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You managed to keep your clandestine affairs under wraps. And you believed that you could always protect your spouse or family from finding out about your indiscretions. Then you got caught. It happens. <\/span><\/p>\n Now you’ve got several options to consider. <\/span><\/p>\n You can walk away from the relationship and openly have what you kept secret for so long. For some, this is the right thing to do. Your sexual and lifestyle preferences need to come out of the closet for good. You’re doing yourself and your partner a favor by no longer pretending to be someone you are not.<\/span><\/p>\n Or you can continue with the same dynamic at home. The weird tension, the double life, the mind games, and the wishful thinking that the elephant in the room will just go away.<\/span><\/p>\n If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you want to win her back. This article will give you a sense of what you’ll need to do over the next year. I’ll warn you that this is a major turnaround project. Please be clear that this is what you really want before you invest the necessary time and money.<\/span><\/p>\n The good news is that most couples who decide to stay together are able to do so. With hard work, they emerge from the ashes and go on to have a stronger relationship<\/a> than they dreamed was possible.<\/span><\/p>\n The bad news is that the workload isn’t equal. You’ll have to do a lot more personal stretching than your partner.<\/span><\/p>\n It’s not about being punished or judged. The heart of the problem is that your actions didn’t include her informed consent. You excluded her.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n To win her back you need to focus on inclusion. Inclusion means mastering a new attitude. It requires that you learn new strategies and tactics. And it includes accepting a new experience of yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n Your identity will change as you win her back. This results from three factors: sobriety, a trusting partnership, and clearing up any past traumas that drive your addiction.<\/p>\n Discovered sex addiction<\/a> is like a coin. It has a flip side. Partners have opposing attitudes because they’re reacting from two opposite experiences. Your job is to understand and manage these differing attitudes. This is the single most important key to winning her back. <\/span><\/p>\n The paradox is that the betrayed partner needs to talk about what happened, and the sex addict does not.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n If you don’t get this, your reconciliation will be weak. Your home and bedroom will become toxic with a growing bitterness, slow-burning resentment, and an emotional and sexual Ice Age.<\/span><\/p>\n Problems arise when your conflicting needs are misunderstood and neglected. If ignored, her need to talk will come across as nagging, non-stop questioning, a roller coaster of freeze-outs followed by flaming wrath, constant suspicion, and trying to control your every move. <\/span><\/p>\n This is a perfect recipe for doomed love.<\/span><\/p>\n What you need to know is that all of this hostility is driven by one thing: her broken trust in you.<\/span><\/p>\n Follow the instructions here to help her feel the deep levels of trust that she rightfully deserves. Done right, your cold conflicts will blossom into the sexy warmth of affection, and both of you can share a heartfelt year of healing. <\/span><\/p>\n In dealing with your shame, embarrassment, and guilt, you might be tempted to shut her down when she wants to talk about it, reasoning that talking only makes it worse.<\/span><\/p>\n While your intentions are good, your approach is called stonewalling, and it’s another recipe for disaster.<\/span><\/p>\n If you want to dismantle the wall between you and then use those rocks to build a sweet bridge of lasting passion, the first step is for you to adopt an attitude shift.<\/span><\/p>\n You must be willing to exchange:<\/span><\/p>\n While this shift in attitude sounds simple, maintaining it is work. Stay on track until you get results!<\/span><\/p>\n There are five “reach outs” you’ll need to make. The first three are therapy, counseling, and more therapy.<\/span><\/p>\n You’ll each need a sex addiction counselor<\/a> for individual therapy, plus a third one for you as a couple.<\/span><\/p>\n Why? Your journey will be far easier and faster. These neutral third parties can coach your relationship past the emotional swamp that’s in front of you, and call you both on your stuff. Give it a good year to see real change and significant progress.<\/span><\/p>\n Support groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous are also vital.<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n You need positive energy right now, and groups supply it. You can listen to others who’ve been right where you are and talk about your experiences without judgment. Start shopping for your group at <\/span>saa-recovery.org<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<\/span>Mastering a new attitude to win your partner back<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Clearing up any past traumas that drive your addiction<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>If you’re ready, here’s what you need to know<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>1. Attitude renewal<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"The](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/The-Price-of-Infidelity.jpg\" "\\"The")
<\/p>\n<\/span>2. Reach out<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"Your](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/07\/Sexless-Marriage-And-Affairs-Protecting-Your-Marriage-From-Infidelity.jpg\" "\\"Your")
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