{"id":44332,"date":"2019-12-23T07:23:17","date_gmt":"2019-12-23T07:23:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=44332"},"modified":"2026-01-03T14:13:33","modified_gmt":"2026-01-03T14:13:33","slug":"picking-up-the-pieces-surviving-a-trial-separation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/separation\/picking-up-the-pieces-surviving-a-trial-separation\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Go About Surviving a Trial Separation"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\"How<\/p>\n

What is a trial separation, and how should one go about surviving a trial separation?<\/span><\/p>\n

A trial separation is a formal name for a cool-off period. Some couples find their daily lives too suffocating and need a long vacation from the relationship and each other. <\/span><\/p>\n

It can prevent a divorce or accelerate the process. It’s a method, a tool, and like all conceptual things, It is neither good nor bad. <\/span><\/p>\n

Surviving separation should be focused on reconnecting with yourself and be the person who wants to be in a relationship with your partner.<\/span><\/p>\n

Surviving a trial separation is not about going back in the saddle and dating other people. You are still in a commitment, and you just need a break. <\/span><\/p>\n

The moment that you start thinking about having a relationship with someone else, then the trial separation and your relationship have failed. <\/span><\/p>\n

A large percentage of people who go through trial separation end up in divorce. Studies suggest that up to <\/span>87% of couples end up filing a divorce<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

That’s because most couples go through trial separations without discussing things properly. More often than not, separations start with one party wanting to do it and walking out.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Ground rules for a trial separation<\/span><\/h2>\n

\"Ground<\/p>\n

Trial separations are about <\/span>changing the rules<\/span><\/a> in a relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n

Those rules should be designed to reduce expectations of each other and give more time and space for each partner to reflect on their lives and the relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n

Remember, the goal is to <\/span>fix your issues<\/span><\/a> (and your partner fix theirs), so you can be in a relationship with each other again. If either of you doesn’t have this goal in mind, then you have already failed, and surviving a trial separation is more like a dress rehearsal for a divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n

I will reiterate this point because it’s crucial, and it’s the main reason why trial separations fail. Both parties need to agree on the trial separation. You need it for space to get back on your feet and go back to rebuild your relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n

If this is not clear to either of you, then your better off filing a divorce instead of extending the pain of surviving a trial separation.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Why trial separation works<\/span><\/h2>\n

Couples are two unique individuals (hopefully). They will never be able to understand each other 100% of the time. <\/span><\/p>\n

It is a give and take partnership, where one party or the other will have to compromise time and time again.<\/span><\/p>\n

Over time, the pressures, expectations, and compromises become too hard for one or both parties. They react to it by lashing out on their partner. <\/span><\/p>\n

They feel they have given too much, received too little, or both, in a relationship. Their priorities shift from becoming a partner to fulfilling their own desires.<\/span><\/p>\n

Trial separation works because it helps the couple remember why they decided to give up the freedom of single life and be in a commitment. <\/span><\/p>\n

They would need to work out their misgivings and become a person who is willing and able to sacrifice for their relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Why it fails<\/span><\/h2>\n

Surviving a trial separation with the mindset of getting as far away from the relationship as possible is the main reason why a majority ends up in divorce. <\/span><\/p>\n

One or both parties feel that their partner and their relationship is the source of their problems. They believe their life is a mess because of their partner. <\/span><\/p>\n

Having escapism thoughts will only lead to failure and, subsequently, a divorce. Selfish thoughts of moving on and leaving the relationship in the past will turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.<\/span><\/p>\n

According to <\/span>Grady Shumway<\/span><\/a>, LMHC:<\/span><\/p>\n

A trial separation works best when both partners approach it with clarity, openness, and a willingness to reflect on their feelings. When the goal is understanding rather than avoidance, couples have a better chance of rebuilding trust and deciding their future with intention.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

If the partnership has gotten to this point, then you are better off filing a divorce than going through a trial separation. <\/span><\/p>\n

Trial separations are only to provide breathing space while still in a commitment. Use the breathing space to reflect on how each of you could have done better in handling your situation and move forward as a couple.<\/span><\/p>\n

Watch this video:<\/strong>