![\"From](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/From-Passive-Aggressive-to-Honest-Expressive-Five-Tips-to-Transform-Your-Communication-Style-With-Your-Spouse.jpg\" "\\"From")
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Do you find it challenging to express your needs<\/b>, wants, expectations, disappointments, etc., directly to your mate?<\/span><\/p>\n Do you sometimes deny your true feelings about something bothersome<\/b> that your spouse is doing or not doing, pretending to be “fine” because you anticipate receiving a defensive reaction?<\/span><\/p>\n Do you wonder how to communicate effectively with your spouse?<\/b>, or if you are not using the right communication style<\/a>?<\/span><\/p>\n If either scenario fits–<\/span>don’t fool yourself into believing you aren’t communicating or your communication style is wrong.<\/b> In actuality, you are being highly expressive, but rather than in a direct manner,<\/span> you’re likely being passive-aggressive.<\/b><\/p>\n Hence, you’ll never truly enjoy the benefits of an honest dialogue.<\/span><\/p>\n Don’t fret, however, you are not alone!<\/span><\/p>\n Take Sally, a fourth-grade teacher, and Pete, a software developer, for example, both in their early 30s who desired to start a family<\/a>. At the end of the day though, they were both pretty exhausted, leaving little energy for sexual intimacy.<\/span><\/p>\n However, fatigue and time-constraints turned out not to be their biggest problem. Rather, they both harbored unspoken resentments.<\/span><\/p>\n Unfortunately, neither Sally nor Pete trusted that it would be safe to speak up about what was bothering each of them and they fell into the trap of not wanting to “make a big deal out of nothing.”<\/span><\/p>\n Beneath the surface, Sally was annoyed because Pete had been failing to fulfill his agreed-upon responsibilities around the house, such as taking out the garbage and doing dishes, causing her to worry whether she’d be able to rely on him once they had a baby.<\/span><\/p>\n Pete, on the other hand, found Sally to be a fault-finder and he often felt criticized over petty things.<\/span><\/p>\n However, rather than pointing out his hurt feelings, he would roll his eyes and ignore her. Later, he’d get back at her by conveniently “forgetting” to do his chores.<\/span><\/p>\n Unbeknownst to both Sally and Pete, they had created a negative feedback loop or a negative communication style, using passive-aggressive means of expression.<\/span><\/p>\n For Sally, instead of sharing her fear about having a child with Pete, she would bang cabinets and makes sarcastic comments when Pete was in earshot, hoping she would draw his attention to the overstuffed trash can.<\/span> For Pete, rather than telling Sally that her communication style or barrage of criticisms left him hurt and angry, he ignored her, hoping she would stop complaining. (By the way, Sally believed she was offering constructive feedback, but that’s not how Pete interpreted it.)<\/span><\/p>\n While they loved one another, these <\/span>indirect manifestations of their frustrations provided highly flammable fuel for a potential marital gas-tank explosion<\/b> and their intimacy continued to wane.<\/span><\/p>\n Fortunately, <\/span>Sally and Pete sought help and finally realized they needed to become mindful of their true feelings and express<\/b> them constructively which allowed them to break their negative cycle and rebuild their intimate bond<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n Many of us resort to passive-aggressive behavior when we don’t feel safe<\/b> to share our thoughts and emotions openly.<\/span><\/p>\n
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