![\"What](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/What-to-Do-When-Your-Past-Divorce-Is-Ruining-Your-Marriage.jpg\" "\\"What")
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I am a long time marriage counselor who has worked with many couples trying to navigate the pitfalls of a new second marriage<\/a> after their first marriage ended in the hurt and anger of unresolved issues and conflicts. <\/span><\/p>\n Many people are not sufficiently aware of the importance of doing family therapy to mitigate the effects of unresolved issues stemming from the first marriage. In the forthcoming article, I will provide the following case study as an example of how critical family therapy is in trying the process of establishing a new marriage<\/a> on a sound footing. <\/span><\/p>\n I recently saw a middle-aged couple whereby the husband had an only child, a son in his early twenties. The wife had never been married and had no children. The couple came in complaining that the husband’s son, who is now living with them, was creating a wedge in their relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n The husband’s former marriage ended 17 years ago. The issues that sabotaged that marriage involved an untreated mood disorder on the ex-wife’s part alongside significant financial stress<\/a> (the husband was experiencing a great deal of difficulty finding work). <\/span><\/p>\n What further complicated the relationship was that, through the years, the ex-wife bad-mouthed the son’s father to the son on a regular basis. She claimed that he was grossly irresponsible when, in fact, his neglecting to provide sufficient child support was due to his difficulties finding suitable employment. <\/span><\/p>\n As time went on, the father made a conscious choice to bend over backward to be indulgent and lax with his son. His thought process was that since he only saw his son on the weekends, he needed to establish a positive atmosphere (especially given the fact that the boy’s mother routinely spoke negatively about the father.) <\/span><\/p>\n Fast-forward a handful of years and the son is now an older teenager. <\/span><\/p>\n The young man has found it increasingly difficult to live with his mother since she had still not dealt with her mood disorder and erratic behavior. Besides being unpredictably angry and critical, she frequently vented to him about her interpersonal problems. The son could no longer tolerate the situation and consequently moved in with his father.<\/span><\/p>\n The father, unfortunately, continued to coddle and baby him. The presenting problem the newly married couple brought to the couples counseling sessions<\/a> was that the new wife found herself in a very difficult and frustrating position. <\/span><\/p>\n She felt that her husband’s son was a distraction to their relationship since he always complained to his father about his mother and how emotionally needy<\/a> and demanding she was of him. <\/span><\/p>\n The young man’s father had, as a result, become a trusted confidante and quasi-therapist, with the young man frequently commiserating with his father about how difficult his mother was. This made the father quite stressed and even depressed. This greatly perturbed his wife. <\/span><\/p>\n In addition, it is noteworthy that, since the young man was never expected to do chores as a coddled only-child, he came to expect his father and stepmother to do his laundry, prepare his meals, pay for his cell phone, car insurance, etc. This was a big irritant to the wife and became a real bone of contention. <\/span><\/p>\n The wife\/stepmother felt that it was grossly inappropriate for the son to treat his bedroom like a “garbage dump”. In her mind, his slovenly room had become a sanitary issue. The son would discard used food wrappers on the floor and she was concerned that mice and insects would infiltrate the whole house. She begged her husband to take a strong stance with his son, but he was reluctant. <\/span><\/p>\n The issue came to a head when the new wife\/stepmother confronted her new husband with an ultimatum. Her husband would either hold his son accountable to age-appropriate standards by refusing to wholly support him, require him to do chores, maintain his room, etc. <\/span><\/p>\n Additionally, she requested that her husband persuade his son to move out on his own. (It’s important to note that the son did, in fact, have a source of income working full time in a retail outlet. Nevertheless, the father never asked the son to contribute substantially to the family household budget<\/a> since this was part of his indulgent pattern). <\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>Importance of doing family therapy to mitigate the effects of issues<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>A little background<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>A conscious choice to bend over backward to be indulgent and lax<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Becoming a trusted confidante and quasi-therapist<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Reluctance to take a stance<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Getting the punch line<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Understanding](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/Understanding-the-ambivalent-feelings.jpg\" "\\"Understanding")
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