{"id":46317,"date":"2020-02-25T10:31:27","date_gmt":"2020-02-25T10:31:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=46317"},"modified":"2023-03-19T06:47:02","modified_gmt":"2023-03-19T06:47:02","slug":"what-does-it-take-to-save-a-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/save-your-marriage\/what-does-it-take-to-save-a-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"What Does It Take to Save a Marriage?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-46319 size-full\" title=\"What Does It Take to Save a Marriage?\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/What-Does-It-Take-to-Save-a-Marriage.jpg\" alt=\"What Does It Take to Save a Marriage\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We fall in love. We <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/marriage-preparation\/how-to-plan-your-wedding-ceremony\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">plan a beautiful wedding<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and a life together. We marry.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But at some point, we run into problems.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What started out as beautiful becomes tarnished. Suddenly, saving your marriage looks difficult.<\/span><\/p>\n<ol><li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We argue or fight<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We stop talking<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We pull back from each other emotionally and physically<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How do we bring the shine back to our marriages? Where do we go looking for &lsquo;saving my marriage&rsquo; advice?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you find in your heart and mind, the right reasons to save a marriage, look no further. The article highlights important steps to save your marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong>Also watch:<\/strong><br><\/span><br><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/x7N2pu1EA1s\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"To-save-a-marriage-address-these-problems-first\"><\/span>To save a marriage address these problems first<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let&rsquo;s first review some of the significant problems that can occur, and then we&rsquo;ll go into them more deeply.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In order to save your marriage, you will need to address each of these, before delving into things to do to save a marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n<ol><li><b>We<\/b> <b>don&rsquo;t know how to communicate.<\/b><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> One or both of us are <\/span><b>engaging in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. <\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">(These are called <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.acouplesplace.com\/Gottmans_Four_Horsemen_are_Divorce_Predictors.html\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by Gottman <\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">because he uses them to predict divorce)<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> We are caught in <\/span><b>fighting over the symptom of the problem<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, rather than understanding what is activating our conflict.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> We<\/span><b> don&rsquo;t feel emotionally safe<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and consequently, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/emotional-intimacy\/what-to-do-when-youre-feeling-no-emotional-connection-with-your-husband\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">we cannot connect<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"We-don%E2%80%99t-know-how-to-communicate\"><\/span>We don&rsquo;t know how to communicate<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Communication is a complex skill. It involves having access to many aspects of ourselves.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For example, someone who communicates like a lawyer may seem like an excellent communicator.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Still, in the context of marriage, they are accessing their heart. So <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/communication\/common-communication-problems-in-marriage\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">communication itself is a problem<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. I&rsquo;ve seen couples struggle when one member needs to be right, and every communication, while clear, is like the stab of a knife. Without access to our hearts and vulnerabilities, we <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC4852543\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">cannot communicate in a way that helps our marriage<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Engaging-in-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-or-stonewalling\"><\/span>Engaging in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This again points to communication.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Using criticism makes our partners feel awful, less than, and bullied.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Contempt is even worse for contempt attempts to make our partners feel shame and as if their very being is flawed.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/is-your-spouse-defensive-read-this\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When a person is defensive<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, they have a retort for everything you say.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They won&rsquo;t look at themselves. Again they are blocking the connection.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Stonewalling means we withdraw from the interaction. We simply are not there. We may instead be out, tune our partner out, or even engage in behaviors like addiction.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is no relationship if one person is absent, whether purposefully or not.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Fighting-over-the-symptom-of-the-problem\"><\/span>Fighting over the symptom of the problem<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-46320 size-full\" title=\"Fighting over the symptom of the problem\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Fighting-over-the-symptom-of-the-problem.jpg\" alt=\"Fighting over the symptom of the problem\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It is easy to get caught in the symptom.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, for example, you want to spend a holiday at your parent&rsquo;s house, and your spouse wants to stay home for the holidays.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It seems as if you are fighting over where to spend the holiday. What you are really fighting over is, &ldquo;Do you care about what I want?&rdquo; or &ldquo;Am I important to you?&rdquo; Both of you feel the other does not care about what you want or need.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Learning to talk about attachment needs is the key<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC4845754\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Attachment needs<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> can be explained as the needs mammals have to feel safe and connected.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And they are particularly pertinent in relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>Here are some examples of attachment needs you must understand to save a marriage.<\/strong><\/p>\n<ol><li><b>We need to know our partner has our back<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and wants what is best for us.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><b>We need to know we are important to them<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and they care.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><b>We need to know we are good enough<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, that they value us.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We need to know that <\/span><b>our partners are accessible, responsive, and engaged with us.<\/b><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We need to know <\/span><b>what we care about matters to our partners.<\/b><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&nbsp;<\/span><b>We don&rsquo;t feel emotionally safe, and cannot connect<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Emotional safety comes from a variety of behaviors, including the ability to be vulnerable.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It comes from appropriate communication.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It comes from talking about our deep needs. And it comes from knowing our partner has our best interest at heart.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Without emotional safety, we cannot truly let go. We don&rsquo;t fully trust. We probably won&rsquo;t share our deepest fears and desires.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Emotional safety is the bedrock of a truly connected relationship.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As you read this article on marriage saving tips, did you resonate with any of it? What problems did you identify with? What relational positives work in your marriage?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To save a marriage and make it great is like any journey of mastery. Just like learning any other new skill, it takes time and attention.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And since it is a time consuming process to save a marriage, and <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/how-to-reconnect-with-your-spouse\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">reconnect with your spouse<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, patience and persistence is the key.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Have you started on the journey of making your relationship the best it can be? It may be time to begin. We have access to so much information. There is no <a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/save-your-marriage\/reasons-why-marriages-fail\/\">reason to settle for a less than great marriage<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To read a story about a couple learning to connect, read this<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/blog.weconcile.com\/the-real-relationship-working-it-out\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">article<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, The Real Relationship: Working it Out.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false,"raw":""},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We fall in love. We plan a beautiful wedding and a life together. We marry. But at some point, we run into problems. What started out as beautiful becomes tarnished. Suddenly, saving your marriage looks difficult. We argue or fight We stop talking We pull back from each other emotionally and physically How do we bring the shine back to our marriages? Where do we go looking for &lsquo;saving my marriage&rsquo; advice? If you find in your heart and mind, the right reasons to save a marriage, look no further. The article highlights important steps to save your marriage. Also <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":674,"featured_media":46319,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[16],"tags":[2679],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46317"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/674"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=46317"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46317\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":64598,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46317\/revisions\/64598"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/46319"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=46317"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=46317"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=46317"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}