![\"Beautiful](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/the-communication-mistakes-married-couples-make.jpg\" "\\"The")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
The survival of a long-term relationship depends largely on how well the couple communicates. Marriage and communication are inextricably linked. <\/span>Effective communication between spouses<\/span><\/a> is the key to any healthy relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n As time passes, it becomes all too easy to slip into unhelpful communication patterns, commit communication mistakes or to continue bad habits that began in the dating phase.<\/span><\/p>\n If you and your partner are struggling to connect, hitting the “7-year itch”, or otherwise finding it<\/span><\/p>\n difficult to communicate, read through this list of biggest communication problems together and identify any prevalent <\/span>communication issues<\/span><\/a> in marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n To learn how to communicate in a marriage<\/a>, read on about poor communication in marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n Covert contracts is one of the common communication mistakes<\/strong><\/p>\n When talking of communication mistakes, I can’t think of anything more detrimental to the health of a relationship than covert contracts.<\/span><\/p>\n In short, <\/span>a covert contract is an agreement you have with your partner that goes unspoken.<\/b><\/p>\n You assume they know about it, but it’s actually never been directly discussed.<\/span><\/p>\n A classic example is the guy who pays for dinner and expects sex, yet doesn’t directly say it.<\/span><\/p>\n One partner does something nice for the other, and then expects a reward for this. The reward is often specific and yet you don’t tell your partner.<\/span><\/p>\n When the partner doesn’t deliver their end of the secret agreement, they are punished with sulking, resentment, and withdrawal.<\/span><\/p>\n They “should just know,” right?<\/span><\/p>\n Wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n If you want your relationship to slowly be destroyed by resentment and confusion, then keep using covert contracts.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n If, however, you’d prefer to <\/span>have a healthy relationship<\/span><\/a>, then you must <\/span>let go of your attachment to the idea that your partner magically knows what you want and expect<\/b> through mind-reading, and instead you must tell them everything.<\/span><\/p>\n This will force each of you to directly make your desires known, allowing you to provoke helpful<\/span><\/p>\n confrontations about how reasonable your <\/span>expectations of each other are<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n Make it a rule: if you don’t ask for it directly, you can’t expect to receive it.<\/b><\/p>\n In any relationship, one partner will typically “give” more than the other at any given time.<\/span><\/p>\n This isn’t an issue by itself, if it evens out over time. However, <\/span>if one partner constantly invests more time, energy, honesty and love into a relationship than the other, the imbalance will cause huge friction<\/b> and can lead to cheating, breaking up, or at the very least an <\/span>unhealthy ongoing resentment<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n When it comes to communicating, which one of you is more likely to:<\/span><\/p>\n The best answer should be something like, “Overall, we’re about equal.”<\/span><\/p>\n If not, to counter common communication mistakes, identify who’s investing too much and who’s investing too little. Set actions to remedy this (hint: swap roles as to who usually leads or initiates).<\/span><\/p>\n The overinvestor must stop and make space for the underinvestor to step up their game.<\/b><\/p>\n Be prepared to provoke dark fears and issues, because how much you invest is often a consequence of much deeper issues (e.g. <\/span>overinvestors tend to be needy and fearful of abandonment,<\/b> while<\/span> uninvestors tend to fear being smothered or vulnerably intimate<\/b>).<\/span><\/p>\n In longer-term relationships, one of the most common communication mistakes is allowing complacency to steep in intimate relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n Complacency sets in and many couples don’t bother saying things they used to say a lot, e.g. how you feel about each other. It can seem unnecessary or repetitive.<\/span><\/p>\n Unfortunately, if you aren’t constantly expressing things – even if it means repeating yourself –<\/span><\/p>\n based on the assumption that your partner “already knows,” they may start to believe you’ve<\/span><\/p>\n changed your mind.<\/span><\/p>\n I stopped discussing marriage with my girlfriend for a while because she stopped bringing it up. I<\/span><\/p>\n figured we’d agreed that it would happen someday. Little did I know, in her mind she translated this to mean I no longer wanted to, and that she shouldn’t bring it up because she was scared it would aggravate me.<\/span><\/p>\n Thankfully, this just meant she was surprised when I did finally propose, but it was starting to make her quite anxious and could have caused major issues down the road.<\/span><\/p>\n Some things cannot be said enough. How you feel about each other.<\/span><\/p>\n What you like and dislike. What you want to do. Your thoughts on your sex life and other <\/span>intimacy issues<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n Your beliefs, life stories and day-to-day thoughts. Assume they don’t already know, even if you’ve said it before or implied it with your actions.<\/span><\/p>\n During <\/span>emotional confrontations<\/span><\/a>, many couples get intently focused on the details of what’s being discussed, without seeing the bigger picture. That’s one of the biggest communication mistakes spouses commit inadvertently in marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n If one of you is getting upset during a discussion or debate, the content no longer matters!<\/b><\/p>\n Your partner is not really upset about who does the dishes, or you hanging out with your friends, or even your political beliefs. Whatever you’re arguing about is not the main issue. Something else has been triggered by your disagreement, something that is usually hidden behind the scenes.<\/span><\/p>\n Whenever someone becomes upset during a conflict, put aside the topic (for now), and focus in on the feelings.<\/b><\/p>\n Something along the lines of, “I can see this discussion is getting heated. We can come back to our budgeting later, first let’s talk honestly about why this conversation about money is upsetting for us.”<\/span><\/p>\n After a while, you’ll feel an increasing urge to just keep the peace and avoid rocking the boat.<\/span><\/p>\n Couples like to slip into a comfortable, nice pattern of coexistence, and feel reluctant to bring up<\/span><\/p>\n anything that might shatter the harmony.<\/span><\/p>\n This seemingly helpful <\/span>avoidance of conflict<\/span><\/a> is a death-sentence for any relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n What seems like a “minor” issue (and therefore not worth the hassle of bringing up) will not go away if you just ignore it. Instead, it will fester and rot, and then combine with other minor issues you’ve avoided.<\/span><\/p>\n They all begin sticking together in one great big poisonous ball of bitterness, resentment, and a<\/span><\/p>\n sense of unfairness. And because no one issue is at fault, it becomes impossible to even figure out why you’re feeling so negatively toward the person you love.<\/span><\/p>\n If you feel mistreated by your partner, the most likely cause is not their actions but your<\/b><\/p>\n unwillingness to confront small aggravations.<\/b> Even if your <\/span>partner was abusive<\/span><\/a>, regular confrontation would either change the behaviour or end the relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n If you’re tolerating ongoing poor treatment, that’s on you pal.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Your partner doesn’t have to change themselves every time you’re slightly annoyed by their<\/span><\/p>\n behaviour, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bring it up every time. You need to let the pressure out. The point here is <\/span>honesty and openness<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n The <\/span>healthiest couples<\/span><\/a> have a few minor confrontations every week, just letting the steam out so<\/span><\/p>\n that nothing builds up.<\/span><\/p>\n They will then also have the insight to know the difference between something small and something major, because they discuss everything openly.<\/span><\/p>\n Avoiding small hassles only guarantees you’ll create a big one. Stop being a coward and get<\/span><\/p>\n uncomfortable for the sake of the relationship. You don’t need to “win,” but you do need to be<\/span><\/p>\n honest.<\/span><\/p>\n Wouldn’t it be great if loving each other was all you needed for a <\/span>great relationship<\/span><\/a>? Yeah. But it’s not.<\/span><\/p>\n Love and a relationship are two separate parts of a long-term connection.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Love will bring you together, but it’s the boundaries, agreements and rules of a relationship contract that will protect that love from going sour or <\/span>getting betrayed<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n I’ve seen many couples just kind of slide into a relationship. One day they’re dating, a few weeks later they’re officially exclusive, but no real discussion or agreement has been had about this transition. Even couples getting married often avoid discussing what difference this makes to how they’ll interact.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>Overinvesting vs underinvesting in relationship<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Assuming they already know<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Offended](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/assuming-they-already-know.jpg\" "\\"Assuming")
<\/p>\n<\/span>Debating the content and ignoring the feelings<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Avoiding upset and hassle<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Hoping love is enough<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Sad](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/hoping-love-is-enough.jpg\" "\\"Hoping")
<\/p>\n<\/span>Everyone just hopes that love will find a way<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Happy](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/testing-a-potential-long-term-partner.jpg\" "\\"Testing")
<\/p>\n