{"id":48963,"date":"2020-04-15T11:03:47","date_gmt":"2020-04-15T11:03:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=48963"},"modified":"2023-04-29T07:40:39","modified_gmt":"2023-04-29T07:40:39","slug":"steps-to-fix-codependent-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/steps-to-fix-codependent-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"10 Healthy Steps to Fix a Codependent Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-48969 size-full\" title=\"10 Healthy Steps to Fix a Codependent Relationship\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/healthy-steps-to-fix-a-codependent-relationship.jpg\" alt=\"A Couple In A Codependent Relationship\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">While it is a sign of a healthy relationship to allow your partner to support you physically, mentally, and emotionally, the tide quickly turns unhealthy when we disconnect from our own ability to support ourselves and struggle at overcoming codependency.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A codependent relationship signifies unhealthy neediness and clinginess.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For a love bond to survive and thrive it is crucial to change a codependent relationship, stop subverting your own needs and sense of self-worth, and get back on an even keel with your partner.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For the same patterns that foster attachment and connectivity, when exaggerated, also lead us to being emotionally hostage within our relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">That&rsquo;s when one starts seeking help for codependency in a relationship, and breaking the cycle of a codependent relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">According to the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/experts\/sherry-gaba\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">experts on the subject of codependency in relationships<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, healing&nbsp; a relationship from codependency becomes an arduous process, as if left untreated, it gets worse over time.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We are left grappling with the questions, &ldquo;how to overcome codependency?&rdquo;, looking for different avenues that offer codependency help, so we can change a codependent relationship and not lose sight of ourselves.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In the process of blending two lives, there are spoken and unspoken agreements of how this plays out, and before you know it, it may seem more like one life being supported by two people.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Also, watch this:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/pU7jJBkP658\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you&rsquo;ve found yourself in these patterns of codependency, here are ten ways to re-establish healthy boundaries and fix a codependent relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>10 tips for overcoming codependency in relationships<\/b><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1-Question-your-intentions\"><\/span>1. Question your intentions<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Within codependency patterns, it is often the case that we have lost our way in <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/ways-to-make-a-strong-decision-together\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">decision making<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> within the relationship. <\/span><b>Ask yourself if your intentions are more for your benefit or your partner&rsquo;s.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When we find ourselves<\/span><b> constantly putting our partner&rsquo;s wants and needs ahead of our own<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, we become more prone to neglecting ourselves and building resentment towards our partner.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Understanding the intention behind our behaviors allows us a chance to <\/span><b>act from a place of empowerment, rather than react to the perceived feelings of our partner.<\/b><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2-Learn-to-identify-your-own-feelings\"><\/span>2. Learn to identify your own feelings<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-48970 size-full\" title=\"Learn to identify your own feelings\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/learn-to-identify-your-own-feelings.jpg\" alt=\"Thoughtful Concept Women\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><b>One of the most common dynamics within codependency is over-identifying with the feelings of our partner, and under-identifying with our own feelings<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Feelings provide a wealth of information and guidance.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, if we constantly pay more attention to the feelings of our partner, we more than likely are acting in a manner more serving and attentive to them, regardless of our own emotions.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The more we can identify our own feelings, the more we can begin to attend to our own needs and fix a codependent relationship.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3-Practice-spending-time-alone\"><\/span>3. Practice spending time alone<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Codependency patterns begin to develop when we start to use other people as a way to manage our own discomfort and emotions.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Not only do we need quiet time and space to identify our emotions, but <\/span><b>time spent alone is also necessary in developing trust that we can take care of ourselves and our emotions.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Just like any relationship, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/7-important-tips-to-build-trust-in-relationships\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">trust is built over time<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and our relationship with ourselves is no different. Give yourself time to get to know yourself outside of your relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4-Lean-into-the-discomfort\"><\/span>4. Lean into the discomfort<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As humans, <\/span><b>we are hard-wired to avoid pain and discomfort, which also leads us into fairly creative escape patterns.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But while humans are designed to avoid pain, the human experience is programmed to include it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When it comes to codependency, we can attempt to control our own experience, avoiding the awkward and uncomfortable, by overly focusing on and <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/mental-health\/taking-care-of-each-other\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">caring for our partner<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The old adage, &ldquo;if you&rsquo;re okay, I&rsquo;m okay.&rdquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Until we learn that we have the capacity and capability to manage the uncomfortable, we will continue to find ourselves in these patterns of avoidance.<\/b><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"5-Practice-making-decisions\"><\/span>5. Practice making decisions<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-48972 size-full\" title=\"Practice making decisions\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/practice-making-decisions.jpg\" alt=\"Pretty Young Woman Making A Decision With Arrows And Question Mark Above Her Head\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When we lose pieces of ourselves in a relationship, we also lose our ability to voice our wants and needs.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Allow yourself a chance to practice making decisions.<\/b><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Name the restaurant you want to go to for dinner.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Say &ldquo;no&rdquo; to the latest invitation.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In giving yourself a chance to make such decisions, you&rsquo;ll gain more awareness of yourself, and more confidence in your ability to use your voice.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"6-Allow-space-for-confrontation\"><\/span>6. Allow space for confrontation<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Within patterns of codependency, <\/span><b>there is a theme of compliance to avoid confrontation. <\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We can become overly agreeable to the thoughts of our partner to keep from entering a disagreement that may be uncomfortable.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Not only can this be unhealthy, it can be incredibly unrealistic.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In two people coming together in a relationship, there are bound to be differences in opinions.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Giving yourself permission to disagree provides you an opportunity to let your partner know you, and provides your relationship an opportunity to <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Love-Codependency-Communication-Codependent-Relationship\/dp\/1506185827\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">learn how to communicate<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Confrontation, while perhaps unpleasant, is an important aspect of keeping relationships healthy.<\/b><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"7-Ask-for-help\"><\/span>7. Ask for help<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">While patterns of codependency can often look like an over-reliance on others, it is rare to hear assertive requests for support.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.reddit.com\/r\/Codependency\/comments\/7saf6k\/manipulative_codependent\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Codependency occurs when we manipulate partners <\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">into acting a certain way without intentionally voicing our needs or desires. However, it is not from a place of malicious intent but more from the need to facilitate a desired outcome.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In order to break this <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/coda.org\/meeting-materials\/patterns-of-recovery\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">passive communication pattern that fuels codependency<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, we must first practice asking for help.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Start off as small as you may need, perhaps asking your loved one to pass you a tissue, in order to develop a habit of openly letting requests for support be heard.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"8-Learn-to-say-%E2%80%9CNo%E2%80%9D\"><\/span>8. Learn to say &ldquo;No&rdquo;<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-48976 size-full\" title=\"Learn to say &ldquo;No&rdquo;\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/learn-to-say-no.jpg\" alt=\"Women Gesturing No Sign With Yellow Background Isolated Wall\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/fear-of-rejection\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Fear of rejection<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is one of the most prevalent fears underlying patterns of codependency.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In fearing rejection in a codependent relationship, we can develop a narrative that we must play a certain role in order to hold value within a relationship. This keeps us in a pattern of saying, &ldquo;yes,&rdquo; in order to maintain that role, regardless of our own needs.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If it is hard to say, &ldquo;no,&rdquo; within a relationship, then a &ldquo;yes,&rdquo; will always be undermined.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/counseling\/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-a-relationship\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Asserting healthy boundaries<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> requires an expansion of our role within a relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"9-Observe-yourself-through-the-eyes-of-a-loved-one\"><\/span>9. Observe yourself through the eyes of a loved one<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How would you feel if your closest friend, child, or loved one was in the relationship you have?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This question often provides great insight into the patterns within your relationship that are no longer serving you.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you would hate for someone you care about to hold your role within a relationship, what keeps you playing that role<\/span><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What would you hope for your loved one?<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How could you work to find that for yourself?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Allow yourself to expect the same for yourself as you would those you care about.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"10-Find-your-voice\"><\/span>10. Find your voice<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Rarely will relationships hold a true fifty\/fifty divide, but <\/span><b>patterns of codependency are fueled when one partner is continuously accepting less <\/b><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/let-there-be-some-space-in-your-relationship\/\"><b>space within the relationship<\/b><\/a><b>.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The more space you allow yourself to take up in the relationship, the more you also give yourself permission to use your voice and advocate for your own needs.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Give your partner an opportunity to know you better by making your voice heard. Unlike codependent relationships, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/top-characteristics-of-a-healthy-relationship\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">healthy relationships<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> are flexible enough to provide room for both partners.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false,"raw":""},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>While it is a sign of a healthy relationship to allow your partner to support you physically, mentally, and emotionally, the tide quickly turns unhealthy when we disconnect from our own ability to support ourselves and struggle at overcoming codependency. A codependent relationship signifies unhealthy neediness and clinginess. For a love bond to survive and thrive it is crucial to change a codependent relationship, stop subverting your own needs and sense of self-worth, and get back on an even keel with your partner. For the same patterns that foster attachment and connectivity, when exaggerated, also lead us to being emotionally <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":249,"featured_media":48969,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2502],"tags":[2601],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48963"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/249"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=48963"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48963\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":65482,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48963\/revisions\/65482"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/48969"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=48963"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=48963"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=48963"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}