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The way that love is spoken of in today’s world makes it sound like it’s an easy thing to lose in favor of a “spark” or “connection” with someone else.<\/span><\/p>\n In film and romance novels, people speak of being “in love,” as though it were a spell or a state of hypnosis.<\/span><\/p>\n Given what people are actually describing when they say, “in love,” hypnosis is probably the closest comparison to reality.<\/span><\/p>\n Years ago, the late <\/span>Dr. Dorothy Tennov<\/span><\/a> researched people who reported to be madly in love with someone<\/a>. She noted that what they described sounded a lot like they were suffering from chemical addiction.<\/span><\/p>\n After extensive research, her conclusion was that they, in fact, were suffering from a form of chemical addiction or at least chemical influence.<\/span><\/p>\n She called this mental and emotional state <\/span>Limerence<\/span><\/a> and the chemical of choice for someone in this addiction is one produced by the human brain called dopamine.<\/span><\/p>\n The highs and lows of this experience are second-to-none.<\/span><\/p>\n It is common for two single people who begin dating to experience Limerence and when you are just getting to know someone it is what makes two people feel intense attraction for someone they hardly know.<\/span><\/p>\n Why else would two people who hardly know each other want to continue to date, be romantic, and prioritize someone?<\/span><\/p>\n It’s the mighty pull of Limerence and it is temporary.<\/span><\/p>\n While the chemical experience is temporary because the highs simply can’t be duplicated, what develops underneath of Limerence can be quite special and long-lasting.<\/span><\/p>\n What can develop is companionship, commitment, and a sense of family with the other person.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n So, when do you know if it is love or limerence?<\/span><\/p>\n When Limerence fades, and it always does, the relationship can continue without the fireworks and roller coaster of emotions associated with it.<\/span><\/p>\n And that’s a good thing. It can become emotionally exhausting and what often develops underneath it is more fulfilling, longer-lasting, and stable.<\/span><\/p>\n As a relationship coach, I observe married couples where one or both believed the marriage was over when the highs of Limerence faded.<\/span><\/p>\n One of them said to the other, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” It means that they feel a bit of companionship and a sense of family, but <\/span>they crave the chemical highs<\/b> that no longer exist.<\/span><\/p>\n Hollywood stokes this misunderstanding of love and long-term relationships by pushing the narrative that says that if those highs dissipate, then it wasn’t “true love,” and that we must seek that true love out there.<\/span><\/p>\n What is really being pushed here is a<\/span> constant chasing of the fireworks of a new relationship <\/b>and such an understanding can allow us to<\/span> never experience true commitment<\/b> and companionship that can give us security and love for a lifetime.<\/span><\/p>\n So, how to respond to a limerent spouse?<\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>Undeniable signs of limerence<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>It’s not always a bad thing<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Marriage can’t be based on limerence<\/span><\/h2>\n
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