{"id":50428,"date":"2020-05-13T05:32:11","date_gmt":"2020-05-13T05:32:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=50428"},"modified":"2026-03-24T05:02:49","modified_gmt":"2026-03-24T05:02:49","slug":"use-the-ego-in-relationships-for-transformation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/use-the-ego-in-relationships-for-transformation\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Use the Ego in Relationships for Transformation"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-50432 size-full\" title=\"How to Use the Ego in Relationships for Transformation\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/how-to-use-the-ego-in-relationships-for-transformation.jpg\" alt=\"Young Man Is Offering A Bunch Of Flowers To His Angry Girlfriend At Home\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><b>Is your relationship struggle calling you forth to receive more love<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When current <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.cdc.gov\/nchs\/fastats\/marriage-divorce.htm\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">divorce rate statistics<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> like the following tell a sad story when we are experiencing our own relationship struggles, it may be difficult to see a way out other than separation:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Almost 50% of all marriages in the USA will end in divorce or separation.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">60% of second marriages end in divorce.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">73% of all third marriages end in divorce.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">However, whilst many of these break-ups might be for the better, I am a great believer that a struggling relationship where there is no sign of abuse is often calling forth both partners into their next level of love and personal growth.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Also watch: 10 thoughts that can destroy a relationship<\/b><br><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/4V2tdV-I5Ps\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Our-ego-can-hold-us-back-from-the-love-we-want\"><\/span>Our ego can hold us back from the love we want<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Many of my clients come to me thinking that they are on the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/quizzes\/divorce-test-is-marriage-on-the-verge-of-separation-quiz\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">verge of separation<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> but soon begin to realize that their struggle is stemming from their fear of getting hurt, and this, in fact, is holding them back from creating the love they really want.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&ldquo;Our ego is scared to feel more love and thus will use many <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/intellectualtakeout.org\/article\/most-marital-difficulties-stem-one-thing-ego\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">cunning tricks to stop us<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> from opening ourselves up to the next level with our partner.&rdquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Communication-in-relationships\"><\/span>Communication in relationships<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-50433 size-full\" title=\"Communication in relationships\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/communication-in-relationships.jpg\" alt=\"Young Men And Women Talking Together\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><b>Unfortunately, none of us have been taught to communicate in such a way that it helps a relationship to grow and thrive in the long term.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Instead, we have received too many messages that encourage idealized notions of romance, which instill the belief that our partner is there to save or &lsquo;complete&rsquo; us.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As a result, we often put so much<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/counseling\/consequences-of-perfectionism-on-relationships\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> pressure on our partner to be that perfect<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> man or woman, just like in the movies. We make them responsible for the way we feel and, in doing so, hold a metaphorical gun against their head, which says, &lsquo;YOU made me feel like this.&rsquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&ldquo;Whilst our partner can trigger us in so many ways, we are ultimately responsible for our own well-being.&rdquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When we do not take full responsibility for our own feelings, behaviors, and responses &amp; continually blame or criticize our partner, we are essentially allowing the ego in relationship to &lsquo;run the show.&rsquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Our inability in letting go of ego in relationship <\/span><b>can have many detrimental effects<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and is usually a recipe for much unhappiness.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">On the other hand, once your free yourself from your ego and take full responsibility &amp; choose to show up with integrity, honesty, and <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/communication\/open-communication-in-marriage\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">openness in your communication<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, you pave the way for what I call a &lsquo;real&rsquo; relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In this type of partnership, we feel accepted for who we are, and we do not have to hide out of fear. To feel this amount of <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/freedom-in-relationships\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">freedom in love<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is truly liberating!<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Ego-problems-in-a-relationship\"><\/span>Ego problems in a relationship<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><b>Our ego in relationships is usually the voice in our head that likes to tell us stories of doom and gloom.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For example, it may tell you that your partner is not good enough; that he needs to be more passionate or more dynamic; that she is too controlling or negative.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The ego in relationship likes to talk in absolutes and does not think to focus on the commendable aspects of your partner&rsquo;s character.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.prweb.com\/releases\/fragile_ego_trip_new_study_reveals_factors_behind_control_issues_in_relationships\/prweb15906327.htm\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">research<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> analyzed data from 3,279 people, who took their <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/testyourself.psychtests.com\/testid\/2859\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Relationship Attachment Style Test<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and indicated that our fragile ego&rsquo;s mask our desperate desire to feel valued and loved.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you are not careful, this ego in relationship can soon start to persuade you that you should find someone else who would be a far more exciting match!<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As a result, it is often easier to jump ship from your relationship than stay and <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/living-in-fear\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">face your fears<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> around opening to more love and overcoming ego.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The ego is the primitive part of us that lives in fear. It is addicted to fear-based thinking and does not know how to live in any other way.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One of its most destructive patterns of behavior is to continually project our own weaknesses or faults onto our partner.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This allows us to <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/dealing-with-rejection\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">protect ourselves from possible rejection<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> or feelings of abandonment by continually blaming or looking for fault outside of ourselves. This certainly does not create the environment conducive to a healthy, connected, and loving relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Putting the ego&rsquo;s potentially destructive behavior to good use can, however, take a relationship that once seemed destined to failure, onto a whole new level of connection and love.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Using-ego-in-relationships-for-transformation\"><\/span>Using ego in relationships for transformation<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-50434 size-full\" title=\"Using ego in relationships for transformation\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/using-ego-in-relationships-for-transformation.jpg\" alt=\"Angry Frustrated Husband Ignoring Wife, Avoiding Looking At Her Or Talking After Serious Quarrel,\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<ol><li><b> Take back your projection<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Wherever you are thinking, I wish my partner was more or less of something; this is an opportunity to ask yourself the same question and therefore take back your projection.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For example, if you are thinking, &lsquo;I wish my partner was more passionate,&rsquo; ask yourself &lsquo;where in my life could I be more passionate or interesting?&rsquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/mental-health\/build-a-happy-marriage\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Taking back our projection<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> does not mean there is no truth in what the ego in relationship is saying, but it does mean that we should be less quick to point the finger of blame.<\/span><\/p>\n<ol start=\"2\"><li><b> Appreciate the good in your partner<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Our ego in relationships tends to over-focus on what is not working or where your partner is not meeting your needs.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This can be an opportunity to start appreciating the good aspects of your relationship and all the things that you may tend to <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/romance\/dont-take-your-spouse-for-granted-four-things-to-say\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">take for granted<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<ol start=\"3\"><li><b> Express yourself<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you are feeling unloved or not heard or seen by your partner, this can be a great opportunity to speak your feelings or ask for what you want.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Of course, this means that we may have to take a risk in terms of expressing ourselves, and this is scary to the ego, but this is where our relationship is given the opportunity to grow.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I often encourage my clients to &lsquo;feel the fear and say it anyway&rsquo; from a position of full ownership. The more we can do this, the more we get to be true selves with our partner. This is the ultimate freedom in any relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<ol start=\"4\"><li><b> Give yourself attention and love<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you have a tendency to feel hurt or unloved by your partner, this is always an opportunity to take your attention away from them and what they are or are not doing and give yourself the love and care you want.<\/span><\/p>\n<ol start=\"5\"><li><b> Surrender to &lsquo;not knowing&rsquo;<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lastly, anywhere that you are &lsquo;waiting&rsquo; for your partner to step up shows that you have an attachment to them when acting in a particular way.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is a great place to start surrendering to not knowing if, how, or when your partner will respond.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Again, this is scary to our ego in relationships, as it does not like the unknown, but it helps to<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> give your relationship space<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to breathe.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In my experience, this also gives your partner the space to show up in their own unique way, which can be a wonderful surprise.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Taking-risks-pays-off\"><\/span>Taking risks pays off<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In my own personal experience and through my work with clients, we all have the capacity to give and receive much more love.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Of course, opening ourselves up to this does mean that we are taking a risk and one that might not work out if our partner does not show signs of wanting to meet us where we want to go.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">However, this all comes down to what you really want in your relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Would you rather be loved for the person you are and commit to exploring whether there is the opportunity for a greater love, or would you prefer to hide, stay quiet or move into blame each time you are faced with tension in your relationship?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>It is always worth remembering that the aspects of our relationship that we don&rsquo;t manage to heal in our current situation are generally going to be revealed again in our next relationship.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Committing to working through difficulties and being prepared to make mistakes whatever the outcome is always going to put us on the path of more love.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Taking risks in showing up in my own marriage has helped me create a &lsquo;real&rsquo; relationship, and this can be a beautiful thing. Relationships are precious, and I encourage you to stand by your own vision of what you really want in love.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false,"raw":""},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Is your relationship struggle calling you forth to receive more love When current divorce rate statistics like the following tell a sad story when we are experiencing our own relationship struggles, it may be difficult to see a way out other than separation: Almost 50% of all marriages in the USA will end in divorce or separation. 60% of second marriages end in divorce. 73% of all third marriages end in divorce. However, whilst many of these break-ups might be for the better, I am a great believer that a struggling relationship where there is no sign of abuse is <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":686,"featured_media":50432,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2502],"tags":[2605],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50428"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/686"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=50428"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50428\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":118820,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50428\/revisions\/118820"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/50432"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=50428"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=50428"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=50428"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}