist to de-escalate this cycle before the withdrawn person can feel safe to come forward and express their needs for love and acceptance, to be vulnerable.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This allows the withdrawer or seemingly least engaged person to be more emotionally engaged in therapy and with their partner and sometimes needs to happen before the relationship therapist can facilitate a <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/28988437\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">softening of the blaming<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is one example of why it is important to be ready for this alliance building and <\/span><b>not misinterpret the therapists&rsquo; empathy towards your partner as a betrayal of you<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> or your views or perception of the problems.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Perceptions-of-the-therapist-bear-a-strong-influence\"><\/span>Perceptions of the therapist bear a strong influence<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Finally, perceptions of the therapist are going to influence the readiness to follow any&nbsp;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">directions or value any interventions and hence an alliance is a necessary prerequisite&nbsp;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">to therapeutic change.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"How-to-find-a-good-couples-therapist\"><\/span>How to find a good couples therapist<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-50473 size-full\" title=\"How to find a good couples therapist\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/how-to-find-a-good-couples-therapist.jpg\" alt=\"Smiling Therapist Standing With Arms Crossed In Medical Office\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Here are some tips to help with the process of choosing and working with a relationship therapist.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Stay with us, if you are looking for answers to the pertinent questions related to relationships counseling, or how to find a therapist.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>1. Find someone<b> who understands and speaks to the importance of developing&nbsp;<\/b><b>rapport<\/b> in their description of how they work with clients.<\/p>\n<p><b>2. Choose a relationship therapist that you feel both parties can relate to<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, think of their&nbsp;<\/span>background, age, gender, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/therapy\/types-of-therapists\/\">how they tend to work<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Some people prefer a more structured approach, for example, and some a gentle, laid-back style. Find someone who can work with both parties.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>3. Ask the therapist after their intake or assessment what they perceive to be the<\/b><\/p>\n<p><b>goals<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and make sure they are in alignment with what you want for your relationship. Everyone should be working on an agreed-upon goal.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>4. Speak up, help participate in balancing the use of time in therapy.&nbsp;<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You cannot&nbsp;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">get what you want and need if you don&rsquo;t give it a voice. <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/therapy\/therapeutic-relationship\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Therapeutic process&nbsp;<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">should involve ongoing consent. Know what you are doing there and why. Don&rsquo;t&nbsp;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">be afraid to ask.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>5. Trust yourself<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.&nbsp;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you don&rsquo;t feel heard, understood and respected find another relationship&nbsp;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">therapist. Many clients give up after one session because of poor fit between the therapist and the client(s) while most therapists think they have formed adequate rapport with their clients.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We are not good at evaluating alliance but you are, and not all therapists are a good match for all couples.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don&rsquo;t give up on seeking a definite answer to, &ldquo;<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/counseling\/how-does-counseling-work\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">how does counseling work<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&rdquo;, if it doesn&rsquo;t work out once, choose someone else who may be better suited to your needs and personalities.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Make sure the relationship<\/span><b> therapists you are considering are trained in couples&rsquo; work.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marquette.edu\/counseling-center\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Healthy relationships are sacred<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Connecting with your therapist or marriage counseling services is critical in the process of reconnecting to your partner.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Choose wisely and trust your experience, while choosing a marriage counselor or deciding upon a relationship therapist.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false,"raw":""},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>While there are many approaches to therapy that can be effective, there is a basis in&nbsp;research for the importance of a good alliance with the relationship therapist as a prerequisite for change and a strong predictor of outcomes in all types of therapy. How clients feel about that alliance is the most important variable. Clients evaluate the therapeutic relationship When trying to find the right counselor, who can facilitate working through relationship problems, and provide effective therapy for relationship issues, couples try to determine if they believe the therapist will be able to meet their needs. A good therapist-client alliance <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":320,"featured_media":50469,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[29],"tags":[2695],"class_list":["post-50462","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-therapy","tag-heal-your-relationship","has_thumb"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50462","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/320"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=50462"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50462\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":62402,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50462\/revisions\/62402"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/50469"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=50462"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=50462"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=50462"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}