{"id":45466,"date":"2020-02-05T05:31:23","date_gmt":"2020-02-05T05:31:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=45466"},"modified":"2023-06-18T06:47:44","modified_gmt":"2023-06-18T06:47:44","slug":"relationships-after-traumatic-brain-injury","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/mental-health\/relationships-after-traumatic-brain-injury\/","title":{"rendered":"Marriage and Relationships after Traumatic Brain Injury"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-45468 size-full\" title=\"Marriage and Relationships after Traumatic Brain Injury\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Marriage-and-Relationships-after-Traumatic-Brain-Injury.jpg\" alt=\"Marriage and Relationships after Traumatic Brain Injury\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/tips-to-build-long-lasting-relationships\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Long-term relationships<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and marriage are marked by challenges and even threats to the partnership. After all, there is a reason that &ldquo;in sickness and in health&hellip;for better or for worse&rdquo; has become part of the standard marital vow exchange.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Although some challenges arise from the world around us, such as a bad economy or a major disaster, some arise within the partnership or&ndash; more challenging yet &ndash; from an individual within the relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Seemingly worse still, neurologic injuries like <\/span><b>brain injury often occur spontaneously and without fault by any partner.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Although a relationship after traumatic brain injury faces new challenges. But these challenges are not insurmountable, and if navigated properly can even bring a relationship closer.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Also watch:<\/b><br><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/Rpzg4C9UL8U\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Facing-a-unique-challenge\"><\/span>Facing a unique challenge<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It is worth highlighting that medical events and diagnoses are different from other threats to the relationship. Although we may not realize it on a conscious level, a brain injury can put a unique <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/strained-relationship\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">strain on a relationship<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> given its locus of origin.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A lousy economy or major disaster arises from the world around us, exerting malignant pressure on a relationship from outside.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Though admittedly stressful, such externally arising events can have the effect of bringing a partner closer together.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In such situations, for supporting your partner, you must &ldquo;circle the wagons&rdquo; or &ldquo;dig in&rdquo; to <\/span><b>endure a shared hardship that fate has imposed<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> on them.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Like graphite turned into a diamond by heat and pressure, partners working together to overcome a challenge can emerge victoriously and be stronger for it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Although medical events and diagnoses exert a similar strain, the locus of origination complicates things.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The world around the relationship is not to blame; the unexpected stressor is the medical status of one partner in the relationship. Suddenly that person may become the one who is needier and less able to contribute.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Despite best efforts by everyone, that dynamic can produce feelings of resentment. It is essential at those moments to remember <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/counseling\/how-to-be-a-team-player-to-your-spouse\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">the partners are on the same team<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Being-on-the-same-team\"><\/span>Being on the same team<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Acknowledging and being aware of the unique challenges of a <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/49732003_Marriage_After_Brain_Injury\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">marriage or relationship after trauma<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is only half the battle. Another important to-do for the partners for supporting through sickness and health is to get and remain on the same team.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ironically, though, our complex human brains can make this difficult.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You see, as human beings, it is our nature to categorize things. Categorization behavior is a product of natural selection, it helps us survive by speeding decision-making, and we see it emerge early in childhood.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">An object may be safe or dangerous; an animal may be friendly or mean; the weather may be comfortable or uncomfortable; a person may help or obstruct our efforts at happiness.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As we age, we learn the world, and many of its features are gray rather than &ldquo;black and white,&rdquo; but the instinct to categorize remains.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Thus, when someone we love suffers a temporarily or permanently disabling medical event, our categorization instinct can create a cruel paradox, categorizing the loved one as &ldquo;the bad guy&rdquo; in the way of our happiness.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This can happen because that survival component of categorization teaches us &ndash; from a young age &ndash; to move toward the good and away from the bad.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In a <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/tbi.washington.edu\/wp-content\/uploads\/TBI_Couples_Relationships_after_TBI.pdf\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">relationship after traumatic brain injury<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, <\/span><b>more challenges and obligations appear for the uninjured partner.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> But the survivor is not creating the difficulties &ndash; their brain injury is.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The problem is that our categorizing mind can only observe the survivor, not the brain injury. The survivor, now needier and less able to contribute, could be mistakenly categorized as the bad.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But the bad is the brain injury, not the survivor who sustained it. And therein lies the cruel paradox: The brain injury affected the survivor, but by altering the survivor&rsquo;s behavior or personality, it can cause a partner&rsquo;s brain to miscategorize the survivor.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Although one individual acquired a brain injury, it is hopefully clear now that the relationship sustained it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Partners who can remind each other &ndash; and themselves &ndash; that the brain injury is the bad guy can overcome the &ldquo;me versus you&rdquo; that instinctual categorization may mistakenly create.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They can instead get on the same side of the &ldquo;us versus the brain injury&rdquo; battle. And sometimes it can be achieved with a simple reminder: &ldquo;Hey, remember, we&rsquo;re on the same team.&rdquo;<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Don%E2%80%99t-add-fuel-to-the-fire\"><\/span>Don&rsquo;t add fuel to the fire<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">An obvious aspect of being on the same team is<\/span><b> not working against the team&rsquo;s goals.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Soccer players don&rsquo;t kick the ball toward their own goalie, after all. It seems simple enough, but when emotions like frustration or resentment take over and guide our behavior, we can do things that make a situation worse.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don&rsquo;t get hooked by those emotions and add fuel to the fire.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For survivors, actively fight back against feelings of uselessness or victimhood.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One of the worst things a survivor can do &ndash; for their relationship after traumatic brain injury &ndash; is fuse with the idea that they are a victim or useless.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">True, a survivor may objectively be less able to do certain things than before, but inflexibly focusing attention on abilities lost makes it harder to see remaining capabilities.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For partners who did not sustain the brain injury, <\/span><b>don&rsquo;t emasculate or infantilize the survivor.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC6094063\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Surviving a brain injury and recovering from it<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is hard enough without being made to feel babied or emasculated by your partner. And if the team&rsquo;s goal is rehabilitating the survivor, infantilization moves the ball away from that goal.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Also, don&rsquo;t be afraid to show vulnerability. Uninjured partners may feel pressured to seem like they &ldquo;have everything under control,&rdquo; but that is often not the case, and the fa&ccedil;ade is often unconvincing anyway.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In the alternate, accepting and sharing feelings of vulnerability may reassure the survivor that they are not alone in grappling with change.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Nourish-the-relationship\"><\/span>Nourish the relationship<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-45469 size-full\" title=\"Nourish the relationship\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Nourish-the-relationship.jpg\" alt=\"Nourish the relationship\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In a relationship after traumatic brain injury, the partners must try not to work against the shared goals, but again it is not enough.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Any <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/romance\/have-a-romantic-relationship\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">romantic relationship<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> has to be nourished along the way if it is going to last. After all, even a houseplant that &ndash; protected from insects and harsh outside elements &ndash; will still wither and die if not given water, food, and the right amount of sunlight.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For <\/span><b>survivors, find ways to be of use.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Find specific actions and commit to doing them, living the relationship&rsquo;s shared goal of rehabilitation.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Survivors should also support their partners in new responsibilities. Partners may take on new responsibilities that were once those of survivors (e.g., cooking, yard work).<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Survivors can assist their partners by accepting this change and even feelings that come with it, offering aid and guidance (especially if in place of criticisms like &ldquo;that&rsquo;s not how I used to do it.&rdquo;)<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lastly, survivors can ask friends and family to help their partners.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Uninjured partners might feel reluctant to seek help because they feel like they &ldquo;should be able to handle things&rdquo; on their own.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Although it is optimal to work through any unreasonable expectations, faster relief can be delivered if the survivor asks for help from friends, family, and other supporters.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For <\/span><b>partners, help your partner find new ways (or adjust old ways) to be of use.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If partners give up on the idea that survivors still have much to contribute, fusing with the idea that they are burdensome or fixing attention on what they cannot do, it will be that much harder for survivors to contribute.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Pursue-the-relationship-you-wanted\"><\/span>Pursue the relationship you wanted<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One could categorize some of the above recommendations as mitigating damage to a relationship caused by brain injury. Though somewhat pessimistic, that categorization is not wholly inaccurate.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let&rsquo;s be fair and accept a painful truth: with something as life-altering as brain injury, a good deal of what follows is damage control. But damage control does not have to be the only reaction.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As mentioned in the first paragraph of this column, a brain injury presents a challenge by any standard. But with a little psychological flexibility, we can also identify it as an opportunity.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Partners in a relationship after traumatic brain injury are forced to re-evaluate where they stand and what is important to them.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If desired, through committed action and guided by shared values, it can also drive growth and evolution toward the partners&rsquo; shared goals.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">With that in mind, and as roles, duties, and expectations are changing, it is worth trying to move towards the relationship you want &ndash; brain injury or not.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So,<\/span><b> keep having a date night if you didn&rsquo;t go before the brain injury.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/nurturing-happy-relationships\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">All partners should nurture their relationships<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> with time spent alone. That time together is equally, if not more important, than before the added stress on the relationship after traumatic brain injury.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Consider <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/experts\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">couples counseling with a talk therapist<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Couples counseling can help facilitate dialogue between partners, identify recurring sources of conflict, and offer constructive advice or provide tools and resources.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And if applicable, consider sex therapy with an occupational therapist or other professional.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Due to the varied effects of brain injury (physical and psychological), and because physical intimacy is an essential component of any romantic relationship, a professional may be able to assist couples in sustaining or <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/physical-intimacy\/reignite-a-passionless-marriage\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">recapturing sexual intimacy in their relationship<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false,"raw":""},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Long-term relationships and marriage are marked by challenges and even threats to the partnership. After all, there is a reason that &ldquo;in sickness and in health&hellip;for better or for worse&rdquo; has become part of the standard marital vow exchange. Although some challenges arise from the world around us, such as a bad economy or a major disaster, some arise within the partnership or&ndash; more challenging yet &ndash; from an individual within the relationship. Seemingly worse still, neurologic injuries like brain injury often occur spontaneously and without fault by any partner. Although a relationship after traumatic brain injury faces new challenges. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":666,"featured_media":45468,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[93],"tags":[2720],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45466"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/666"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=45466"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45466\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":45471,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45466\/revisions\/45471"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/45468"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=45466"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=45466"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=45466"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}