{"id":29796,"date":"2018-11-19T11:54:43","date_gmt":"2018-11-19T11:54:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=29796"},"modified":"2026-09-30T05:39:12","modified_gmt":"2026-09-30T05:39:12","slug":"passive-aggressive-spouse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/communication\/passive-aggressive-spouse\/","title":{"rendered":"Improving Communication With a Passive Aggressive Spouse"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-123812\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/shutterstock_2735473871.jpg\" alt=\"couple having argument\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Are you upset with me?&rdquo;<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m fine.&rdquo;<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> (Cue the slammed cupboard.)<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can tell something&rsquo;s wrong, but you&rsquo;re told nothing is. Living with that gap can leave you second-guessing yourself and tiptoeing around your own home.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>A passive-aggressive spouse expresses anger indirectly, through silence, sarcasm, &ldquo;forgetting,&rdquo; or backhanded comments, instead of saying what&rsquo;s wrong.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> The most helpful response is usually calm and direct. Name what you notice, ask what&rsquo;s underneath, and make it safe for them to say no.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Below, you&rsquo;ll find what this behavior looks like, what to say in the moment, 8 common signs, and how to deal with a passive-aggressive spouse without turning every conversation into a fight.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"What-Does-It-Mean-To-Have-A-Passive-Aggressive-Spouse\"><\/span><b>What Does It Mean To Have A Passive-Aggressive Spouse?<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It means your spouse often shows anger or resentment indirectly instead of saying it out loud. The frustration is real, but it comes out sideways.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>What it sounds like:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> &ldquo;Fine.&rdquo; &ldquo;Whatever you want.&rdquo; &ldquo;I was only joking.&rdquo;<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>What it looks like:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Silence, sighs, slammed doors, or tasks left undone.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>What&rsquo;s usually underneath:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Anger, hurt, or resentment that feels unsafe to say directly.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Passive-aggressive behavior in relationships is often a learned habit rather than a plan to hurt you. That doesn&rsquo;t make it okay, but it can make it easier to address.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"What-To-Say-Instead-Of-Reacting-To-Passive-Aggressive-Comments\"><\/span><b>What To Say Instead Of Reacting To Passive-Aggressive Comments<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Passive-aggressive communication can pull you into guessing games or sharp comebacks. A calm, direct reply usually keeps the door open. Here are some everyday examples:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n<table id=\"tablepress-726\" class=\"tablepress tablepress-id-726\">\n<thead>\n<tr class=\"row-1 odd\">\n\t<th class=\"column-1\">Situation<\/th><th class=\"column-2\">Reactive reply<\/th><th class=\"column-3\">Calm, direct reply<\/th>\n<\/tr>\n<\/thead>\n<tbody class=\"row-hover\">\n<tr class=\"row-2 even\">\n\t<td class=\"column-1\">They say \"fine\" and slam a cupboard<\/td><td class=\"column-2\">Fine. Be that way.<\/td><td class=\"column-3\">You seem upset. I'd like to hear about it whenever you're ready.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr class=\"row-3 odd\">\n\t<td class=\"column-1\">They've gone quiet since last night<\/td><td class=\"column-2\">Great, the silent treatment again.<\/td><td class=\"column-3\">Things have felt tense since last night. Can we talk about it later today?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr class=\"row-4 even\">\n\t<td class=\"column-1\">They agreed to a plan, then didn't show up<\/td><td class=\"column-2\">You never do what you say.<\/td><td class=\"column-3\">I was counting on you tonight. If you didn't want to go, I'd rather you tell me.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr class=\"row-5 odd\">\n\t<td class=\"column-1\">A compliment comes with a dig<\/td><td class=\"column-2\">Wow, thanks a lot.<\/td><td class=\"column-3\">Thanks. The 'for once' part stung, though. What did you mean?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr class=\"row-6 even\">\n\t<td class=\"column-1\">They joked about you in front of friends<\/td><td class=\"column-2\">At least I'm not the one who...<\/td><td class=\"column-3\">(Later, in private) \"That story at dinner embarrassed me. I'd like us to keep things like that between us.\"<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<!-- #tablepress-726 from cache --><\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>If your spouse brushes it off<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> or says you&rsquo;re too sensitive, you don&rsquo;t have to argue the point. Say how it felt, and that you&rsquo;d like to talk when they&rsquo;re ready.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"8-Signs-Of-A-Passive-Aggressive-Spouse-How-To-Deal\"><\/span><b>8 Signs Of A Passive-Aggressive Spouse (&amp; How To Deal)<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Everyone slips into indirect frustration now and then. What matters is a pattern. These signs of passive-aggressive behavior tend to show up together, and each one comes with a few ways to respond.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><b>1. They say &ldquo;fine&rdquo; when it isn&rsquo;t<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You ask what&rsquo;s wrong and hear &ldquo;nothing&rdquo; or &ldquo;I&rsquo;m fine,&rdquo; but the cupboard doors say otherwise. The words and the mood don&rsquo;t match. Denying the feeling keeps them from having to name it, and it leaves you guessing about what actually went wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n<div class=\"research_highlight\"><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Nickola Overall and colleagues, publishing in the<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/experts.umn.edu\/en\/publications\/regulating-partners-in-intimate-relationships-the-costs-and-benef\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"> <i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Journal of Personality and Social Psychology<\/span><\/i><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, studied 61 romantic couples trying to change something about each other. Direct requests felt less successful in the moment but were predicted to lead to more change over the next 12 months.<\/span><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Positive but indirect approaches felt better at the time and didn&rsquo;t predict later change.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4><b>How to deal with it<\/b><\/h4>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Name what you notice without accusing, like mentioning that they seem upset.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Give them room to answer later if they aren&rsquo;t ready to talk now.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Skip the guessing games, and don&rsquo;t try to force a confession.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h3><b>2. They give you the silent treatment<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-124073\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/2744467233.jpg\" alt=\"woman comforting sad man \" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Instead of saying they&rsquo;re angry, they go quiet for hours or days. They answer in single words, avoid eye contact, or leave the room when you come in. The silence sends a message, but it never says what the problem is or how to fix it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Holding back is more common than many couples realize.<\/span><\/p>\n<div class=\"research_highlight\"><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> A<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/research\/why-couples-avoid-difficult-conversations\/\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">2026 Marriage.com survey of 2,399 US adults<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> in committed relationships found that 70% avoid at least one major relationship conversation, most often citing fear of reactions (29.8%) or of harming the relationship (29.2%).<\/span><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When speaking up feels risky, frustration can come out sideways instead.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<h4><b>How to deal with it<\/b><\/h4>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Say once that you&rsquo;ve noticed the silence and you&rsquo;re ready to talk when they are.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Resist following them from room to room to get an answer.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Keep up everyday kindness, so the silence doesn&rsquo;t turn into a standoff.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div class=\"wporg-box\"><div class=\"\"><span class=\"wporg_heading\">RELATED READING : <\/span><span class=\"wporg_title\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/silent-treatment-in-a-relationship\/\" title=\"Silent Treatment in a Relationship: Signs &#038; How to Respond\">Silent Treatment in a Relationship: Signs &#038; How to Respond<\/a><\/span><\/div><\/div>\n<h3><b>3. They agree to things, then don&rsquo;t follow through<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They say yes to the plan, the chore, or the dinner with your friends, but it never quite happens. Agreeing avoids an argument in the moment. Not following through lets them say no without saying it, which leaves you feeling like you can&rsquo;t count on them.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4><b>How to deal with it<\/b><\/h4>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ask whether they actually want to do it before you lock in the plan.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Make it clear that an honest &ldquo;no&rdquo; is welcome.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Agree on a specific time or detail, so there&rsquo;s less room for vagueness.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div class=\"wporg-box\"><div class=\"\"><span class=\"wporg_heading\">RELATED READING : <\/span><span class=\"wporg_title\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/communication\/open-communication-in-marriage\/\" title=\"12 Key Tips to Promote Open Communication in a Relationship\">12 Key Tips to Promote Open Communication in a Relationship<\/a><\/span><\/div><\/div>\n<h3><b>4. They &ldquo;forget&rdquo; or delay things that matter to you<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The errand you asked about three times, the call they were going to make, the form that&rsquo;s still unsigned. Everyone forgets sometimes. The difference is a pattern: the delays cluster around things that matter to you, often right after a disagreement.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4><b>How to deal with it<\/b><\/h4>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Notice whether delays follow a conflict, and mention the timing gently.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Talk about the pattern in a calm moment, not when something&rsquo;s been missed.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Decide together what happens when a task slips, like handing it back or doing it side by side.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h3><b>5. Their compliments come with a sting<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You hear praise with a twist: &ldquo;Nice dinner, for once,&rdquo; or &ldquo;You look great, did you finally get some sleep?&rdquo; These <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/241748549_The_communication_of_compliments_in_romantic_relationships_An_investigation_of_relational_satisfaction_and_sex_differences_and_similarities_in_compliment_behavior\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">backhanded compliments<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> let criticism slip in under something that sounds kind, so it&rsquo;s hard to object without seeming touchy.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4><b>How to deal with it<\/b><\/h4>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Thank them for the kind part, then calmly ask about the rest.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ask what they meant by the second half, in a curious rather than sharp tone.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Later, when you&rsquo;re both calm, tell them how those comments land for you.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h3><b>6. They use sarcasm or &ldquo;just kidding&rdquo; to criticize<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A pointed joke, followed by &ldquo;relax, I&rsquo;m kidding,&rdquo; lets someone say something hurtful and then deny it. If you react, you&rsquo;re told you can&rsquo;t take a joke. Over time, it becomes hard to know which comments are playful and which are real complaints.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4><b>How to deal with it<\/b><\/h4>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Say that the joke stung, even if it wasn&rsquo;t meant to.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ask whether there&rsquo;s a real complaint underneath that they&rsquo;d like to talk about.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Keep your own humor kind, so it doesn&rsquo;t turn into a contest.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div class=\"wporg-box\"><div class=\"\"><span class=\"wporg_heading\">RELATED READING : <\/span><span class=\"wporg_title\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/critical-spouse-signs\/\" title=\"17 Signs of a Critical Spouse (And How to Cope)\">17 Signs of a Critical Spouse (And How to Cope)<\/a><\/span><\/div><\/div>\n<h3><b>7. They pull back affection when they&rsquo;re upset<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-100009\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/05\/593478038.jpg\" alt=\"Young couple having argument\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When something bothers them, the hugs, texts, and small check-ins stop. They may turn away in bed or go cool without saying why. Withdrawing affection can work as a quiet punishment, and it often leaves you trying to figure out what you did.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4><b>How to deal with it<\/b><\/h4>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mention the change in warmth without blaming, and ask if something&rsquo;s on their mind.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Keep offering your own affection, without chasing or pleading.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Talk about what each of you needs when you&rsquo;re upset, so pulling away isn&rsquo;t the only signal.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h3><b>8. They make digs about you in front of others<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">At a party or family dinner, they share a story that embarrasses you or joke about your habits. It&rsquo;s framed as teasing, but it&rsquo;s aimed. Criticism in public is hard to answer on the spot, which is part of what makes it sting.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4><b>How to deal with it<\/b><\/h4>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Stay calm in the moment, and change the subject if you need to.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Bring it up privately afterward, describing what was said and how it felt.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Agree on a clear boundary that private complaints stay private.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Watch this TED Talk by Jay Johnson, a behavioral specialist, who shares practical ways to understand difficult people and handle challenging interactions effectively.&nbsp;<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/kARkOdRHaj8?si=KbHCTJyFmR_93aIh\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><span data-mce-type=\"bookmark\" style=\"display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;\" class=\"mce_SELRES_start\">&#65279;<\/span><\/iframe><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"When-Staying-Calm-And-Direct-Isn%E2%80%99t-The-Right-Move\"><\/span><b>When Staying Calm And Direct Isn&rsquo;t The Right Move<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><b>If you ever feel unsafe with your partner, help is available.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 800.799.SAFE (7233), chatting with an advocate at<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.thehotline.org\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">thehotline.org<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, or texting START to 88788. If you&rsquo;re in immediate danger, call 911.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The advice above assumes a passive-aggressive spouse who is avoiding conflict, not trying to control you. Sometimes indirect behavior is part of a bigger pattern.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It may be more serious when a passive-aggressive partner also:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Cuts you off from friends or family.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sabotages your work, sleep, or plans on purpose.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Controls or withholds money.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Humiliates you regularly, in private or in public.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Uses silence to punish you until you give in.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Leaves you afraid of how they&rsquo;ll react.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In that situation, calm, direct conversations alone may not be safe or enough.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If this sounds familiar, you might speak with a counselor on your own, or with an advocate:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Your options.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Some people choose to work on the relationship with professional support. Some choose to leave. Both are legitimate paths, and only you can weigh your own situation.<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Safety planning.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> An advocate can explain what safety planning generally involves, such as thinking ahead about who you&rsquo;d contact and where you could go if you needed to.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"FAQs\"><\/span><b>FAQs<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Still have questions about indirect anger in your marriage? Here are answers to some of the most common ones, from whether it counts as abuse to when outside support might help.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><style>#sp-ea-124071 .spcollapsing { height: 0; overflow: hidden; transition-property: height;transition-duration: 300ms;}#sp-ea-124071.sp-easy-accordion>.sp-ea-single {border: 1px solid #e2e2e2; }#sp-ea-124071.sp-easy-accordion>.sp-ea-single>.ea-header a {color: #444;}#sp-ea-124071.sp-easy-accordion>.sp-ea-single>.sp-collapse>.ea-body {background: #fff; color: #444;}#sp-ea-124071.sp-easy-accordion>.sp-ea-single {background: #eee;}#sp-ea-124071.sp-easy-accordion>.sp-ea-single>.ea-header a .ea-expand-icon.fa { float: left; color: #444;font-size: 16px;}<\/style><div id=\"sp-ea-124071\" class=\"sp-ea-one sp-easy-accordion\" data-ex-icon=\"fa-angle-up\" data-col-icon=\"fa-angle-down\"  data-ea-active=\"ea-click\"  data-ea-mode=\"vertical\" data-preloader=\"\" data-scroll-active-item=\"\" data-offset-to-scroll=\"0\"><div class=\"ea-card ea-expand sp-ea-single\"><h3 class=\"ea-header\"><a class=\"collapsed\" data-sptoggle=\"spcollapse\" data-sptarget=#collapse1240710 href=\"javascript:void(0)\"  aria-expanded=\"true\"><i class=\"ea-expand-icon fa fa-angle-up\"><\/i> Is passive-aggressive behavior a form of emotional abuse?<\/a><\/h3><div class=\"sp-collapse spcollapse collapsed show\" id=\"collapse1240710\" data-parent=#sp-ea-124071><div class=\"ea-body\"><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Not usually on its own. Occasional indirect frustration is common in many relationships. When it's part of a pattern of control, intimidation, or humiliation, it can be one piece of emotional abuse, and outside support is a good idea.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ea-card  sp-ea-single\"><h3 class=\"ea-header\"><a class=\"collapsed\" data-sptoggle=\"spcollapse\" data-sptarget=#collapse1240711 href=\"javascript:void(0)\"  aria-expanded=\"false\"><i class=\"ea-expand-icon fa fa-angle-down\"><\/i> Can a passive-aggressive spouse change?<\/a><\/h3><div class=\"sp-collapse spcollapse \" id=\"collapse1240711\" data-parent=#sp-ea-124071><div class=\"ea-body\"><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Often, yes, when they're willing. Saying feelings directly is a skill that can be learned, and it tends to come more easily when it feels safe to disagree. Change usually takes time, and a counselor can help.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ea-card  sp-ea-single\"><h3 class=\"ea-header\"><a class=\"collapsed\" data-sptoggle=\"spcollapse\" data-sptarget=#collapse1240712 href=\"javascript:void(0)\"  aria-expanded=\"false\"><i class=\"ea-expand-icon fa fa-angle-down\"><\/i> How do I know if I'm the passive-aggressive one?<\/a><\/h3><div class=\"sp-collapse spcollapse \" id=\"collapse1240712\" data-parent=#sp-ea-124071><div class=\"ea-body\"><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Notice whether you say \"fine\" when you're not, go quiet instead of explaining, or let tasks slide when you're annoyed. Try naming one small frustration directly this week and see how it feels.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ea-card  sp-ea-single\"><h3 class=\"ea-header\"><a class=\"collapsed\" data-sptoggle=\"spcollapse\" data-sptarget=#collapse1240713 href=\"javascript:void(0)\"  aria-expanded=\"false\"><i class=\"ea-expand-icon fa fa-angle-down\"><\/i> Should I call out every passive-aggressive comment?<\/a><\/h3><div class=\"sp-collapse spcollapse \" id=\"collapse1240713\" data-parent=#sp-ea-124071><div class=\"ea-body\"><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Not necessarily. Addressing every remark can feel like constant criticism. Focus on the patterns that affect you most, and raise them at calm moments.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ea-card  sp-ea-single\"><h3 class=\"ea-header\"><a class=\"collapsed\" data-sptoggle=\"spcollapse\" data-sptarget=#collapse1240714 href=\"javascript:void(0)\"  aria-expanded=\"false\"><i class=\"ea-expand-icon fa fa-angle-down\"><\/i> When should we try couples counseling?<\/a><\/h3><div class=\"sp-collapse spcollapse \" id=\"collapse1240714\" data-parent=#sp-ea-124071><div class=\"ea-body\"><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It may help if the same pattern keeps repeating, resentment is building on either side, or conversations keep ending in silence. A <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/experts\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">counselor<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> can help you both find more direct ways to talk.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Saying-It-Directly\"><\/span><b>Saying It Directly<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Living with a passive-aggressive spouse can feel like reading between the lines all day. You can&rsquo;t control how your spouse expresses anger, but you can change how you respond. Name what you notice, ask what&rsquo;s underneath, and make it safe to say no.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Pick one sign from this list to address calmly this week. If things don&rsquo;t shift, or the behavior feels controlling, reaching out to a counselor is a strong next step.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false,"raw":""},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Are you upset with me?&rdquo; &ldquo;I&rsquo;m fine.&rdquo; (Cue the slammed cupboard.) You can tell something&rsquo;s wrong, but you&rsquo;re told nothing is. Living with that gap can leave you second-guessing yourself and tiptoeing around your own home. A passive-aggressive spouse expresses anger indirectly, through silence, sarcasm, &ldquo;forgetting,&rdquo; or backhanded comments, instead of saying what&rsquo;s wrong. The most helpful response is usually calm and direct. Name what you notice, ask what&rsquo;s underneath, and make it safe for them to say no. Below, you&rsquo;ll find what this behavior looks like, what to say in the moment, 8 common signs, and how to deal <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":245,"featured_media":123812,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[2511],"class_list":["post-29796","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-avoid-misunderstandings","has_thumb"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29796","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/245"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29796"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29796\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":124074,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29796\/revisions\/124074"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/123812"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29796"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29796"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29796"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}