![\"Emotional](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/Emotional-Regulation-Tips-for-High-Conflict-Couples.jpg\" "\\"Emotional")
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You need to be in touch with your own emotions in order to have a successful relationship. Why is this? Our emotional system is complex and affects how we process, think, act, behave and communicate. If we are dysregulated emotionally, then how are supposed to be present and grounded for our partner?<\/span><\/p>\n All of us feel and experience emotions. However, for some, these emotions can come on so strongly, and so high, that it can feel like a tornado or a rollercoaster hitting us. For others, it may be hard to identify, to express emotion, or to even <\/span>“<\/span>feel<\/span>”<\/span> at all.<\/span><\/p>\n There are healthy ways to regulate emotion, such as talking to a friend, meditating, going for a walk, journaling, exercising, getting adequate sleep and eating well, avoiding mind-altering substances, etc. <\/span><\/p>\n Then there are unhealthy ways to regulate <\/span>emotion<\/span>, <\/span>such<\/span> as using substances to numb our feelings, engaging in reckless and\/or self-destructive behavior, self-harm, avoidance and withdrawal, physical or verbal aggression, etc.<\/span><\/p>\n Couples sometimes get <\/span><\/i>caught<\/span><\/i> in the pattern of the other if the couple is psychologically <\/span><\/i>“<\/span><\/i>enmeshed<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i> or at the <\/span><\/i>same level of “<\/span><\/i>differentiation<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i> as the other. <\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n What does this mean? <\/span><\/p>\n Long story short; individuals <\/span>tend <\/span><\/i>to attract partners who have the same set of intimacy skills as they have, and are at the same stage of <\/span>emotional<\/span> development. As you can imagine, this means that it is quite common to encounter a <\/span>“<\/span>high-conflict<\/span>”<\/span> couple. <\/span><\/p>\n High-conflict couples tend to have a pervasive pattern of negatively relating and reacting to the other, that is hard to break.<\/span><\/p>\n A <\/span>“<\/span>high conflict<\/span>”<\/span> couple also means that the individuals within the C<\/span>o<\/span>uple most likely have a hard time regulating individual emotions. When someone becomes emotionally dysregulated, it means that they have an inability to use healthy coping strategies at that moment to help soften negative emotions. <\/span><\/p>\n In couples work, one will often see an <\/span>individual<\/span> who is the <\/span>“<\/span>pursuer,<\/span>”<\/span> and the other is the <\/span>“<\/span>withdrawer.<\/span>”<\/span> Bot<\/span>h<\/span> can find themselves in <\/span>emotionally<\/span> dysregulated states, and when this happens, the pursuer is more obviously and outwardly dysregulated (think very apparent anger, yelling, name-calling), while the withdrawer less obviously withdraws and avoids. <\/span><\/p>\n However, just because the withdrawer is quiet and keeps things in, does not mean the withdrawer is not dysregulated. The withdrawer too is in a state of emotional dysregulation and discomfort.<\/span><\/p>\n Imagine a fictitious Couples<\/span>’<\/span> sessio<\/span>n<\/span> where fictitious George and fictitious Sue, report difficulty with communication and constant <\/span>“<\/span>blow-ups that always escalate into bigger fights. George states he has <\/span>“<\/span>been under immense stress at work<\/span><\/i>,<\/span>”<\/span> while Sue states she is <\/span>“<\/span>tired of George<\/span><\/i>’<\/span><\/i>s attitude lately.<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i> Because of it, Sue states she has chosen to <\/span>“<\/span>no longer help around the house.<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i> George states,<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n “<\/span>So last Thursday, S<\/span><\/i>u<\/span><\/i>e forgot to pick up paper towels at CVS on the way home. This made me very angry. I never ask her to do anything. I am carrying the weight of it all right now. She could care less. Sue, you are so frustrating! You never come through when I need you.<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n Imagin<\/span>e<\/span> George<\/span>’<\/span>s face getting red, with his fists clenched while sitting rigidly on the therapy couch, and his voice slowly escalating and getting louder and louder.<\/span><\/p>\n Meanwhile, I notice that Sue looks tearful and is shifting away from George on the couch. She also retorts with a quiet voice,<\/span><\/p>\n “<\/span><\/i>Why should I bother helping you, you never appreciate my help anyway. We may as well just quit therapy. I don<\/span><\/i>’<\/span><\/i>t even know why I am here. I don<\/span><\/i>’<\/span><\/i>t want to be here, I want to leave.<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n George states: <\/span>“<\/span><\/i>See, this is what I mean. I don’<\/span><\/i>t<\/span><\/i> have a life partner; I don’<\/span><\/i>t<\/span><\/i> have a teammate. This is so frustrating!<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n First off, right at that moment, I would stop the back and forth and the retorts, the yelling, and the name-calling. I <\/span>would<\/span> tell Sue and George that while it is good for me to see a <\/span>“<\/span>taste<\/span>”<\/span> of their fighting for a few minutes, so I understand how they interplay and react to one another, it is a complete waste of their time for them to fight <\/span>in front of me, <\/span>just <\/span>like they fight at home.<\/span> By <\/span>stopping<\/span> the name calling, interrupting and yelling, I also am setting boundaries for the Couple, and for the therapy.<\/span><\/p>\n I would stop George, and ask him to please lower his voice so that Sue and I can hear him. I <\/span>would<\/span> explain that we cannot hear what he wants or needs when his voice is so loud. I would then have him <\/span>identify<\/span> where the anger is located in his body right at that moment while taking a few deep breaths. He may point to his chest or face, or to his shoulders. I would then ask George what the anger feels like. He may say, <\/span>“<\/span>It feels like a hot rush through my body, and I have a tightness in my chest.<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n Slowly, I may notice George opening up his fist, to instead, put a hand on his chest to notify me <\/span>where<\/span><\/i> he feels the anger. <\/span>Already<\/span>, George has taken a step toward regulating, as he is becoming an observer and is slowly separating himself from his intense emotion through my somatic instruction.<\/span><\/p>\n Once George appears calmer, I say,<\/span><\/p>\n “<\/span><\/i>Georg<\/span><\/i>e, <\/span><\/i>what did it mean to you that Sue did not pick up the paper towel at CVS on her way home?<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n George slowly responds,<\/span><\/p>\n “<\/span><\/i>I just felt so alone.<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n At this moment, I would ask <\/span>George<\/span> to notice Sue, sitting far away from him with tears streaming down her face.<\/span><\/p>\n “<\/span><\/i>George, what is it like to notice that Sue is sad right now?<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n George replies,<\/span><\/p>\n “<\/span><\/i>I hate making her sad.<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n I <\/span>notice<\/span> Sue starting to come closer on the couch next to George. I point out to George that Sue is shifting closer.<\/span><\/p>\n “<\/span><\/i>What do you mean, George?<\/span><\/i>”<\/span><\/i> She asks. <\/span><\/span>What is emotional regulation?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>High conflict couple<\/span><\/h2>\n
![\"High](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/10\/High-conflict-couple.jpg\" "\\"High")
<\/p>\n<\/span>A fictitious scenario – high conflict couples work in action<\/span><\/h2>\n